Of Hearts and Shields

When You're Feeling Tiered

Words: 1073

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Reader 

Summary: With the country still in the grip of a worldwide pandemic, Reader finds that she can't stop herself from watching footage of Americans across the country not taking the issue seriously. Steve finds her up late one night watching these videos and he gives her some sound advice about what to do when you're emotionally tiered. 

You were wearing one of your favorite hoodies. Almost a decade old it had been black, but the color had faded to a dusty grey now. The logo of your favorite band had cracked and split to the point of being nearly unrecognizable. The strings to tighten the hood had gotten lost in the wash two or three years ago.

The lights in the kitchen were off, and you sat at a table alone with one leg tucked under you. The other, was leaning against the table so you could rest your chin on it. You sat like that, hood up, twisted like a pretzel, with a warm cup of tea getting colder by the second. You were watching compilation videos on Youtube.

They were not the sort of "feel good" compilations that most people watched. There were no singing dogs or cats who played piano mixed in among them. The truth was the videos you were watching were downright depressing. Videos of Anti-maskers spitting in the faces of people who were just trying to protect themselves from a terrifying disease. People in supermarkets throwing fits when they're asked to simply cover their face for an hour while they shop.

"I will not be muzzled like a dog!" One of the anti-maskers snapped at a young cashier in one video.

You felt a shiver creep in as you let Youtube play the next compilation. One man attempted to get on a flight to New York while refusing to wear a mask and was shocked when the flight attendants turned him away. He started shouting that it was a violation of his civil liberties. Another woman is shown at a conference in Florida claiming that masks are an attempt to "throw God's wonderful breathing system out the door." Still you kept watching.

"[Y/N], it's late." You hear someone yawn behind you. You tear your eyes away from your tablet screen for the first time in hours to see Steve walk towards you. You tried to hide what you were watching, but it was too late. He'd already seen.

"You're watching this stuff again, Doll?" He frowned.

"I don't know why." You shook your head. "None of it makes me feel any better. I don't know what scares me more Steve, this virus or these people. I mean we can protect them from alien invasions and natural disasters, but we can protect them from their own stupidity!"

"You gotta stop watching these." He insisted stopping the video that was currently playing.

"I'm so tired, Steve." You sighed.

"I told you, it's late. Let's get some sleep." Steve waited for you to get up so you could walk to bet together.

"Not that kind of tired." You pulled the sleeves of your sweatshirt up so they covered your hands. You put your elbows up on the table, made your hands into fists, and rested your chin on your fists. "I don't know how much longer I can live like this. They want to send kids back to school! School. Steve, they can't even get adults to wear mask, they expect kids to understand why it's important?" you could feel tears welling up in your eyes.

"My mom used to have a saying." Steve said. He sat down at the table and placed one of his hands on each of your cheeks. "Some people live more in twenty years than other do in eighty. It's not the time that matters, it's the person. I didn't understand it back then. I thought it was just something she said to make me feel better about being the small skinny kid." He chuckled which made you smile. "But when I look into your eyes, I know what she meant." Steve leaned forward and kissed you. He pressed his lips gently against your before pulling back and letting his hands fall to his sides.

"It's okay to not be okay [Y/N]. I'm old enough to know that living a longer life doesn't always make it a better one. Life has a way of making you, for lack of a better word, tiered. Tiered of the struggle. Tiered of losing everyone that matters to you. Tiered of watching everything turn to dust." Steve leaned back in his chair.

"So what am I supposed to do? When the life makes me feel too tired?" You asked. "What's the 'get more sleep' equivalent of being this kind of tired?"

"Well, there's no universal answer for everyone." Steve answered honestly. "But I try to look at things this way, for every person out there refusing to wear a mask, there's a researcher like Bruce working day and night to find a cure. For every billionaire forcing their retail stores to open so they can syphon more money into their pockets, there's someone like Tony, telling their people to stay home. He'll continue to pay their wages so that they don't have to worry about money or where their next paycheck is from."

"It's not an easy thing to have, hope." Steve admitted. "But often times, when it's the hardest to find, that's when we need it most. It World War II, we got through it by the people rallying together. Kids collecting bottlecaps for the war effort and mothers going to work for the first time. It's not going to be easy, but the best way for any of us to survive this, is going to be together."

"It doesn't feel like we're in this together." You said, pointing to your tablet.

"Tony explained to me how websites like this work. They use an algorithm to detect what you're watching and recommend relevant videos. So, if you're watching these...anti-masker videos you're going to keep getting suggestions for them until you stop and start watching something else. A recent study actually shows that 3 out of 4 Americans are in favor of wearing masks."

"Those are pretty good odds." You mumbled.

"So, how about for now, until you start to feel a little less tiered, we tried to find one good thing a day?" Steve suggested. "After a while we can try for two or maybe three good things a day. What do you think?"

"That doesn't sound too hard." You agreed.

"Alright. Then let's leave all this here for the night. We both need our rest." He stood up and offered you his hand. You took it and yawned as if to solidify his point.