Intoxicated

Chapter Twenty Five

It's so strange to think this will be the last time I set foot here. At least, for now. The familiar sound of chatter and laughter fills my ears. Along with the ring of the first bell. Everyone swarms inside, and I follow. I'm leaving and I haven't even made it to the end of the first term. Proof that it was too soon, or that I really am running away from everything. Maybe it's both.

Except how is that my fault? Anyone in my shoes would do the same, but I hope no one has to be.

The cluster in the hall finally starts to settle, people filing into their classes. For a Monday, everyone is surprisingly awake. I can't say the same. I haven't really slept well in a while. Maybe I should go back on my sleeping meds... I think as I go to enter my class, but a hand grabs my shoulder.

I double back, practically snapping my neck to see. "Noah?" I say, and then quickly stepping out of the door frame for the others to go past.

He stands beside it, almost as tall. His eyes scan me, wild and wide. "Can we talk?" he asks, sounding breathless. He drops his hand from my shoulder.

I didn't even notice it was there. "Of course." I reply, hopefully not too sincerely as we start down the hall. We're probably going to get in trouble, but oh well. It's my last day here, so does it really matter?

Noah swivels to face me the moment we turn the corner. He's gripping his bag straps like I usually do when I'm on edge. "Jace told me everything," he blurts, his Adams apple bulging as he gulps. "He said he went to your house and told you. That you comforted him."

My lips part in astonishment. Did he really say that? Wait, does he know what Jace -

He puts his hand on my shoulder again. "Thank you," he says, licking his lips. "I mean it. I know how much he's done to you, and for you to..." he trails off with a shake of his head. Then he looks at me again. "Just, thank you. Really."

I can't help but frown slightly. "It's okay." I reassure him, even though it isn't. Because it took every bit of my willpower not to lash out at Jace or make him leave after all he's done. But even he's hurting, and who am I to hurt him more?

Noah's face twists, and his grip on my shoulder starts to weigh me down. "What do we do?" he whispers, his nostrils flaring like he's fighting back tears. Or fear.

God, why did Jace tell him? This only makes it worse. "I-I don't..." I was right. A tear trickles down his cheek. Oh god. Before I know what I'm doing, I pull him in for a hug. He doesn't resist. I have to go on my toes a bit but I wrap my arms around him. Giving him a slight squeeze which he probably doesn't even feel underneath all his bulk. Thankfully he doesn't give one back otherwise he'd probably crush me.

His chest shakes slightly. "I can't believe this is what you've been dealing with," he says, his voice strained. He breathes in and out hard. "This is so fucked up."

Noah's chin digs into my shoulder. I start rubbing his back, because I don't know what else to do. "I know," I reply. "I know."

Reluctantly, he pulls away. I'm just glad no one's here to see this - I don't know how I'd explain it. He wipes his eyes, avoiding mine.

God, what has this turned into? "Hey, it's going to be fine," I tell him, sounding more sure than I am. "It was an accident. It was all just a big, messed up accident - I know Jace didn't mean for it to happen and neither did Sadie. That's why..." My mind scrunches up like a piece of paper, with words on it that don't make any sense. But they have to be said. "That's why we're not going to do anything."

He looks up at me, eyes wider than before. "What?"

Doubt starts to creep up behind me. I don't even know if this is the right choice. But what is? Is there even one? I shake my head at him and close my eyes for a moment. Collecting myself. "Look, it's okay. They haven't found out anything for months, otherwise they would've already. Alex is dead either way, and I'm sure he wouldn't want us to get in trouble with the police," I explain, crossing my fingers he agrees. Because I can't overthink this anymore than I already have. His face only furrows more. He isn't convinced. I don't want to play this card, but I have to. "Do you really want Jace to go to jail? Because that's where he'll end up if we tell them, accident or not. He withheld information from the police."

I don't mention that we're doing that as we speak. Because then he'll definitely tell.

He clamps either side of his head, shifting away from me slightly. "God," he says underneath his breath. He turns back to me, dropping his hands at his sides. "Okay, okay. We won't say anything."

I almost sigh in relief, but I nod instead. "Thanks. We're doing the right thing."

Noah exhales sharply. Desperately. "I hope so," he replies, his voice still thick with uncertainty. "Are you okay, though?"

Is it that obvious? I shake my head, and his eyes melt with worry. "But I will be," I assure him, grabbing my bag straps. "I'm going away for a bit, only a month. Back to my old town. I just need to get away from everything."

The frown on his face fades away, and he nods. "I get it," he says quietly, his arms stiff at his sides like he doesn't know what to do with them. "I'd do the same if I could."

My lips turn into a grim line. "Yeah."

He shifts on his feet. "Just... take care of yourself, okay?" he insists, patting my shoulder like he's an old friend I just bumped into. "I have to get to class, but... I mean it."

"You too." I say as he walks away, the weight in my chest shifting a little.

Not lifting, but at least giving me some room to breathe now. Maybe it will be okay.

I take a deep breath before walking back into class, a few heads turning at me. The teacher just nods at me and continues speaking, thankfully. Once I sit down, at the back like I usually do, I try to listen. Except my thoughts already claim my attention. I want to say goodbye to Sadie. But she probably doesn't even care.

Before I know it, the last bell is going. Everyone scrambles out of class like a disturbed ants nest. Except no one wants to be here in the first place - they certainly wouldn't pick here to stay for most of their lives if they had a choice. Luckily, I do. At least for a month, but it's better than nothing. I make my way down the hall and into the parking lot, which is swarmed with cars and people. My stomach knots.

I hate crowds, but this is different. I don't want to walk home. Although, I'm not entirely sure why. The day has gone by so quickly, and I'm not going to be here for a while. It feels like it wasn't enough time. It's like I said, no one wants to be here, including me - so I'm not quite sure why my body feels anchored to the school grounds.

Just walk, I tell myself. But I already am. Nothing is keeping me here - no one. Not anymore. Cars rev and screech out of the school. My shoes thud hard against the pavement, like my heart against my chest. The shouts and laughter of everyone around me gets louder, until it's no longer there. All I can hear now is the woosh of the steady stream of cars as they go by. Or it sounds like it - my gaze is glued to the speckled concrete pavement.

I didn't see Noah for the rest of the day, I think as I walk. Or Sadie.

Of course I saw Jace, though I'm not sure whether that's a good thing or not. We crossed paths in the hall, and his eyes followed me for as long as the obliviousness of his loud, laughing peers allowed. It wasn't in a mean way, though - not like he used to. His dark eyes were light, less strained, like maybe he was able to get some sleep after all this time.

Maybe Noah told him I wasn't going to spill, I contemplate as I continue walking. Or maybe he's okay because he has Noah. As much as I disapprove of Jace, I want Noah to be happy. If anything does happen between them, I can only hope Jace changes his ways - as cliche as it sounds. I mean, surely he doesn't want to be a bully for the rest of his life. Wouldn't that only make the guilt worse?

I wonder who feels the most guilty out of us. I'd like to say me, but I don't think that'd be true. I feel more despair than anything else. It's like my heart has been broken, and every little shard is stabbing into me at once.

Not far away now, I think, quickening my pace.

Maybe I am the most guilty. Because if I'd have convinced him to stay home, he wouldn't have gone, or if I'd have kissed him back, or even loved him the -

My house comes into view, and so does something else. A car, blue. My brows pull together. Where have I... I stop dead in my tracks. Because I already know. It's Sadie.

Sadie came to say goodbye.