Pages From His Diary | k.sj.

Twenty Nine

Relief washed over me tenfold when I noticed the lights in my flat were on. I called Hobi on my way and asked if he would be there. There was a tinge of pity in his voice when answering my request. I'm sure I've been the topic of conversation among my friends.

After parking, I got my suitcase out of the trunk and dragged myself toward the steps. To say my thoughts didn't orbit around a certain gentleman who made my heart dive into the pit of my stomach was an understatement. It's now been hours dividing us further, and losing my mind doesn't qualify as an emotion. What have I gotten myself into?

Before I could insert my key in, my door swung open, and the face I saw wasn't what I expected. "It's about time you made it home. I was wondering if I needed to find you." Jungkook smirked as he reached for my bags and carried them inside. I followed behind, noticing I arrived home to company. Hobi was cooking while Taehyung appeared to help him; they didn't even turn to greet me but kept on their task, whatever it involved. Given the bowls and dishes spread on my small kitchen table, I can guess at dinner. "Are we having a party?" I asked, while slipping off my shoes.

"You can say that." Jungkook came back to the living room with all smiles. "We are your friends, River; we want to be here for you."

I need to find another female for this group. "Kookie, I'm-"

"Don't say you're fine because you're not. Now, go take a shower and put on something comfy so we can eat some japchae and watch Marvel." He smiled and flicked my nose. Honestly, I was too tired and too hungry to argue.

When my feet hit the threshold of my room, a long sigh echoed. It was precisely how I left it unless Hobi succeeded at putting my things back the way they were. I snorted, thinking perhaps he didn't have to sleep here at all if he and Mae were at it again. Sadly, I can almost understand him now. Though the situations are entirely different, the concept of not being alone screamed the same. "You can't keep hanging around Hobi and Jungkook. You need a boyfriend. I think they are afraid to move on in their lives because they don't want to leave you behind." Jimin's words are stinging me like a gang of wasps. Seokjin isn't my boyfriend, though I was hoping-I'm delusional, I know.

Slow steps took me into the bathroom of my ensuite. Closing the door behind me, I shed my clothes, piece by piece. I ran the water, and it was a mere second before the heat created steam, inviting me into the warmth. I stepped inside to receive it. The minute the water touched my skin, I found relief once more, but it was short-lived from the pain that followed. The water cascaded down my skin, easily mixed with my tears as I silently expressed the emotions I held captive within.

There were many reasons I cried; most of them reverted to my faults. If only I was a little stronger or held out a little longer. I was too eager, too weak to say no to him. When Miss Choi warned me about him and his family, I should have held my ground then-but I couldn't. Something kept calling me to him. Something kept telling me to aid him. The voice of Mrs. Kim advising me to be the person who listened to him and recently to love him. Who was I to deny a dying woman's request? I can't make Seokjin do anything he doesn't want, but I won't condone this treatment either.

Staying in the shower any longer would probably raise more questions, so I cut it short. Once I got back in my room, I checked my phone for the time and noticed an unread text from the man inhabiting my thoughts, telling me about the time and a place for the funeral. There was no hello to greet or any other wonder of how I'm doing. So, I sent him a reply.

<Thank you, Seokjin. How are you?>

I wondered if he would read it or answer for the matter. I sat down on the bed, phone in hand, with my head hanging low as the water from my damp hair ran down my face and dripped onto my phone. It could have easily mixed with my tears. I waited-one, two, maybe three seconds past. Perhaps more, but counting only seemed to run together. I was about to place my phone on my charger for the evening when I got a reply. My heart stopped, and when it started again, the beat was jagged and cold as his response.

<we will talk soon>

He didn't even answer my question, only acknowledged it. I guess this was as good as it would get. I placed my phone on the charger like I planned and threw on some pajama pants with a long sleeve shirt before towel blotting my hair enough so it wouldn't drip down my clothes. It was only the guys, and I could not care less what they thought of my outfit.

The minute my door opened, I met Taehyung walking over to my half bathroom. Our eyes met, and I attempted to smile with mine, though worry reflected in his. "River," he began but paused. His lips parted to say more, but his gaze said enough.

"Taehyung," I called, lips spreading in a tiny smile. "Are you getting tired of waiting for me?" He lifted a brow while a grin gasped its way to his lips. I bit down on my own, realizing what I had said. "I-I meant-"

The good doctor moved closer to me, so close I could smell the scent of autumn on him-warm peaches with caramel. "I know what you meant, River. Don't worry, Hobi and I just set the dishes out on your table. I hope you didn't mind us moving your vase." He smiled. I nodded and moved out of his space.

Hobi smiled when he saw me and danced his brows. I know what he's hinting at. It made me wonder if I should admit what happened between Seokjin and me, but what's the point in it? Seokjin isn't mine. I shook my head at him and headed towards the table. "Why not?" He asked.

I peered down at Jungkook, whose eyes were wide and staring at the screen before drawing attention back to Hobi. "Because, I-" I exhaled slow and steady, "we are friends, and I don't want to mess a friendship up with a relationship," I explained. It was a stupid explanation, I know, but I would think they could read between the lines.

"He's willing to mess it up for you." Jungkook chimed in. Great, they are both double teaming me. I can't do this right now.

"Not, now." I firmed. Hobi cleared his throat as he moved out of my way and back to the kitchen to get our drinks. I felt Taehyung walking near and extended his hand for me to take a seat. He sat next to me, of course, and I knew Jungkook planned the seating by the smirk on his face. These two are lucky that I'm in mourning.

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