Vents, rants, and things I just need to get out

She used to be mine

It's not simple to say
Most days I don't recognize me
These shoes and this apron
That place and its patrons
Have taken more than I gave 'em
It's not easy to know
I'm not anything like I used to be
Although it's true
I was never attention sweet center
I still remember that girl

She's imperfect but she tries
She is good but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won't ask for help
She is messy but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up
And baked in a beautiful pie

She is gone but she used to be mine

It's not what I asked for
Sometimes life just slips in through a back door
And carves out a person
And makes you believe it's all true
And now I've got you
And you're not what I asked for
If I'm honest I know I would give it all back
For a chance to start over
And rewrite an ending or two
For the girl that I knew

Who be reckless just enough
Who can hurt but
Who learns how to toughen up when she's bruised
And gets used by a man who can't love
And then she'll get stuck and be scared
Of the life that's inside her
Growing stronger each day
'Til it finally reminds her
To fight just a little
To bring back the fire in her eyes
That's been gone but it used to be mine
Used to be mine

She is messy but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone but she used to be mine

(She used to be mine, from the musical Waitress)

God, I just want to be like I used to be. Before I was insecure, before I had acne, before I was struggling to put a label in my sexuality, like really struggling, before this crush started stressing me out, before covid. God, remember before covid? We could see people, go out and do stuff, now a lot of that's gone.

I remember before all this, I was different. I was skinny, I wasn't chubby like now I am now. I didn't have a million tabs open in the private section on safari (Google for iPhones) searching stuff like "is there an age to know I'm asexual" and "how to know if your friend is your crush" and "how do I know if I have romantic attraction towards someone" every tab is just me with my sexuality, desperately trying to hide it from everyone else. I didn't have fucking acne. I wasn't lying to my parents about what I do on my phone, you humans, Wattpad in general, all that shit.

I'm that friend. The friend who smiles all the time, always tells my friends how amazing they are, works to make sure they love themselves as much as I love them, the one who listens to others problems instead of talking about mine because I feel like I'm being selfish when I talk about my problems, the one who always says "I'm fine! Don't worry about me, how are you?" When what I really mean is "don't believe me, tell me it's okay to tell you my shit, I need to let go of this."

I'm imperfect, but I do try, a lot. I'm good, but I lie, big lies and white lies. I'm hard on myself, big time, about a lot of things. I'm broken, but I rarely ask for help. I don't ask for help in school if I don't get something, I wait till someone else asks my question or just wait till I get it, I don't ask my friends for help with my problems, I don't ask for help. I just learn to toughen up.

I was this girl, who was skinny, beautiful, funny, just thinking that being repulsed by s*x was normal for a *enter age* straight person, thinking nothing could go wrong, thinking that fantasizing about dating/kissing/marrying girls was something that all straight people did, thinking it was normal to have this weird ass anxiety and that didn't mean I had anxiety, a time where I didn't want to get tested for anxiety and ocd, a time where I was innocent, a time when I didn't get kinda sad when nobody responds to announcements that are pointless

I don't know where she went

She used to be mine

She used to be me