Night Sky (Harry Styles)

67. desperate

CHAPTER 67: DESPERATE

Thursday, August 17th 2017 - Brookings, Oregon

"...why you're not answering my...Oh the voicemail started now and I've already started talking. Ugh, I won't ever figure out how to do this. Anyway, I saw you're not answering my calls or messages and that really worries me, you know? So I thought I'd leave you a voicemail. Maybe you'll listen to it, maybe I'm talking here for no reason. I know I've been a díck yesterday but that wasn't in my intention. I'm just worried about you, okay? And I want you to be happy and I want you to trust me. I kinda miss you a lot. I haven't seen you the whole weekend and knowing you're...somewhere and not fine makes me feel shitty. Because I feel like I'm the worst boyfriend ever, which I know I am but...well, you....Fuck, Stella, I just miss you and this whole thing is getting to my head. And when I say I miss you, I don't just mean...physically but just how we were before all this drama started. You know, when we were just Stella and Harry, girlfriend and boyfriend, and careless and...happy. I'm rambling...I'm sorry. I love you, Stella. Bye, hope I'll see you soon, I guess? God, hopefully you didn't listen to this...this is embarrassing. Yeah...I never know how to end a voicemail..."

Harry's rambling dies down and then voicemail is over. A little smile has formed on my face while I was listening to his voicemail. I haven't seen him since yesterday evening where I was stoned as hell and Harry came back from his trip in Boston. I was stupid to do this. But drugs like these, 'harmless' drugs, always numbed me. I have always used them for this aim: to numb myself, numb my feelings, numb a voice inside my head. I've been good at ignoring my insecurities. I've been good at pretending like I wouldn't be able to feel anything. But Harry changed that. Harry pulls my insecurities to the surface and makes me face them. He doesn't let me numb them. Because numbing something that is hidden deep inside of you is never the solution. It won't help you in the long run but it's definitely the easiest way to get rid of them—for a while at least.

But does this realization keep me from doing it again? No, it won't. Because I haven't found anything else yet that would help me to numb those strong feeligns like despair, exhaustion and fecklessness.

"I have to admit; Harry is fuckíng adorable," Beth says after the voicemail ended and I put my phone down, "He can't even go a night without you and he cares so much about you. I wish I had someone like this in my life."

"Dylan is this someone. He's always there for you."

"Dlyan's ignoring me." Beth says as we lie on her bed, facing the ceiling. She is holding the joint in her hand and takes a drag after she spoke.

"Because of Ava?"

"Guess so," Beth shrugs and hands me the joint but I shake my head, "Don't tell me you're not gonna smoke because of Harry."

"No, I just don't feel like it," I lie, "I was stoned yesterday."

"Didn't Harry come back yesterday?"

"Yeah."

"And you were stoned?"

"Yup." I say and Beth chuckles.

"Not the smartest way to greet your boyfriend after he was gone for a weekend," Beth remarks, taking another drag, "And then you sent him away?"

"Yes." I breathe out.

Now that Harry told me he didn't send the message, I believe that he didn't do anything with the girl who was his date at the wedding and I believe that she has sent the message even though I don't understand why she would do that. Why would she want to ruin my relationship to Harry when she doesn't even know me? How can people be so cruel?