things i'll never say ~ l.l.p.

nineteen - stupid

Mason stood still, watching me. Waiting for me to say something. The hallway was empty except for us now — everyone was probably in their dorms, making last-minute preparations. I glanced at the kitchen entrance, biting my lip. "You didn't tell him, did you?"

The dark-haired boy raised an eyebrow. "Who, Charlie?"

"Yes, Charlie. I'd rather he didn't... I mean, I don't want him to... I worry it might give him a bad impression. Of me."

Mason snorted. "Because you fancy him. Right?"

"No!" I said, too quickly. His eyes challenged the response, and I dropped my gaze. "Well, I mean, I..."

"Don't worry about it, Lily," my former friend sighed. "Your secret's safe with me."

I looked back up at him, and winced at how soft his eyes were. I expected him to be more... I don't know, accusatory. But he wasn't. Just... calm. Perhaps pitying.

He turned and began to walk back in the direction of the Hufflepuff common room, so I fell into step beside him. I took another tentative sip of coffee, considering where to take this conversation. I knew more had to be said. I opened my mouth, but paused, uncertain of what I actually wanted to say to him now that I was here. Finally, I settled on, "I'm... sorry."

Mason glanced over at me, brow creased, as he continued to walk. "For...?"

I swallowed. "You know. Last night."

"I'm not sure what you're apologizing to me for." The humour had slipped back into his voice.

I avoided looking him in the eye. "I, um... Well, I said some stupid shit. And, you know, interrupted your... nighttime stroll, or whatever."

Mason didn't speak for a long moment. We were past the common room entrance now, venturing into a section of the basement I was unfamiliar with. Finally, he said the one thing I did not expect: "I didn't think what you said last night was stupid."

The words took me aback, and I stumbled slightly, managing to splash some coffee on my feet. I cursed under my breath, then quickly schooled my expression into indifference, hoping he hadn't seen whatever emotions I was feeling at the moment flash across my face.

Did he really not think it was stupid? Did that mean he... agreed? He wanted to start over? I looked up at Mason — Merlin, it was weird looking up at him; the height difference still hadn't quite registered in my mind — and studied his face, hoping to read his thoughts there. He had always been an open book, back when we were kids. I could have told you every thought in his head. But now... I could tell I could only see what he was letting me see. And...

Gods above, why did he have to look at me like that? Those brown eyes were so honest, and so open, and so accepting, and I could feel — I could feel in my very soul — how willing he was. To pretend the distance had never existed. To pretend I had never hurt him.

Damn it, what gave him the right to stand there, so ready to forgive me? So ready to put it all behind us? It made me feel like a piece of shit, to be honest. He was such a goddamned Hufflepuff, always ready with a warm smile and a generous heart. And I was... Well. I was me. And maybe back in first year, me being friendly with Mason Bones was not so far-fetched, but now... I was the cynical, unpopular girl who sat out by the Black Lake drinking firewhiskey until three in the morning, and he was the beautiful, smart, purehearted golden boy. Who was I kidding? Such a friendship would have been doomed from the moment it began.

I gripped my mug tighter and said, "Well, it was. Stupid, I mean. You're... not the sort of person I hang around with these days."

I didn't look away in time to avoid seeing the hurt flash across Mason's face. "So that's how it is?" he asked. There was no anger in his voice, just... disappointment.

"Yes," I said, my voice as hard as the stone walls around us. "That's how it is."

There was a pause, and then he said, "You really have changed." I stopped in my tracks, but didn't look up at him, even though those words hit me like a punch in the gut. "The Lily I knew—"

"I stopped being the Lily you knew when you stopped wanting to know me," I hissed, lifting my head to look him in the eye. "So you do not get to stand here and guilt me just because I'm not a bloody angel. I—"

Mason scoffed. "I'm not trying to guilt you! Merlin, Lily, is that really what you think this is? You're the one who brought up the whole thing in the first place. I was content to let you hate me for as long as you wanted... You said we should start over—"

"I was drunk!" I say, wincing at my own volume. "And I—" My voice cracked, and suddenly the argument seemed like a colossal waste of time. What was I even fighting for? I didn't care what he felt; I didn't care what he thought of me. I just wanted to get out of here and pretend it had never happened.

I sighed and lowered my voice. "Look," I said, "it doesn't matter, okay? I was drunk; I said some bloody stupid shit. It didn't mean anything. So... let's just forget it ever happened."

He shifted on his feet, running a hand through his neat brown hair before saying, "Alright. If that's what you want."

"It is," I said, even as I wondered if it really was. Too late to start doubting now, you idiot. Before I could lower myself even further by opening my mouth and taking back every word I'd said, I spun on my heel and started back towards the stairs.

"Lily..."

"What?" I snapped, whirling back around. I just wanted to get out of here.

Mason stared at me, and his brown eyes were impossibly soft — damn it, wouldn't anything I did make him stop looking at me like he still cared? He hesitated, much as he had the night before. I watched his adam's apple bob. Finally, he said, "Just... take care of yourself, okay? Not everyone who wanders the halls at night has good intentions."

I should have shot back a snarky retort, but I couldn't manage it. All I felt in that moment was shame, beating down on me like the desert sun. It felt like I had spat in his face, and he had repaid me with a hug.

I nodded mutely and walked away, my headache intensified by this newfound burden.