Loves Me Not

TWO

BEFORE
CATALAINA KITTRIDGE

Sometimes I look at life like a roadmap, and it's hard to pinpoint exactly where things went wrong. Where did I make a wrong turn? What decisions lead me to this very moment I'm in right now? I guess the only way to truly know is to go back. All the way back.

It all started when I was seventeen. Well, not my life, but everything thereafter. Everything that mattered. Seventeen was when my life changed forever. And anything else before that was just predetermined fate. Seventeen was when I learned to think and act for myself. So that is where we're starting. Seventeen.

My household was pretty typical. Your average nuclear family with the stay-at-home mom and workaholic dad. My brother and I were never close as kids, but we developed a friendship in our teen years. He's two years older than me, Holden. My favorite thing about him is that he doesn't care what people think about him. He always does his own thing and never worries about judgements or consequences.

My mother, on the other hand, was neurotic. I think quitting her job to stay at home and raise Holden and I drove her insane. I don't blame her – we were crazy, and definitely didn't make parenting easy for her. But I loved her nonetheless and appreciate every sacrifice she ever made for our family.

My dad was the most passive, laid-back guy I knew. He didn't yell, he didn't fight, he didn't get into arguments. He just went to work and spent time with us and lived his life so effortlessly. I often tried to emanate the same energy that he did; bask in that passivity, that composure he possessed that I could somehow never acquire. But at the end of the day, I was my mother's daughter.

I lost my virginity when I was seventeen. I guess I was trying to learn about the world and figure things out for myself. I didn't even really like the guy. It was just an experiment, to see what it was like, find out what all the hype was about. And truth be told, it was scary. Because I didn't really talk to boys all that much. They were never really an interest of mine. So putting myself out on a limb like that was terrifying. But it happened, and I then realized that sex wasn't as big of a deal as people made it out to be.

I was a good kid. I studied hard, focused on the important things, worked a part-time job to save some extra cash for university, and kept my head up. Like I said, boys were never really an interest to me. Sure, they were cute, and sure, flirting could be fun. But no one special ever caught my eye. No one. Not until I met Will Sterling.

Will was my brother's friend. And you know the rules: brother's friends are off limits. I was eighteen, and they were twenty. My brother met Will during his first year away at university. It wasn't until second year that he brought Will home with him one weekend. And that is where my story begins. That is the weekend that the stars aligned and the universe brought the two of us together for the first time.

It happened on a Friday evening. Holden and Will were both attending NYU. It was about a two hour drive from Connecticut, give or take. They arrived home that evening just after six. My mother had cooked dinner and welcomed Will – this complete stranger – into our home with open arms.

I remember the very moment he walked through our front door. I was sitting at the kitchen table, doing homework that I couldn't care less about. I looked up and that's when I saw him. Tall and broad. Light hair, dark eyes. He stopped briefly in our foyer, unsure of what to do. My brother took his bag from him and dropped it by the stairs. Cut to my mother entering the scene, the pure look of enthusiasm on her face. Will stuck out his hand to shake hers and she swatted it away and went in for a hug. It was just as she was pulling away that his eyes wandered in my direction and found mine. He must have seen me sitting there like a loser, beanie on, pen in hand, staring at him. He didn't wave or say hello. But the corners of his mouth inched upwards slightly, and I realized then that he was giving me a slight smile. Hello.