Fanfiction [MASHIKYU]

5 - 1

Junkyu

Stop kissing Mashiho and talk to him, Junkyu, a stupid voice in my head tells me. But with Mashiho's face cupped in my hands, his lips on mine and no one else here, that's easier said than done.

But after kissing a bit more (or maybe a lot more), I finally find the willpower to pull away. We stand there for a moment, gasping for air. I look out the window at the cloudless blue sky and see a bird flying past. That's me up there, soaring. I've never been this high.

Focus.

I turn my attention back to Mashiho, who's positively glowing as he stands in front of me. He looks so happy and it makes me want to forget everything leading up to this and just keep kissing him, but I shouldn't do that. He just went through something, and I need to make sure this is actually what he wants.

"Mashi... if this... if this is because of my drunken love speech the other night, please tell me. I really didn't mean to pressure you. If you're just doing this so that you don't hurt my feelings, you can say, and we can stop."

Mashiho gazes into my eyes while I talk, making my insides go to mush. "I swear that's not it." Oh thank God. "I mean, yeah, not wanting to hurt you anymore was a part of it, but that's because... you hurting makes me hurt. And it seemed stupid that I was putting both of us through that pain just because I was confused about my sexuality and shocked by how strongly I felt towards you." Then he takes my hand in his and plays with my fingers. "I might not know what my sexuality is, and honestly, the person I'd most love to help me figure it out is you. But I know this much, Junkyu, I..."

"Wait," I cut him off, trying to ignore the blissful tingling spreading throughout my body from where he's touching my hand, and trying to focus my head and stay smart about this. "Don't feel like you need to say that you love me just because I said it to you. We can go as fast or as slow or as... medium-speed as you want." When I say 'medium-speed', I can't help but roll my eyes at myself. Why am I such an idiot?

As well as wanting to do what's best for him, I also want what's best for me. I don't want him to rush into saying he loves me when he doesn't. I don't want him to kiss me, build me up, just to crush me back down.

Mashiho laughs and my heart flutters. "Medium-speed sounds great. Also, I love you."

I'm kind of impressed that I don't just physically combust at that.

"Are... are you sure?" I ask like the insecure fool I am. "Because I... I don't think I would be able to cope if you say that without meaning it."

He shakes his head and throws his arms around me. "I'm sure," he mumbles into my shoulder.

He hugs me tightly, burying his face in my hoodie. I hold him like I'm never going to let go, and place a tiny kiss on his neck because I can't help myself.

"I've missed you so much," he whispers.

If I hold him any tighter, he might not be able to breathe, so I stop myself from squeezing harder. "I've missed you too."

Just as I feel tears start to sting my eyes— of relief, of happiness, of disbelief— I hear a small sob escape him. Feeling my stomach drop, I quickly break away from him so I can see his face, but keep my arms wrapped around his back. Tears are falling fast down his face, shattering me, and I wish he could go back to laughing like he was just moments before.

"No, no, don't cry!" I say, my own voice cracking and tears threatening to spill at any moment.

"I'm s-sorry, Junkyu," he blubbers. "I'm so sorry for everything. I'm sorry I avoided you and made you feel like crap. I'm sorry you were hurting because of me. And I'm sorry I didn't realise I loved you sooner. And I'm sorry that... that you loved me."

He's making my heart break in a whole new way right now that I really was not ready for. I take deep breaths and will myself not to cry so that I don't upset him any more. I use my thumbs to wipe the tears off his cheeks.

"It's okay. It's all over now," I tell him quietly, then boop him on the nose and smile. "And did you seriously just apologise for... me... loving you? How does that make any sense?"

He lets out a watery chuckle, and two more tears slip down his cheeks, one from each eye. Slowly, cautiously, leaving time for him to tell me to stop, I lean forwards. When he doesn't say anything, I gently kiss one of the tears away. When he smiles, I kiss the other one away too, tasting the salt on my lips.

"I want to love you," I promise him, because I've never wanted anything more. I want to be Mashiho's Junkyu. 

Damn, Hyunsuk told me to stop labelling myself like that.

Mashiho sniffles and swipes at his cheeks. Even with his tearstained face and puffy eyes, he couldn't look any more adorable when he tilts his head and looks up at me. "Really? You still want to love me when I made you so sad you got drunk at the group dinner?"

I laugh and pull him into my embrace again, feeling the floor solid and secure beneath me once more. "Of course, my Mashi."