Dauntless transferee

4D: Depressed, drunk and Dressed as a Donkey

I always knew my mother had no feelings for me. I was another pawn to her. But I always wished if, just by any chance, snowball's chance in an oven if it came to that, she'd love, care for me or even spare me a glance more than the one's she does when she needs a favor. But, right now, all I feel is betrayal. Complete. Utter. Betrayal. From my own mother. My insides feel black. No, I don't mean blank, void, but black. You can ask how can I feel a color? My inside feel like everything has been stained by black paint, burying all the color, light, happiness, and instead replacing it with black, the darkest color. I feel small, cold and so alone in that group. I feel like I'm not in the Dauntless compound, but in a third dimension, where there is nothing but me. No taste, no smell, no touch, nothing in sight, black. 

I close my eyes to collect myself, if I keep them open I'll start crying. And that won't be wise. But the shaking won't go away. Stay strong Sof, it will pass away, why can't it pass away right now? Like how all my life went away? Is pain permanent? I don't know. And I don't want to know any answers, they're excuses as to why it won't go away. I want to believe they'll go away now. Vanish, disappear, dissolve into air and float away. The heavy feeling will dissolve like a salt ball into water. After this I watch Four. This was the guy Zeke was talking to earlier. So far from what he said while I was pulling myself from the panic attack was he was one of the two initiate instructors along with the wiry woman named Lauren. He'll be in charge of the transferees and Lauren was of the Dauntless-borns.  The transferees are to follow him to our dormitories. 

The dormitories are basically two rooms with separate bathrooms and bare walls. Steel beds with thread-bare mattresses and a pillow that was as good as the mattress. The left on the corridor was for girls and a bit down to the right was for the boys. As we walk by I go a bit slow, one, I want to check for cameras. NO! I'm not inviting guys in my rom or sneaking off, but I want to see where the Erudite can see us, yes, all the security cameras can be accessed from Erudite headquarters and so my mother will be able to keep an eye on things. Two, I don't like the smell coming from the rooms, ugly. Molten cardboard and rotten things. I feel like hurling and I know I'd be sleeping there when I'm dropped dead. 

The best option I have is roam around here, try to know this excuse of a faction. Even if the Dauntless is valuable pawns for my mother it's still a faction full of stupid brain dead adrenaline junkies, plus, they don't serve me anything advantageous, only for my mother, not me, so why should I care about them? No reasons, I simply should not if it doesn't benefit me, it's just a waste of precious time which will in turn ebb after my mother has her serums developed, she'll simply have no reason to care after she sees that my work of herding a bunch of cattles in done. 

I simply hate life. I hate my existence. I hate this system. I hate everything. I simply don't find anything lovable anymore... wait- what was love in the first place in my life? I don't know... I don't know...

I don't know...

This feeling sucks... Not knowing... what to do... what to believe... what to follow... and how to escape... I hate it... Life is really unfair... Someone... help me....

While I was off wallowing in self-pity I reached the railed chasm, It looks deep, jumping will hurt and I can't be sure I'd be guaranteed a quick death. WHAT!!! STOP IT! STOP.IT! NO, YOU'RE NOT GONNA DIE, NO, YOU WON'T WALK AROUND BEING DEPRESSED! YOU'RE GONNA TRY TO FIND THE SOLUTION OF THE EXISTING PROBLEM!! NO MATTER WHICH GROUND YOU'RE STANDING ON, YOU'RE STILL AN ERUDITE, THINK, AND TRY NOT TO GET TRAMPLED BY GRUESOME FEELINGS AND DIE IN A PATHETIC PLACE LIKE THIS!!! BE A MAN!!