Un-Kingly Rule

Chapter 9: The Broken One

I had to stop writing yesterday. I had to. I admitted already to not telling you half of the full story for any of these girls because I know one hundred percent how much worse I was. The truth is I never cared about anyone enough that I wanted them to stay. I never cared enough about anyone to just leave them alone. That would have been the nicest thing I could do for any of these girls.

Leave them alone.

When I did care, when I finally did fall in love and was happy...I didn't realize it because I was so use to being the asshole that being anything else was alien to me. I sabotaged every relationship I've ever been in and that's the fucking truth. I can sit here and say Lilith was a wild child and my servant. It would have never lasted. I can say that Marie wasn't capable of ruling next to me. Speaking of Marie, I did say her story wasn't over.

You no doubt noticed throughout my tale that Marie would pop up in other chapters, other moments in my life. Well, Marie did pop up one more time after I saw her last.

We hadn't spoken in maybe three years and hadn't seen each other for five of them. She texted me, asking how I was. I answered. She told me how she was sorry for just disappearing from my life and that she had to. She had to because every boyfriend she has had, every guy she has met, every single man that enters her life...I am the standard to which they are compared. She told me how her and I could never be just friends because of that deep rooted need for me that she has. I told her about Sasha. How I wasn't that guy anymore. That her and I could be friends. I wouldn't do anything to lose Sasha. Marie asked if I could forgive her for disappearing and I told her simply—

"If you want to be my friend all you have to do is look for me. Not out of convenience, but because you want to talk and maybe see each other" she agreed that she would do better on those terms. We would be friends. Like I said before though...life seldom goes the way we think it will.

I did eventually meet up with Marie (we went to the gym and no we didn't fall back into old habits...perverts.) We spent a few hours together, we made small talk and laughed. Then she left. This is why I cut her out my life this time. For all of her talk about wanting to be my friend now. For all of her talk about doing better at reaching out and being present...those were all lies. See, because Marie is in a relationship and her boyfriend doesn't like her hanging out with guys, she would have to lie just to see me. I cut her out because it is probably the kindest thing, I can do for her at this point. She can never just be my friend, her own words. If you have to lie to see someone, they can never be just a friend. They're not. So, Marie and I are again not speaking. Who knows if her and I will ever talk again or see each other? Her story remains incomplete.

Every girl I have pursued. Every conquest. Every string that I pulled...heh, I would go back and kick the shit out of me.

I've lied. I've cheated. I've manipulated. I broke hearts and I apparently am the fucking standard for every guy after me for Marie. I've never thought about my life in terms of right and wrong—good or bad. I've simply just done things, been a little bastard just because I could. Just because I wanted to. The really fucked up part is that I'm not even sorry. I'm not regretful. Not really anyway. Not for most of it. Sasha told me that our story isn't over. She said maybe one day when the timing is better, when life is smooth, when we are both situated...maybe we could try again. I would love to believe that is true because of every girl I have ever been with. Of every girl I have ever cared for, whether minuscule or massively...she's the girl that I was most open with. The most...human.

So, here's where I tell you what it is I've learned by writing this. The wisdom that I was able to extract from Sebastian the devil. I will probably never find someone who is capable of putting up with me for longer than a few years at most. I sabotage everything in my life because I am use to chaos and suffering and anything else is alien. Remember?

Not a day goes by that I don't think what if I had gone to see Lilith when she needed me? What if I treated Marie like something more than a puppet? What if I had just let Julie win? Would I have never met Lena, and by extension, would my relationship with Kate have survived? Or...what if I had just closed the door and left it shut when Lena came back? Would I have gone to the same college and met Hayley, Charlie and Sasha? Would I even be here writing this? Would I even care that for the first time in my life I realize I am absolutely alone because I always stand in my own way and ruin everything that I touch?

I don't know the answer to any of those questions. I do know though that I will probably end up alone, and I'll deserve it. I used to joke with Damien and then later Alfred that I would be the only one in any friend group that wouldn't have kids or a wife. No pets. No family. Because I have the bad habit of pushing everyone away. I know I do this. I know when I'm doing it. And sometimes I can control myself and tell myself to stop doing it. Other times...I just wish someone would push back and fight to stay. That's my own fault though. I can be pretty persuasive. 

Maybe Sasha will come back and we'll live happily ever after. Or Marie will end up being the final chapter. The truth though is that I'll probably ruin that too. I am incapable of ever just being happy. Being in this moment. Being normal.

Hate is such a strong word and life is far too short to not love someone with your whole heart. I love Sasha. Whole heartedly. I am angry and bitter that she bailed on me. I mean, I have been the asshole my whole life and most of those girls stuck around for much longer. The one time I was open, and let someone see just how broken I am...it scared them away.

In the end, there is nothing remotely special about me. I can't paint a beautiful portrait. I can't write a heartbreaking ballad or play an electrifying solo. In Sasha's words; "You're sarcastic, too smart for your own good, and can be an asshole" Which is as true today as it was in 2005. I'm complicated and I have issues. I'm different, and the people in my life that stuck around will probably one day leave too.

I wanted so desperately to be a King that I discarded every shred of human decency I had. I turned myself into an outcast. I turned myself into an asshole. Maybe I saw too much as a kid. Maybe I went through too much too soon. Maybe those are just excuses, or maybe those are the driving factors in what ultimately was my downfall.

I learned that I was capable of loving someone more than I hated myself. I ended up learning to love someone else. I learned to love myself despite everything that is wrong with me. I learned that Sebastian is the bad guy and I'm the good one. I also learned that the good me is always too early or too late. Every girl that has been with this me has always said the same thing. Maybe if the timing was different. Maybe if we met in different periods in our lives. Little do they know that a different time period of me would probably break them for fun and toss them aside. 

No, the timing isn't wrong. I'm not too early or too late. I'm just being punished by God, or the universe, or maybe even myself, for all the nasty things I did. Sebastian or not, I'm the one who did those things and karma caught up to me. Sasha won't come back because she'll realize what Charlie and Haley realized. I am a poison. I infect those around me and I bring ruin to them. Charlie and Hayley are far happier without me in their lives...Sasha will be too. 

My sister makes this joke about me that my purpose in life has always been to make others happy. In some twisted way, I guess that's true. My victims felt loved, and wanted, and grew from the experience of me poisoning their minds and lives. Now most, if not all, of them are happy. Married. Have children. Maybe they look back and think "Why was I so obsessed with him?" when they remember me and appreciate the man they have now even more because he isn't me. Perhaps my sister meant that my purpose is to make others happy by leaving them the hell alone. 

Yeah, maybe that's a more fitting role for me.

After all I've done to the people in my life. Everything I put them through and the hearts that I've ripped to shreds...they're off living their lives now. Happy. In love. Free of me. And it turned out that after all the girls, all the bullshit, all the sleepless nights and trying to die to escape who I am. It turns out that as damaged as they were, as lost as they were, as fucked up as they were...

I'm the Broken one.