monitor; | spam/miscellaneous

- empty.

so far, a lot of things are currently happening to my life right now and most of them are pretty exciting. i have been studying quite a lot for an exam lately, i'm about to travel on a few places here in the philippines soon, and i'm starting to write a few more songs. i'm happy with what i'm doing right now unlike before.

although, something is missing. i feel as if i'm lost, i don't know where to go. i don't know where my opportunities are taking me and i'm scared about it, i feel like i'm going too far.

after taking my examinations, my mom had been thinking that she might put me back to homeschooling since most schools here don't even teach us well. i understand why and i agree with it, but i don't want to stay home again.

being alone for a while is alright with me, but not interacting or socializing with random people in person for one whole year makes me feel pretty isolated and constantly alone.

yes, i know that you can talk to friends via text or video call etc., but it's still not the same.

and honestly when it comes to texting and video calling, i get very nervous and disturbed since my phone drains pretty quickly. most of the time, i'd hug them tightly (bc ya' gal's loneliness heals with a bit of intimacy).

at the moment, i miss my friends deeply. sometimes, i start to think that maybe they aren't my friends at all and i'm all alone this whole time. this issue's been bugging me for the past couple of weeks and it's frightening me.

i always try to tell myself that i'm not alone, that i need to accept the fact that i need to move further away from friends and such; but it's hard. and i'm scared of what the future's giving me.

i don't know if i should just go with the flow and say yes to everything or do what i want.

edit: okay fuck this, i actually need help

made: 02.05.20