Loves Me Not

SEVENTY FOUR

BEFORE
CATALAINA KITTRIDE

Although it was May, the night air was cold, especially at the water. I stood at the end of the pier, staring out into the ocean, hugging my arms close to my chest. I was shivering but tried not to think about it. Thinking about it only made it worse.

A few minutes later, I heard a noise and turned around. Headlights were blinding me. I squinted and brought my hand as a visor to my face. The car approached, driving up the pier directly towards me. I recognized his car and felt relief. He came. He actually came.

The car came to a stop, but the headlights were still blinding me. When they finally shut off, I could see his car clearly. I waited a moment, hoping he'd get out and come to me.

The car door opened. I held my breath.

Everyone has a certain moment that they envision in their heads, whether it be the day you meet your soulmate, or the day you hold your first child. But there are smaller things that we envision as well. The look on your parents face when you achieve a goal. The feeling you get when you pass that exam you thought you'd fail. Staring at your soon-to-be husband across from you at the altar.

You see, my life consisted of envisioning moments. That was all I seemed to do. I planned things in my head and hoped that life followed through exactly how I envisioned it. Silly me. I should have learned not to be so naïve. Because if I learned anything in this lifetime, it's that you cannot plan every detail of your life. And most of the time, fate doesn't exist. Life throws you curve balls that you weren't expecting and there's nothing you can do about it. When that car door opened, it was the biggest curve ball I'd ever been thrown.

She stepped out of the car, looking somehow impeccable considering it was two o'clock in the morning. She wore a white trench-coat that screamed bourgeoisie, and the purse that hung on her shoulder she kept clutched in front of her. She looked a mixture between confident and scared, as though she was only half certain of herself. She took in a breath and walked towards me. The woman I despised most in this world. The woman who was the one obstacle in my way of complete happiness.

"Juliette," I breathed, the words leaving my mouth before I could even process what was happening.
"Hello, Catalaina."
"What are you doing here?"
"I could ask you the same thing."
"Where's Will? What did he tell you?"
She laughed at my words. "What did he tell me? He didn't tell me anything. I came here on my own accord."
I hesitated, feeling woozy from the alcohol and in shock from her presence. "What are you talking about?"
"Silly girl," she said. "You truly think that Will would agree to meet with you in the middle of the night? Oh wait – apparently he already has this week. Multiple times."
I remained silent, unsure of how to respond.
She began again. "Who do you think was texting you?"
My heart stammered in my chest. "You have his phone?"
"It was buzzing on his night-stand. I assumed that someone as intellectually gifted as Will would be a lot smarter. Most people would have put it on silent. Maybe he forgot, who knows? Either way, you got me instead."
"Juliette –"
"Save it," she said coldly. "I'm not here to listen to your excuses. I couldn't care less about what you have to say. I'm the one who wants to do the talking. Are you ready to listen?"
I took in a breath, contemplating what else I could do. Then I said, "Okay."
"Good," she said, looking me over. We stood close enough to speak, but not close enough to touch. She was still a far distance away from me and I preferred it that way. I didn't want her to see the shame and dismay on my face.
"I don't know what right you think you have to reach out to my husband after all this time, but I want you to know that I don't appreciate it. We've always been so good to you, Catalaina. I thought we were friends, you and I. And then the two of you had to go sneaking around and stab me in the back."
"It wasn't like that –"
"Please don't interrupt," she said. She took in another deep breath, waited a moment. "Do you think I'm stupid? Do you think I haven't been aware of what's been going on with you and my husband for years? Don't answer that, it's a rhetorical question. It's abundantly obvious. I've always known.
"He told me. Did he ever tell you that? When you slept with each other at your apartment a few years back? He broke down crying and confessed to me, begged me not to leave him. I didn't. I stayed with him and we tried to make things work. My one condition was that he never speak to you again, and he promised me that he wouldn't. But then of course, the two of you always find your way back into each other's lives. And then the next thing I knew, we were all becoming friends, me, Will, you, and Ben.
"I had hope for us. That we could all start over and move on from mistakes of the past. I really thought that was possible, especially since you had Ben.
"Then we got married. He stopped speaking to you, and everything was looking up for us. For the past year, Will and I have lived a blissful existence, just the two of us. Silly me for thinking it could ever stay that way. Because then you had to come along and ruin everything.
"You have a way of doing that – resurfacing and fucking everything up. Does your fiancé know? You can answer that. I'm genuinely curious."
I swallowed. "No."
She smiled a conniving smile. "How unfortunate. You've been disloyal to someone who cares deeply about you. Such a shame it would be if he ever found out."
"Are you threatening me?"
She laughed. "I don't need to threaten you. I don't need to do anything. You're already screwing up your life all on your own."
"I'm sorry!" I cried out. "For everything. I never intended for things to happen the way they did. But Juliette, you have to understand – I love him. And I know that you love him too, so you can understand how I feel. I don't know what to do. It eats away at me and won't let me be. It's this gnawing feeling that I can't get rid of. And clearly he feels it as well."
"Don't you fucking dare," she spit. "Don't tell me what my husband does and does not feel. Only I know that. I'm his wife. You are nothing to him."
"Okay," I said. "You're right, I fully admit that. I'm a horrible person. I'm a homewrecker. I apologize to you from the bottom of my heart. I will stay away from you and Will and let the two of you continue on with your lives, never having to worry about seeing me again."
"You're lying," she said. "Everything that comes out of your mouth is a lie."
"What do you want from me!?"
She stared at me, and it seemed to be the first time she actually heard me for the entire duration of our conversation.
"I want you to leave," she said. "I want you to pack up your things, pack up your fiancé, and get the hell out of here. I don't want to see you, I don't want to hear from you."
"So you're really okay with getting rid of me and staying with Will? Even though you know what he's been doing behind your back?" I stared at her, awestruck. "Come on, Juliette. I know you're a smart woman. Even you know better than to stay with a man who cheats. More than once, I might add."
"Fuck you," she said. "That's your fault, not his. If it wasn't for you, he never would have done those things."
"Oh, yes, because it's always the woman's fault, right? Never the man. The man is never to blame. Do you hear yourself?"
"With you out of the picture, Will would never do something like that again. You're a malevolent temptress who brings out the worst in him. He loves me and wants to be with me. I forgive him for his sins of the past. He may have gotten a bit lost along the way, but he will soon realize his mistakes and understand how much he needs me. That's why it's imperative you are out of his life for good. He won't be tempted by you and your immoralities."
I stared at her, processing her words, contemplating what to do. She was right by all means. I was a home-wrecking slut, by definition. I had ruined a lot of good things in people's lives. I should have taken her advice and left town, vowing never to see her or Will again.
Only problem was, I couldn't do that.
"Why don't we give Will a call," I said, taking a step closer to her. "We'll let him decide who he wants to be with."
She glared at me. "The audacity you have to even suggest such a thing."
"It's a good idea," I said. "A fair plan. I won't let you control me or my life, and I sure as hell won't let you control Will's. This is a decision he needs to make on his own. And if he chooses you, then so be it. I will accept it. I've accepted it before, and I can accept it again. But something tells me things might not go that way."
"This is ridiculous," she said, turning to face the water, then facing me again. "You are a despicable person, I hope you know that. I hope your fiancé discovers the type of woman you are. I hope you never find peace, love, or happiness again." She paused, staring at me. Then she said, "I'm going home now. To my husband. Where he will block your number and never speak to you again. So please don't make a fool of yourself by attempting to reach out again. You'll only be embarrassing yourself." She gave me one last look, then said, "Goodbye, Catalaina," and headed back to her car.
But before opening the door and getting inside, she looked at me one last time. "You said something tonight," she said. "In your text message to him." She stared at me. "You said that you'd rather die than live without him. Is that true?"
My heart was beating through my chest. I hated her for reading those messages. Hated her for having the power over me that she did. "Yes," I said. "That is the truth."
She nodded her head. "That truly is unfortunate."

