Pages From His Diary | k.sj.

Forty Seven

Seokjin's Perspective

Work was enough to rattle me and keep my mind busy from the incarceration of my guilt and pain. Pain. How humorous this word brought such intensity to my body. Not only mentally, but physically. The word itself is human of its emotion.

As I pace through my grandmother's room, I gritted my teeth, biting back tears. It's almost laughable knowing my eyes are not suffering from a drought. I wish she was here.

When we first learned of her cancer, it terrified me. I disappeared for a few days, hiding from the fear. She refused treatments, and it made me angry. After I got over my selfishness, she explained to me she has lived her life and she will reunite with grandfather soon. My heart shattered. The notion of looking forward to the afterlife to be reunited with your life surpasses all levels of love. It made me realize how much she missed grandfather and if it was death where they would be together again-she was ready for it. Where can I find a love like this?

I brushed my fingers along the untouched bed as a memory of my grandmother surfaced. It made me smile, though another wave of guilt erased the emotion.

"What is your problem?" Mrs. Kim grunted. "Kim Seokjin, I've taught you better." She reprimanded.

I sighed lowly. I didn't want to hear another lecture, but I know it's exactly what I'm going to get. "She's the help, grandmother. I don't have to treat her as if she's special." I snorted, still not understanding why my grandmother has taken to girl the way she has.

"Oh? Isn't she? You don't address Miss Choi as the help. I swear you are your mother in a suit." Mrs. Kim rolled her stare.

"I've known Miss Choi a lot longer than your nurse." I retorted. "Why do you like her so much?" I asked once more, hoping to get a better understanding of her first explanation.

My grandmother smiled at my question. "She reminds me of you."

Ha! That's a joke. She isn't half as accomplished as I am. "Okay, grandmother. Is it time for your medicine?"

My grandmother sighed, "Seokjin," she began, "I have little time on this Earth. Soon, I will be with the love of my life and I will see my family again. I would like to die peacefully knowing my family here, will take care of each other just as I've taken care of you." She stated.

"What does that have to do with River?" I asked. What does this woman have to do with us? She's irrelevant.

"River's mother and father are oceans away, and yet the spirit of a family lives in her. She has no blood relatives here and yet she cares for others just as she would care for her own. I had the privilege of learning what a beautiful soul she is. River has become my family, and she takes care of me, blood relative or not. In that regard, Seokjin, she needs to be taken care of as well. Be nice to her son, she doesn't deserve this cold-shoulder you're giving her." My grandmother whispered.

"It's her job to care for you. She's a nurse." I reminded.

My grandmother sighed again. "I hope she puts a trap on that mouth of yours."

Grandmother was right, she is a beautiful soul. So beautiful that I took advantage and tainted the care she's given me. I don't deserve her, and I can't be around her knowing this. She would never forgive me.

The soft knocking on the door interrupted my thoughts. A presence joined me silently, locking their hand into mine. The touch was as soothing as a maternal touch should be, but there was a coldness netted within it. "I know you miss her. Your father does as well. He spends more time in here than he does with me." The venom of her jealousy created an intensity, tainting the love in my grandmother's room.

"I'm sure that's not true, mother." I sighed.

"Of course, if you give me some grandchildren to spoil, I suppose it could keep me occupied of your distant father." She smirked.

My mother. God, I love her, but she is the most spoiled, entitled woman in all of creation. I would love to believe she married my father for love, but given the brand new Chanel scarf wrapped around her tiny waist, made me wonder otherwise. She loves money, this much is obvious. What better way to keep it in the family is to have us marry well. My sister and her politician aren't enough. I get why my brother worked out of town and so the burden fell on me.

"You need a wife." My mother spat. "Preferably someone who compliments you and your success. Think about your future. Your children. The footprint of our family excels and accepts nothing less." She spoke, head held high. Her feline stare flitted in my direction as her crimson lips curved. "I know you will make me proud, Seokjin."

"Are you not proud already?" I wondered.

"Of course, baby. You exceeded all my expectations. Can you imagine the envy I deal with from the other mothers knowing how much better you are than their offspring? I'm proud beyond measure." She grinned.

At any other moment, it would thrill me to hear how proud my mother is of me, but at the moment, I'm cringing. My success is my success, but she has based her value and worth on me. Am I like this? Do others see me as my mother in a suit? Did River see me this way?

I am very proud of my life at thirty and I look forward to having much more success in later decades. However, it's lonely. All the money in the world couldn't fill the void I created in my heart. I thought I was there, but here I am, craving something to fill it and my desires are taking over.

This overwhelming feeling constantly proving myself and having my life dictated by someone else. I can't do this. I need to numb this. "Sorry mother, I have somewhere I need to be. Give Dad my love." I kissed her on the cheek and exited as quickly as I could.

↣ ♡ ♡ ↢

How are we enjoying Jin's perspective? Want more?

*speechless* I need to write a fic based on this look! Oh wait, I already have one sitting in my drafts 😏

↣ ♡𝒸𝓊𝓅𝒾𝒹♡ ↢