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- dodie.

slight trigger warning:
this chapter tackles about mental health and suicidal thoughts

•

i know i rarely write my feelings down this book. i just feel like all the things i think of are nonsense but fuck it,

i want to talk about dodie and how her music impacted me so much until today.

if you don't know who she is, dodie clark (or doddleoddle) is a singer/songwriter from the UK who has made covers since 2014.

back in 2017 (when i had my phan phase), i discovered dodie through random youtube recommendations and i fell in love with her ever since i saw her.

i've continued supporting her until today by watching all her videos on youtube and streaming her music on all platforms nonstop.

lately, i've been feeling completely lost about everything. i had a rough argument with my parents when they found out that i've been dealing issues with my mental health.

i don't blame them, but they just never believed that medications and therapy would help me at all because i haven't gone through what they have gone through as a child. it's a really long and messed up story so i couldn't really explain what the feeling was like.

so i've been distracting myself nonstop, trying to believe that how i feel or what i think isn't real; to the point that i couldn't trust everybody, not even myself.

all that's in my head are hurtful memories about the past and questions that need answers. i just wish i was normal, because i don't think i am anymore. i wish i could feel giddy again without thinking about wishing i could kill myself after.

a psychiatrist told me that if i'm going to try and help myself, i have to start taking medications and take frequent visits to a therapist since i had to work on my self-esteem. when my parents found out about it, they kept on questioning why since i had accomplished a lot of opportunities during lockdown.

okay, i'm getting a bit off topic.

anyways, so i spent my days listening to my playlists all day while doing household chores, sleeping, studying, eating; i just had no other option to distract myself from my feelings anymore. i can't even open up to anybody anymore.

i decided to listen to dodie's complete discography after months of not keeping up with her music that much. 

and i listened to "guiltless" which i always thought was a very lovely song with meaningful lyrics.

but listening to it again—it just hit me. the song made so much to sense to me now. especially her old songs, i've realised i've experienced these thoughts and feelings before. no wonder i was so hooked to her songs so much.

oh man, especially the last part from guiltless. there's this part where she sings in a choir with different tunes and different lyrics which hits home for me.

(last part that i was referring to is around 2:28)

it just surprises me that dodie just made music that sounds so beautiful yet so painful and true. it makes me realise how much she has gone through and how she has improved lately, from her mental health to the way she writes her music.

her songs (the new ones in particular) make me feel how she feels. like i'm emotionally connected to her music. it's like she gets me and i get her.

i know that i'm not the only one that feels that way but it just sometimes amazes me that other songs that i listen to make me feel comfortable but personally seen at the same time; or albums with songs that are sorted to their story plot that sounds like my life, it's such an odd feeling. at least i'm the main character of my life anyway-

i honestly can't wait to hear dodie's album this may (which is also near my birthday). i can already expect myself crying over another album release just like what happened to robbie's sleepyhead release. i already see myself feeling personally attacked while being delicately murdered by the sounds of the orchestra.

maybe she's the only reason why i'm still here and why i'm still alive.

well, one of the reasons.

made: 03/27/21 , 10:10 pm