She opened the door to her car and got inside. She started the engine and the headlights immediately came to life, blinding me once again. Instinctively, I brought my hand to my face to shield my eyes from the brightness.

I waited for her to put the car in reverse and turn around. But the car just sat there, idling, the headlights glaring straight ahead. I remained in my spot at the edge of the pier, staring her down, even though I couldn't see her. I knew she could see me all too well. I was challenging her.

I heard the car being put into drive. But instead of the headlights turning to the side, they began slowly getting closer to me. And then all at once, there was nothing slow about it. The car came at me full force. I could picture her pressing her foot down on the accelerator as hard as she possibly could, all the rage in her body surging through her.

It happened quickly. I turned around to run or jump out of the way, and I felt the impact. The car hit me from behind, knocking the air straight out of my lungs. I lost my breath and gasped for air but couldn't find any. I felt a sharp shooting pain go through my spine and ribcage, like they were breaking into a million pieces. I couldn't process everything that was happening: loss of oxygen, excruciating pain, the feeling of flying through the air at full-speed, and then free-falling into somewhere unknown.

I was brought into a whole new reality when I made contact with the ice-cold water. It was another sharp impact on my entire body. Bone-breaking, skin-slicing pain. And then, full submersion.

I felt myself begin to lose consciousness, but was still trying to process everything that was going on. They tell you that death is a peculiar thing. You will know when it is happening to you, but there is nothing you can do to stop it. The only thing you can do is accept it. Accept the fact that you lived a good life, but unfortunately, your time on this earth has come to an end.

In those last few seconds before you lose complete consciousness, you try to scan back on your life as quickly as possible. You picture your parents holding your hand as a child. You picture your brother, smiling and laughing at you as you fall off your bike. You picture your childhood friends, your first kiss, your high school graduation, the first time you drove a car, falling in love, looking him in the eyes, remembering the way he held you and adored you and made you feel like there was nothing on this planet that mattered more than the two of you together. That was the last thing I remembered seeing. Will's face, staring back at me. I extended my arm and grasped for his hand.

But of course, he was out of reach. He was always out of reach.

And just like that, the pain and the lack of air and everything else seemed to disappear. I acknowledged my surroundings and accepted my defeat as a rush of calmness washed over me. It's funny, my favorite place on earth has always been under water. I found it to be calming and tranquil. Therapeutic. I always craved the feeling it brought.

Fitting that it ishere that I ended up.