It's a feeling

~ we're okay ~

I stared at the scars on my thigh with a blank expression.

"I think we should be together, boyfriend and girlfriend, because I care about you Bella, I want to help you. I want to be there for you and I want to eventually love you."

My fingers trailed the bleeding cuts, blood smearing in no real pattern. He shouldn't care for me. He doesn't deserve this. What comes with that. Caring for me. I don't deserve him. We should break up. That's a good plan. Then no one will get hurt? Right? Right. That's a good plan.

"Arabella?" Anthony knocks on the bathroom door, "Some of us have small bladders. Let a man pee."

I just ignored him. I couldn't think straight. Love me? He wants to love me? Why? Why would anyone?

"Bella I really need to pee." Tony insisted.

I cleared my throat, "Go outside" I snapped, wiping the blood from my thighs with a black washrag.

"Gibbs will you talk to your assassin girlfriend, I need to pee." He shouted out. I pulled up my jeans and buttoned them. I wash my hands quickly, sticking my pocket knife in my back pocket. Tossing the washrag in the tub, I open the door slowly and splash my still wet hands at Anthony, "You. Are. Obnoxious." I comment, punching him in the stomach.

I need coffee.

Jethro looked up the second I walked into the kitchen, "Hey." He murmured, motioning to the mug of steaming coffee, "Figured you'd need that. I woke up last night and you weren't though and you never came back so I doubt you slept any good." A question was in his voice, begging me to tell him why I left but I ignored it, settling for a simple 'thank you'.

I could feel his worried eyes on me but I ignored him. I felt that if I opened my mouth I would say something I would later regret. I wasn't sure if that was me admitting I just hurt myself as a way to see if I could still feel anything and was capable of loving Jethro back or that I wanted to break up. Mostly because I didn't feel the blade cut across my skin.

"Any word from the director?" I question, rinsing out my coffee mug.

Jethro sighs, "No. He does want us to come into work today..." I ignored the sound of his chair scraping against the floor. I shivered and my eyes fluttered shut when he pulled my hair to the right side of my neck and laid a lingering kiss on my shoulder. His hands gripped my waist, "What's wrong?"

I shake my head, "Nothing. Don't worry about it."

"I'm your boyfriend, I think it's in my job description to worry about you." He murmured against my skin, not moving away when footsteps sounding coming towards the kitchen.

"Yo is someone on there period!" Anthony snaps, "I thought you guys had tampons or some shit, not washcloths." He joked.

I was careful not to tense at his words but Jethro noticed something anyway. "Sorry Dinozzo, I cut myself shaving yesterday." He muttered, pulling me out of the kitchen without waiting for a response. I tried my best to get out of his grip but he didn't let go of my wrist as he pulled me up the stairs to the attic.

"Jethro-"

"Sit."

I shake my head, "J-"

"Sit down."

I struggle to remove my hand from his grasp.

"Sit in the chair Arabella."

We make eye contact and I freeze my movements. He slides his hand from my wrist and grips my hand gently in his, "Please Belle..." I let him push me into my chair.

"Where?" He crouches down in front of me with worried eyes. His hands trail down my sides, "Come on, talk to me." I just stared. Why did he care so much? Was this what boyfriends were like? Was this him showing he cared? Did people actually do that?

My hands reach forward on their own accord, cupping his face. "I'm sorry..." I whisper out. I didn't know what the feeling was called. The one I felt right now. The one that made me what to either cry or hurt myself more for hurting him. For making him this worried. This scared. This concerned. "Oh god I'm sorry." I was shaking, unsure what to do. Scared. Scared to lose him.

"Hey, HEY, look at me..." His grabs my hands, holding them tightly, "We're okay. Okay? We are okay. Don't worry about that. Let me worry about you. Where did you hurt yourself Bella?" His blue eyes were intense, his hands heavy on my thighs when he let go of my hands.

My eyes fell from his to his hands and he got the message, "Oh darling... Do you want me to clean them up, make sure you didn't really hurt yourself or do you want Bishop?" He was running his hands up and down my legs, a way to keep me calm and grounded. Out of my thoughts.

"You." I nod, "Please." I add.

Jethro smiles at me, "Okay... lets get these jeans off you yeah?"

I nod blankly. I didn't comprehend much of what happened after that. I know he kept talking but I didn't pay attention. The next thing I knew I was in an SUV on our way to work.

It was like I was just dropped into my body in that moment. I cursed myself for not paying better attention. I was a trained assassin for fucks sake and I couldn't even stay focused enough to let my... boyfriend clean the cuts I gave my self. God I'm so useless.

"Vance called last night..." Jethro started, turning on his turn signal.

I nod, piercing my lips, "Oh really? What did he want?" My eyes trailed down to the clock. 7:38am. The sun was still rising and I payed more attention to the sun rising than I did to Jethro's words. I didn't really care what my father had to say.

"He said he got an email from the-" My eyes caught the dark green of the truck before it slammed into the SUV, cutting off Jethro with a loud metal clank. My stomach clenched and my head slammed harshly into the seat as the SUV crumbled in on itself. I could hear everything. The sound of the windshield shattering. Ellie screaming in the backseat. Footsteps. I could feel blood dripping down my face but was unsure if it even belonged to me.

My eye sight was blurry as I tried to take in my surroundings. We were right side up but the car hand tumbled and rolled and we were in a field to the right of the road. Harsh breathing could be heard but it wasn't me. I was calm. This wasn't my first car accident. But this was the first one I was in that I ever cared about the people around me. Cared if they were okay.

I scrambled to get my seatbelt unbuckled, my fingers shaking. I could hear the footsteps growing closer and my gut told me it wasn't anyone coming to help. I pulled the knife out of Jethro's front pocket, ignoring the feeling of seeing him passed out, head smashed against the wheel, his side of the car smashed in. I cut my seat belt off of me and tumbled out of the car with shaky legs. I landed on my knees.

Staring at the ground and listening to the footsteps I took in a big breath, channeling my training. If I didn't get it together people I hoped were alive would be dead. I pull out my gun well I stand from the ground.

"You know, if I didn't know any better I'd say you just tried to kill me." I mutter, turning around. My eyes grow wide at the sight of Veronica.

She chuckles, "You wish. I was sent to kill you Ari do you know what that means?" She questions. I raise an eyebrow at her, "I came to save your ass. We need to get out of here. I'll get blondie you get your mans with the nice dick, I already forced the other car to continue to the building." I didn't move, "Come on bestie let's go!" she urges.

I nod following her to the car. I open the drivers side door, my breath catching in my throat at the sight of Jethro, "Oh god.." I whisper, feeling for a pulse. It was faint but it was there. I closed my eyes for a second. He was okay. It was okay. I pull his body up, wrapping his arm around my shoulder to help even out his weight on my as I drag him towards Roni's SUV.