Loves Me Not

TWENTY

BEFORE
CATALAINA KITTRIDGE

We awoke the next morning, sober and well aware of everything that had happened the night before. I opened my eyes as I faded into consciousness. My head was still resting on his chest. Immediately the memory of the night before rushed into my brain and my heartrate accelerated.

He was still asleep as I slowly lifted myself from him and searched for my clothes on the floor. I thought about the last time – the first time – we had been together. It had been so different then. So new, discovering unexplored territory. We were young and we were drunk and we didn't know what we were doing. We had kissed for the first time and it had been an experiment. But this time was different. We were fully aware of what we were doing. And yet somehow, we managed to fuck up the same way and make just as bad of a mistake.

Will must have heard me fumbling around and woke up. He sat up on the couch, observed his surroundings, realized where he was, then remembered what happened. We looked at each other. A moment of hesitation, recognition. Regret.

Neither one of us wanted to talk about it, but we had to.

"That shouldn't have happened," he said to me once we were fully clothed, sitting at the kitchen table with tea in front of us.
"I know," I said solemnly.
Silence.
"Juliette can never find out," he said.
I looked up at him, taken back. "You're staying with her?"
"Why wouldn't I stay with her?"
"Because of what you just did last night... with me."
"I told you, that was a mistake."
"So? It still happened. You can't just ignore that. You can't just pretend it never happened. Because it did."
"But she doesn't need to know that."
"So you're willing to lie to her? To hide this colossal secret from her?"
He didn't say anything, but his answer was yes.
I shook my head. "Why did you even stay here then?" I asked out of curiosity. "If it was such a mistake."
He took a moment before he answered. "I don't know."
"Clearly there's something between us that neither one of us wants to admit."
He stared at me. An eternity seemed to pass between us.
When I couldn't take it any longer, I stood up and brought my still-full mug to the sink and dumped it. "Just go," I said. "Add me to the list of mistakes you've made."

_____

We didn't speak for a few weeks after that. I tried to keep myself busy. I had a few job interviews lined up. I was trying to sort my life out, figure out what exactly I was going to do. I pushed the Will thing to the back of my mind and tried not to let it bother me or get in the way of everything else that mattered. He was right. It was one night, a stupid mistake. The part that I couldn't wrap my head around, however, was losing him as a friend.

Ever since I was nineteen years old, Will had been my closest friend. And I guess I fucked that up when I kissed him that night three years back. But we somehow managed to remain friends after that, as though nothing had changed between us. I didn't want to lose him again. I couldn't.

After enough time had passed since that night, I reached out to him, asking if he would meet for brunch. He agreed.

We made formalities, sat down, picked at our food. It was awkward in the beginning, as though neither one of us quite knew what to say. I decided to just dive right in and break the ice.

"Look, we made a mistake," I said. "We can both recognize that and move on from it. What I don't want to happen is for the two of us to grow apart once again. I can't handle losing you, Will. Despite everything that's happened between us, you are my best friend. We've been through everything together. And I don't want one stupid mistake to ruin that."
"I agree," he said. "You're my best friend. I don't want to lose you either."

And thus, we rebooted our friendship.

The months that followed were an improvement. If anything, things were getting better between us. We'd talk on the phone a couple nights a week, and try to see each other at least two to three times a month. And trust me – that was a lot for us, considering I was now teaching full time and Will was in his final year of med school. Our friendship was honest and genuine. Whatever feelings I might have misinterpreted previously had been righted. I was even beginning to grow fond of Juliette. She was generous and kind, and always accepted me as Will's friend without any hint of jealousy. I guess Will had never told her about the first time we were together, and he sure as hell would never tell her about the second. So I guess in this case, ignorance truly was bliss.

Before I knew it, the New Year had arrived. It was 2016, which meant that it was Will's final year of med school. He'd be graduating in the spring, and then after that, moving onto his medical residency at a hospital. I was so excited for him, eager to see where he'd go with his career path and witness the miraculous changes he could make.

It was the fourteenth of February when it happened. Valentine's Day. It caught me off guard. I never even saw it coming. I'm sure nobody saw it coming. But sure enough, it happened. That night, as Will sat at the table across from Juliette in the restaurant of her choosing, he got down on one knee and pulled out a little square box.

Next thing I knew, they were engaged. And it was only when Will broke the news to me that I realized for the first time in my life what true heartbreak felt like.