𝘼𝙥𝙥𝙖𝙧𝙞𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙨 | Jibaku Shounen Hanako-kun

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Hey guys, Amaris here.

Some of you are probably wondering why I'm writing an author's note - that I should be publishing new chapters/story requests instead.

I was planning on resuming since I have about one month of semester break. I thought "finally I'm gonna pour all of my brain juices" to write, to publish. Don't worry, this story is still on-going!

It's just that - how do I say this? I'm in a dark place lately - a really, really dark place. I felt like I lost a part of myself (the will to live).

It was back in December, I'm sure all of you have noticed when this story was last published. It hurts so much, I can't even fathom that it would eventually come to this. I wanted to continue, even if it meant not paying much attention to my school works - I just love writing.

A lot of things happened, the pandemic happened. It took my grandfather's life. It was unexpected, too sudden. I wished they said it as a sick joke, to make me cry - but, it wasnt. I've been living in a nightmare since the past few weeks. No matter how many distractions I forced upon myself, I can't stop thinking of my dada.

A part of me knows he's already gone, yet a part of me still thinks that he's just inside his room: sleeping or listening to music. He would scare the living daylights out of me, spoil me with food the next day - takes me out even though he had no money. He was the best grandad, I couldn't ask for more.

I was begging to God, to bring him back - I don't care whatever happens to me, just give him back to me, please. I know, it was impossible but it hurts like hell. I feel like I'm dying a thousand deaths, being reminded that from now on - everyday, I will wake up to a day where he isn't there anymore, for the rest of my life.

His health was deteriorating back in December, we had to rush him to the hospital. I wasn't able to see him for weeks, but I endured it because I want my dada to get better and I didn't want to worry him. He was still strong - energetic, very talkative and would always tease me once he got out. He was the sweetest gentle giant. God, I love him.

He died this January, his last words broke me - even at the verge of death, he was still thinking about us. I don't know how much longer I can go on, my heart is completely shattered. The pain is too much for me to handle and I know everyday isn't going to be the same anymore - without him, without my dada.

I wanted to tell him I love him and treat him to a nice dinner on the day he was supposed to go home from the hospital. That day was also the day he took his last breath. I was in a middle of my online class when they told me the news, It took me a minute to process before breaking down.

Cherish all of your love ones please, always make time for them. You never know, tomorrow might be their last. 💔

I'm so sorry for telling all of you this, I'm in so much pain. Don't worry guys, this story is still on-going. I'll resume once I have the strength, I don't know when but I'm sure everything will be okay soon.

I'm so fucked up inside.