Night Sky (Harry Styles)

42. hearts

CHAPTER 42: HEARTS

                            Saturday, July 1st 2017 - Eugene, Oregon

                       "What are you thinking right now?" Harry asks after he just admitted that he kissed Jess two weeks ago even though he told me that nothing happened between the two of them.

  "What do you expect me to think, Harry?"

  "That you hate me." He quietly says and I let out a snort under my breath.

  "Hate is a strong word, Harry. And I can't hate you 'cause, you know, there is this stupid organ in my body that really fuckíng likes you and I don't even know why. I am disappointed, Harry. Because you lied to me twice while I was being honest and falling for you." I respond and Harry's mouth is slightly agape.

 The kiss is the smallest thing right now that upsets me. I really don't approve of it but that was before Harry even had a clue about my feelings towards him. What bothers me the most is that Harry had to lie to me.

 While I told him about Sam showing up at my house and the kiss between Brandon and me, he kept the kiss between him and Jess all for himself. Even confirmed that nothing happened two weeks ago when he ditched me for her.

  "Why did you tell Jess you'd consider being with her again even though you told me a hundred times that you'd like me?" I ask him, "You took me out on this perfect date, spent so much time with me, told me that you're trying to make me fall for you. Why did you even think it was ok to start dating me when you had just told Jess that you'd consider a relationship with her?"

  "I don't know what I was thinking." Harry answers. His eyes lower in shame. I know he is sorry but that doesn't justify his mistake, "But it's always been you, Stella..."

  "How am I supposed to believe this? While you were making me think I'm special, you kept yourself someone who will gladly take you back in case I wouldn't like you back the way you like me," I tell him, trying to be as calm and rational as possible, "Ever considered that you might have feelings for Jess?" I ask him and the words stab me silently in the heart. Now that I allowed him to come into my heart, I have to fear that he is going to leave again.

  "Maybe you love Jess after all. Maybe it's not always been me, Harry, considering that you were with Jess almost a whole year while you supposedly were in love with me. I think that really speaks for itself."

 The feeling from last night appears again. Thoughts that make me feel like I'm at a place where Harry and Jess are happily back together and I'm left alone. 

  "I don't love her. I really don't. I know I lied to you but this is the truth." Harry sounds desperate and I hate this feeling inside of me, that makes me want to forgive him so easily even though he did something wrong.

 I offered him my heart. All these years I kept it all to myself, wasn't even ready to give it Sam who tried so hard to conquer it. And then there stumbles this curly haired guy into my life, kisses me bluntly and has me pressed against a  listens to me, doesn't try to control me and makes me want to give my heart to him. But then he also has to be the one who can break it so easily. Maybe heartbreak just always comes along with love.

 Harry and I sit next to each other in silence on the edge of my bed. I have my eyes glued to the wall and Harry looks down at his nervous fingers.

  "I loved you in silence and tried to cover it up or rather to get over you by being with Jess because in silence you couldn't reject me. You were known for rejecting boys and I didn't want to be rejected. I hate that feeling. When I loved you in silence you were mine and no one else's and that was enough for a while until this road trip happened and I knew we'd be around each other so often. I couldn't help myself. I had to let out some of the feelings I have for you, so I kissed you." Harry explains.