things i'll never say ~ l.l.p.

twenty - expectations

"Hey, are you reading The Fault in Our Stars?"

I jolted, tilting my head up to see who was speaking to me. It was two days before Christmas, and I was curled up alone in a back corner of the library. The common room and my dormitory were both getting boring, so I'd come here for a change.

The girl in front of me was average height, slim but not scrawny, with long, thick blonde hair that tumbled over her shoulders in waves. She wore wire-framed glasses, which you could tell just by looking at them were rather thick, and there was a Hufflepuff scarf dangling from her neck.

I knew of this girl; she was in my year and I'd had the occasional class with her, although I didn't this term. She was a loner, for the most part. I shut my book and smiled at her. "Absolutely! It's one of my favorites."

The blonde girl grinned. "Me, too. Hazel is such a great character, isn't she? I totally relate to her."

I nodded. "Yeah, I do really like Hazel... honestly, though, I relate more to Gus. He reminds me of myself in a lot of ways."

She laughed quietly. "Well, to each their own, I guess." After a moment, she added, "I'm Isabella, by the way. My friends call me Bella."

Ah, that was her name. I couldn't quite remember before. I smiled. "Good to meet you formally. I'm Lily, although I suppose you know that."

"Yeah... I mean, I guess everyone does."

"Unfortunately."

Bella pursed her lips. "Is it so bad? Having everyone know who you are?"

I shrugged. "Maybe not all the time. But it sure as hell can be a bloody nightmare every once in awhile."

"Well, I'm sure it has some perks too. It can't be all bad, right?"

"I suppose it does but all the same... I'd rather no one knew who I was," I replied, a wry smile on my face. In some ways, I thought, no one did know who I was. There were parts of myself I'd never really shared with anyone, and I preferred to keep it that way. It was... easier. Safer.

Bella smiled. "I should leave you to your reading, Lily... but we should hang out sometime! It can be a bit boring over Christmas when there aren't so many people around."

I wasn't much for making friends lately, but this girl didn't seem too bad. She wasn't desperate, like the ones who were clearly just trying to climb some social ladder by befriending the daughter of the Chosen One. I supposed I could give her a chance... she clearly had good taste, since she was a fan of John Green. "All right," I said. "Do you... have any plans for New Year's?"

"Not really," Bella said, shrugging.

"There's usually something going on up in the astronomy tower," I told her. "You know... the prefects like to throw the odd party. My brother's a prefect, so... he could probably get us invites. If you'd like to go."

The blonde girl smiled. "That sounds wonderful! Although... there won't be a lot of drinking or anything like that, will there?"

I laughed. "They might be drinking a little bit, but they won't force it on us. I wouldn't worry about it. Some of the seventh years will get tipsy, but not totally smashed. It's nothing crazy."

Bella cringed. "I dunno... I might have to pass. That's not really my scene. But we'll hang out some other time, 'kay? I'll see you around."

Well, that was rather a sudden goodbye, I thought as she walked away. It was probably a good thing she wasn't going to come, though. That meant I was free to get as drunk as I wanted. At this point, I wasn't even worried who saw me. If my parents found out, they found out. Maybe it would be better if they did, because I might be tempted to stop. Admittedly, the whole thing was beginning to weigh on me. A part of me wanted it to come out, but I'd never have the guts to reveal it myself. The best I could do was hope they found out through somebody else.