Pages From His Diary | k.sj.

Forty Eight

Seokjin's Perspective

After I left my parents' house, I found myself in a place where I could numb my pain. The number of times I've been here is disappointing to utter, but it's what I need for right now.

She greeted me with scant pieces of fabric covering her breasts and the sin between her legs, wearing a smile that would run the devil from hell. I should not be here, but fuck it. This woman is a catalyst for the vicious cycle I've created. The void of emotion for my pain painted her in the center, and it's what I will live with for now. Until I can end it and say when it's over, but who can be sure when that time will come.

Since I've met River, I've been trying to shut my corrupt desires off. I would ignore my mistress's calls and texts, but then she showed up at my job and I had to draw the line. She was aware of my vulnerability and I've allowed her to take advantage of me. I'm weak, it's obvious, but why cry over spilled milk when there is a fresh carton in the fridge? I was already used to her and used her just as she did me. We knew what we created, but I got too deep and now I'm drenched in regret.

I said little to her as I walked through the door, and I didn't need to. She pulled my coat away from my shoulders, her lips barely brushing mine. She's teasing me, but my emotions aren't budging. My eyes are glued to her, but I pressed my lips in a hard line. I just need to fuck and nothing else.

"You seem tense." She spoke. "I can fix that," she grinned.

Her face disappeared from mine, and the echo of my belt whispered in the surroundings. The grit of the zipper being lowered after my button came undone followed. The moment her lips wrapped around my flesh, my head fell back and I exhaled. This is what I needed.

When we first met, she was married, and I was looking for fun. She claimed her husband didn't love her and he refused to sleep with her. I immediately thought her husband to be stupid, but after sleeping with her for longer than I will admit, I understood the rift in their marriage. She's neurotic and jealous, not to mention selfish and self-righteous. Who wanted to be with a woman this way? I can respect dominance in women-honestly, it's quite a turn on. But this woman-let's just say, I like her better when I'm filling her mouth, but I grew tired of this.

These are my feelings now. Months ago, this wasn't the case.

I fell for her. I didn't expect to, but the more time I spent with her, the more she silenced the loneliness creeping inside of me. When I found out about the illness of my grandmother, I turned to her. She satisfied my needs, and I replaced love with gratitude and created an addiction. This was my life until I met River.

Nurse Lee is never wasn't what I expected-then again, doesn't it always seemed to work that way? There was an immediate attraction to her, though my behavior spoke otherwise. In a sea of the same faces, she was different, and it drew me to the unknown.

I didn't want to feel anything for her. Other distractions were going on in my life and there wasn't any room for another. However, I remained curious about the exotic beauty. Seeing the way my grandmother took to her, the gleam in her eye when she spoke of River, I wanted to know why she felt this way. I wanted to know River.

Another curiosity struck me. River seemed close to my mistress's ex-husband. What a small fucking world. The way he looked at her struck a chord in me. He is handsome and I could see the appeal. Sunhee spoke ill of her ex, but River seemed delighted in him and so did my grandmother. My grandmother meant the world to me and has been an admirable judge of character. Even dealing with him regarding my late family member, he was pleasant and helpful. I had to wonder if Sunhee fed me lies in exchange for pity.

Perhaps there was more to the doctor and the woman intriguing me. I was inquisitive, so I asked, but she wouldn't tell me. This led me to believe she belonged to him, and I didn't like it.

I wanted her. I wanted her to notice me and to charm her so I could unravel her mystery.

The opportunity presented itself for me to explore interest, and I took advantage. I did something with River I've never done with anyone, not even my friends. I shared my secrets with her. She didn't judge me; she pitied and prayed for me. How much more did I need to see that River was the one I've been waiting for? She was the one who showed me a different way, and I didn't need the lust of a woman who cared for nothing other than how many times I made her come.

My need for Sunhee was null, and I gave her up, which told me the addiction I developed wasn't as strong as I initially believed. After the kiss I shared with River, I no longer wanted to do anything with Sunhee, but she kept pushing. River wasn't the only factor turning me away from the woman of my affair. The fact of my grandmother was in the best care of her ex-husband was enough to cease this toxicity.

This man didn't deserve what I did to him. I was selfish and I admit this, but once they were no longer married, she was fair game. However, she was only good for a hot moment.

The muscles in my thighs tightened as she worked her tiny mouth around my length. She won't stop until she swallowed. My behavior should embarrass me, but it doesn't. Perhaps remorse, but it doesn't scratch the surface. I came over here to fill a need and I'm about there.

Heavy grunts echoed as I reached back for something to hold on to. Darkness consumed my sight briefly until a face appeared. A toffee-skinned, soft-featured face with chestnut-colored eyes. Eyes smiling at me. Visions of my skin next to hers, touching and kissing her, sent a storm of chills jolting me. I imagined River pleasing me as I whispered her name in my thoughts before my release. As I caught my breath, I was holding her, gazing into her eyes and seeing the reflection of an emotion I couldn't speak aloud because I am a fucking coward.

"Still tense?" Sunhee mumbled as she stood up. I opened my eyes to see her licking her lips before coming closer to me. She leaned in for a kiss, but I turned away. My lips no longer belonged to her, just like my heart. Though I wonder if they ever did.

"No," I answered, harsh and firm. I eased away from her and gathered myself. She rested her hand on my pants as I pulled them up.

"Shouldn't you be leaving them off?" She asked and scoffed. I guess she got the hint.

"Not tonight Sunhee." I groaned.

She huffed in frustration, but I didn't care. I got what I wanted and now I can leave. There was no need for me to stick around. "You haven't fucked me for weeks. Who is she? Who is the bitch you keep leaving me for?" She exclaimed before smirking. "I doubt she meant anything to you to begin with." Sunhee added.

Hot, searing anger coursed through me as I approached this excuse of a woman. "Don't you ever talk about her like that. You don't even fucking know her." I gritted. I reached for my coat, ready to leave.

"You think you can get rid of me? You'll be back as always. It kills you to resist me, so stop denying it." She sauntered closer, "that poor girl is stupid for falling for you. Foolish woman doesn't realize when you're nothing but a big dick, backed with emotional baggage." Sunhee muttered.

I glared at her, smirking at her irrational belief. "You can't seem to get enough of it though, hm? It's pathetic the way you beg." I approached the door and lifted my hand to the knob before turning back to her. "You're not even half the woman she is, Sunhee. You're just a mercy fuck." I reminded her as I left, promising myself not to return.

The time had come.

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Yes, you were right but I couldn't let you know so easily. 😏

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