Chasing you | ✓

Chapter 45 - The trigger

When Jack finished speaking he sunk down onto his bed. The old mattress springs squeaked before leaving the room in a ringing silence, like an empty cave after the echoes of your voice had died down. 

His chest was still, solid. His eyes were distant as he stared into nothing. He looked like a statue, solidified from pain, and his lips were chapped from speaking. 

I didn't get it before. But I understood now. Jack held the same kind of regret and guilt as I did about what happened. We both felt responsible for what happened to him in our own ways.

I gently sat next to him and placed a palm on his chest, right over his heart. 

"I know you feel guilty," I said. "But it's not your fault that Cade is dead."

He winced like I had physically hurt him, pulling away from my touch. 

"It feels like it is," he objected, not looking at me. "That's why I didn't want to talk about him, or remember him, because then I'd have to remember that it was all my fault. Because I knew you'd hate me once you found out the truth."

"You think I hate you?"

His eyes tentatively met mine. "Maybe you should."

"I don't hate you and I could never. There's only one person responsible for Cade's death and it's not you. It's the drunk driver who killed him. Everything else that happened... that's just life."

"Do you really believe that?"

"I didn't use to," I confessed. I straightened my back, trying to find the right words. "I was also consumed by guilt for a long time."

Jack's eyes snapped up to mine. "Why?"

I shrugged.

"He was hit outside my house, remember? He wouldn't have been there if I had walked home alone. For the longest time, I felt responsible. It didn't matter what anyone said—I didn't believe them."

Jack grew pensive, his eyebrows slowly pulling together. 

"What changed?"

I mulled the question over. I honestly had no straight answer, because I hadn't noticed it happen. One day it had just... lessened. 

"I think it started to disappear when I met you." 

I smiled when Jack's eyes widened.

"I didn't really notice it happen," I continued. "It was a gradual thing. But I think meeting you was the trigger, because it made me realize that this whole thing—with Cade, the world, or whatever—was so much bigger than what I could see. That the events of that night were so much bigger than just me. There was no way I could've been able to control what happened."

"I wish I could see it that way," Jack muttered.

"Maybe you will, when you're ready."

"Maybe. But... it's hard for me to see it that way. I always knew you were you. You're the one who didn't know about me. You thought I was Cade. Your worldview shifted because you had to realize I wasn't."

As I mulled over his words, I realized that another thing hadn't changed.

"Do you still think I only want you because of Cade?" 

Jack shut his eyes, as if he couldn't bear to look at me. He must have still been able to feel my eyes on him, because he turned his head away. 

"I can't help it," he admitted. "He's the reason you started liking me. Sometimes I wonder if you ever would have seen me if I hadn't looked like him." 

I didn't answer at first. I couldn't. There was no way for me to know how things would have gone if everything had been different. All we had was how things actually were. Spinning theories could make your mind wander but it wouldn't change anything. It would never give you answers, only more questions.

I grabbed his hands in mine and held them tight. 

"Maybe I can't do or say anything to make you change your mind about that. But there is one thing I know for sure." 

When I released my breath, the words tumbled out of me in a hurry. 

"I don't care if the drunk driver who killed Cade has seven kids or is a priest, or if he's even the goddamn pope himself, okay? He is still the person responsible—the only person responsible—for Cade being dead. Not us. He's the one who deserves to be punished. He's the one who should pay for what happened. You and I haven't done anything wrong."

I paused, taking in the sweet way Jack's bangs hung across his forehead. His beautiful, incredible face that caused so much confusion between us. 

"You and I have already suffered enough. Alright?"

Jack let go of one of my hands and graced the curve of my cheek with his fingers. His lips fell apart as if he was about to respond. But he seemed to think better of it and pressed his lips together. 

After a stretch of silence, a frown etched onto his face.

"The drunk driver was a priest?"

I snorted. "No, I don't know. But you get my point."

Jack hummed. 

"I just know what Grant told me," I mused. "And I didn't exactly memorize the details. Do you think I should have?"

"You do you, I guess." He shrugged one of this shoulders. "But me? I think I want to know more about it someday. If the killer has a face, I might be able to let go of some of the guilt. I think I will want to read every single word of the verdict when they convict him."

His eyes suddenly met mine and widened in horror. 

"They will get him, won't they? He won't get off on a technicality or something?"

I tried not to let his words bother me. I tried to remember exactly what Grant had said, that the man himself had confessed and was in custody right now awaiting trial. I didn't know much about law, but that seemed like a solid case to me. Unless, somehow, the man retracted his statement or brought in lawyers who could poke holes in the surveillance photos from the gas station. It wouldn't be the first time someone got off on a technicality, would it?

Despite my thoughts suddenly going haywire, I gave Jack's hand a comforting squeeze.

"Don't worry. I think that only happens in movies."

Jack smiled. "Yeah. You're right."

He rested his head against my shoulder, eager to believe whatever I told him. 

I ignored the gnawing feeling in the back of my head and made a mental note to ask Grant about that when I got back home. 

I put my arm around Jack and pulled him closer. My worries could wait a little while. Jack was the one who needed to be comforted right now.

~ ~ ~

A/N

It's been a while, but I hope you're excited to read the final 10 chapters of this story. Bless your patience, your excitability and your support. It means the world to me.

Nine chapters to go!!

—xoxo, linnea