Fanfiction [MASHIKYU]

3 - 1

Mashiho 

It's interesting how the first morning in the new dorm that I wake up not feeling disoriented is the morning where I wake up not even in my own bed. I wake up warm and cozy and yellow and orange with my head resting on someone's arm. I feel a little embarrassed when I realise I fell asleep on Junkyu, but I'm sure he didn't mind. I'm facing away from him, but I can hear that gentle snoring of his behind me and feel the rise and fall of his breathing against my back. One of his arms is stretched out across the pillow, underneath my head, and the other is limply draped over my side. The morning sun filters in through his thin curtains and there's a wind knocking at the window. I'd be content to stay lying here for another hour if I wasn't super thirsty, which is why I decide to get up. It takes some skilful manoeuvring to get out of the bed without disturbing Junkyu, since I'm on the side pressed up against the wall, and I worry I've woken him  when I slip out from underneath his arm and he whimpers slightly, but then he shuffles around, eyes still closed and starts snoring again. I tiptoe out of our room, opening and closing the door as softly as humanly possible.

I'm not used to being the first one awake. Everything is so quiet. Getting a glass of water in the kitchen may as well be a fire drill, let alone flushing the toilet. Then when I return from the bathroom, I jump when I see someone sitting on the couch.

"You're up early," Asahi says. He's opened the curtains so that the whole room is filled with sunshine, and looks like he's been awake for a while.

"I think I slept pretty early," I explain, moving to sit down next to him. "Why didn't I see you in here before?"

"I've been in my room on my phone for like half an hour. Then I heard movement so came out to see who was up."

I look at his face and realise something's not quite right. His eyes are dull, his mouth is downturned and he just looks... off. He seems blue and grey.

"Is everything okay, Asahi?"

He draws in a sharp breath and for one horrific moment I think he's going to cry, but he doesn't. "I'm fine," he says. I just stare at him until he admits; "I'm not."

I swing my legs up in front of me and hug them to my chest, positioning myself so I'm directly facing him. He seemed fine when I last saw him the evening before, and I don't know what would have changed between now and then.

"What happened? Is it Jaehyuk?"

He doesn't even get all shy and closed up about it, he just nods. "We had a fight last night."

A heavy blanket of weight and silence lowers itself down on us. I've never seen Asahi and Jaehyuk fight before, and I've never heard anything about any fights either. I just figured they... didn't and wouldn't. Now I'm internally begging to anything that will listen that this fight, whatever it is, is something that they can recover from, both for their sake and for everyone's.

"It's my fault," Asahi continues after a while, his voice barely a whisper. "It's all my fault. No wonder he's so upset. I'd be upset with me too."

I don't push or pry or hurry him along, I just wait for him to continue. Even the birds that were chirping outside have paused to listen. Asahi takes a shaky breath but still doesn't cry.

"He thinks I'm embarrassed to be around him. He thinks I wish that we weren't together and that I'm just with him because I feel like I need to stay with him for the sake of the group, because of the way I act. He said that he feels so grateful every day to have me and that he's so proud to love me, but that I seem like I'm ashamed. I close up whenever anyone talks about him or us, I never want to hold his hand around other people, I even avoid him sometimes. I can barely even bring myself to say 'I love you'." His voice starts to crack so he takes a moment to close his eyes and breathe before he continues. "So I get why he thinks all those things. But they're... they're so not true. And I told him that but he didn't really believe me. I think the reason I'm so shy about us and I'm uncomfortable talking about it is just that... I can't believe it's happening. I can't believe that I, of all people, have found someone so perfect to love and that he loves me too. And I worry if I parade it or fully let myself relax into it then it will disappear, so I'm always cautious. And I know I shouldn't be, I know, but it's hard. I'm so afraid that he's going to leave me that I can't show him the affection and love that I feel, but it's the not showing those things that will make him leave. He deserves someone so much better."

I don't know what to say. Asahi's never opened up this much to me before. His small speech just about breaks my heart to listen to.

He sniffs and looks at me for the first time. "Sorry. I didn't mean to dump all that on you."

"No, no, I'm really glad you told me," I say quickly. "I just... wow. I didn't know you felt that way."

"Neither does Jaehyuk. He thinks I hate him."

I nudge his leg with my foot. "I'm sure he doesn't think that. I think Jaehyuk's upset because he's insecure too, he's worried you don't love him as much as he loves you."

"But I do," Asahi whispers.

"I know. And deep down I think Jaehyuk knows you do as well, but because he's always so affectionate and vocal about it, it's hard for him when you don't show him that." I pause. "Did you... did you tell Jaehyuk everything you just told me?"

He shakes his head. "I couldn't get the right words out, I only really figured all of this out in my head while I was lying awake all night." He glances at me again. "Do you think I should tell him all that? Or will he think I'm weird?"

"Definitely tell him," I say firmly, and then clear my throat. "Or, I mean, you know, do what you want. I don't want to pressure you."

He lets out a sad little chuckle. "I'm asking you for advice, just tell me what you think."

"Well... I think the more honest you can be with him, the better. He probably just doesn't understand what's going on inside your head that leads you to act the way you do, and explaining it will help him. And he'll probably help you overcome it, then, too."

Asahi nods slowly. "Yeah, I should tell him. I'm just... scared."

I shuffle over on the couch and put my arm around him, squeezing him tightly. "He's not going to leave you, Asahi. He loves you more than anything in the world."

We sit there for a few minutes, me with my arm around Asahi, who is clearly deep in thought, before he decides he's going to go back to his room so that he'll be there as soon as Jaehyuk wakes up. But just as he's stood up, he turns back around and looks at me with a confused expression.

"Also, Yedam's been acting weird lately," he says. "That's just... another thing that's been on my mind. Have you noticed? Or is it just around me?"

I shake my head that no, I haven't noticed, and I'm not sure if it's just around him, and he shrugs and walks off, but the confused expression on his face remains. After he leaves, I think about it more and realise that maybe Yedam has been a little less peppy lately, but I'm not sure if I'm just making that up because Asahi said so.

With thoughts of Jaehyuk and Asahi and even Yedam all stumbling over each other in my head, I wander back to my room, and the intensity of the thoughts fades slightly when I see Junkyu all curled up like a kitten, still sleeping soundly.

~

"So what we're trying to say, Mashiho, is that we want you to be fully involved in the process of making the next title track."

It's midday now and I am bewildered. I'm in a meeting with just Hyunsuk, Jihoon, a couple of producers and strategy team workers, and I'm being told again that they want me to be the main focus of our next song, but this time it's more intense. I thought they meant being at the front of the stage in the choreography. What they actually mean is that they want me to be more involved than I ever have been before in the process of actually creating the song.

"I don't really see how me having a cute image is going to allow me to help with song production," I say truthfully, speaking for the first time in this meeting.

"It's not just about the cute thing," Hyunsuk says. "We've spoken to the choreographers about getting you involved there, and you're an incredible singer who could really help us out with demos. We think you have the potential to become really amazing in all the behind the scenes stuff, if you let yourself. And what better time to start than with a cute concept?"

A whole rainbow lights up inside me, but it's wobbly. I'm not sure if I have the skills they seem to think I do, and I don't want to let them down. But... I really, really want to take the opportunity.

So I nod and smile around at the table. "How will we start?"