Hate, actually ✔

Chapter 14

a/n: surprise update <3

●●●

"Love is messy. And horrible,
and selfish, and bold. It's not finding
your perfect half. It's the trying,
and reaching, and failing."
- From the movie: The Half of It

●●●

Back in Bora Bora, I called Kai in the restroom of the sunset restaurant.

He seemed pretty preoccupied. Our entire conversation consisted of him giving me distracted answers and me trying to find reasons to like him more than Leonardo.

I can admit it to myself now. I have some sort of feelings for Leonardo, but it's not like I love him. I barely know him.

On the other hand, though, I love Kai. I have for the longest time. When I think about him, I get this warm feeling of familiarity in my chest and it just feels so right to be with him.

The problem with all of this is that I'm spending so much time with Leonardo, and judging from all the relationships I analysed in high school, spending a lot of time with someone you have feelings for will either present you with what you are looking for - or heartbreak.

There's rarely an in-between.

But who am I kidding? For the past couple of weeks, I've unwillingly thought about Leonardo even when he wasn't around me.

Back in highschool, it was so hard for me to like someone. My love life mostly involved Kai, Kai, Kai - even through all of his phases, as sad as that is. Why do I have to be hit with so much confusion when I'm finally with the guy of my dreams?

To make matters worse, a guy with commitment issues, whom I absolutely have no chance with is causing all of this confusion.

Anyway, Bora Bora was the last time I spoke to Kai. I'm waiting for him to make an effort.

As I was lying in bed last night, an epiphany came to me. For the last 18 or so days, I've been calling him first - each time. I get that he could be busy - and he is busy - but so am I.

To top it all off, I'm the one who has the pressure of hiding a relationship from someone I spend all my time with, and yet I can still find time to quickly slip off somewhere private to call him.

I'm not a relationship expert or anything, but I do know that communication and reciprocity are some of the main things that keep relationships going. I'm not getting either of those and it's making me antsy.

Leonardo and I are currently on the plane back to Riversands, New York. It's 2 AM and I haven't been able to get a wink of sleep in the past 6 hours.

I forced Leonardo to watch some movie called Instant Family with me on his laptop and he fell asleep halfway through. He seemed really into it, but he's so accustomed to sleeping at a reasonable hour that he couldn't stay up.

I steal a glance at him. I have a thing for watching him sleep because that's when he looks the most peaceful. So unguarded.

I notice he's taken my blue neck pillow instead of his black one. On our last flight, I complained that my neck pillow was smaller than his, since he'd been the one to buy them in the travel shop.