It's a feeling

~ due to my negligence ~

Director Vance stared blankly at me. I ignored his persistent stare and instead poured myself some liquor, earning a disapproving look from the nurse. Okay so we were in a hospital but hey, my 'boyfriend' was in the bed five feet away from me and he had almost died. Give me a break. 

"You almost got the majority of my agents killed." Vance finally spoke up the second the nurse started to exit the white room. I rolled my eyes in annoyance but didn't respond until the door clicked shut.

"Oh god Leon I'm so sorry. Next time when someone is trying to kill me and everyone I care about, I'll be more considerate when trying to keep them safe." I didn't even look at him. Instead I downed the alcohol as I watched Ellie hug Tony. Everyone was fine and awake except for Jethro and it was stressing me out.

He should be awake.

Leon growled in annoyance and pulled the alcohol from my hands. "I would just appreciate a little less carelessness Arabella." his words were easily ignored as I glared at him. My eyes trailed towards Jethro's body. I focused on his breathing, scared he would stop. Anger coursed through my veins and I forced myself not to react.

The room stayed silent for a long moment, my hands were shaking. This wasn't supposed to happen.

I could feel Vance's heavy gaze on my face but I didn't take my eyes off of Jethro's, "I'm sorry. I am over-reacting..." he trailed off, eyes studying my micro expressions. I ignored his stare and shifted my attention towards my iPhone.

We didn't mean to hurt your friends. the text read. But we will if you don't turn yourself in.

I rolled my eyes at the text, shoving my phone back into my pocket.

"I have to go." I muttered towards Leon. He raised an eyebrow in question. I shrugged. "If im so careless then it would be my job to not be, correct?" Vance nodded, confusion wafting off of him in waves. "Then I'm going to do the responsible thing and leaving." I state, ignoring the twitch in my chest and my fathers face falling.

Leon shakes his head, "No. Nope. That is nowhere near what I meant." his words were clipped as he motioned towards Jethro "Besides, he won't let you leave." he claimed, eyes wide in refusal.

I shrugged, "Good thing he won't have a say." I run a hand through Jethro's hair but remove it quick, as if it hurt me. Which in a way it had. I had grown attatched knowing it would be dangerous and Vance was right, I was being careless. I was risking innocent life's. It wasn't fair.

"Arabella, you can't just leave-" Ellie mutters, her brows furrowing, her hand laying on my shoulder. I shrug her off.

"Bella, it's not your job to keep us safe, if we can't do that ourselves we are sad excuses for agents," Anthony claims. His hands were stuffed in his pockets and he kept close to Ellie, he looked exhausted. They all did. And it was my fault.

I roll my eyes, but don't comment, watching Jethro breathe in and out, it calmed me to know he was alive, "If I have a chance to risk it, to hurt any of you, then I have a chance to leave and avoid that outcome. Leaving is the best idea, it'll keep everyone safe."

Vance opens his mouth to say something but was cut off by a knock. Roni smiled at everyone, but her face grew serious when her eyes met mine, "We need to talk Bella." She murmured. I nod, staring at Jethro for a moment longer before exiting the room.

I shut the door softly behind me, hands clasping as I stare at Roni, "You need to keep moving or the fight will be brought here. That's decision is up to you, but you need to make it now." Roni crossed her arms raising an eyebrow.

I sigh, "I- I can't let them get hurt due to my negligence."

Roni nods, "Alright. But when daddy dearest comes to find you with daddy dick, everything will be for nothing." Roni was trying to lighten the mood, but I didn't appreciate it.

"Then we leave now. Leave everything. There's an SUV in the front parking lot, hot wire it and I'll meet you out there. Smash your phone, McGee has that information by now." I didn't let Roni speak. She didn't respond but walked to go do what I asked of her. I flipped on my heel and went back into the hospital room.

"I need a minute." It made me uncomfortable when they all laid their hand on my shoulder as they exited the white room. It was strange that they cared and so incredibly dangerous.

When the door shut behind Ellie, I reached out and grasped Jethro's hand, "I uhm- I care for you." It was silent for a moment and I wished just for a millisecond that'd he'd wake up and tell me not to leave. But knowing he was the only one able to make me stay didn't mean I was going to stay. "I have to go. Away." Another beat of silence, "For awhile. Forever. I don't quite know. I won't be here when you wake up. I'm sorry." I stayed for a couple more minutes, just watching him breathe.

I didn't want to leave him. But he was in that bed because of me and I couldn't let that happen to anyone else.

Two months later

I tapped my fingers across the bars counter, the stool uncomfortably as fuck. The bar was cold. I was freezing. I heard the front door open, loud boisterous laughter swam throughout the new crowd. I paid no mind to the men in the front, my eyes searching for a familiar face. Ducky's face. When I caught his eye the older man smiled at me, taking off his hat.

I stood to great the doctor, kissing him in the cheek, "Ducky, I've missed you." I announce, wrapping my arms around him tightly.

He chuckled, "I've missed you as well Arabella. All this sneaking around reminds me of-"

"I'm sorry Ducky I just- how is he? Abby's been sending me emails and they are starting to worry me and I-"

Ducky ushered her into the uncomfortable stool, "Sit sit sit. Jethro is okay. He's all healed up and back to work, that man is not one to be slowed down by semi-truck."

I shook my head, "He should be at home resting."

"I've tried telling him that." The doctor claims, shaking his head lightly, "It's like trying to convince a dog it's not allowed on the furniture, he won't listen to any of us. Except Abigail of course."

"Has he been to the doctor since he got out."

Ducky shook his head, "Of course not. He seems to be getting around all right."

"I thought doctors didn't prognosticate."

Mallard nodded, "Nor do we assume but its hard to try putting a stethoscope to Jethro's heart when he's searching the entire state for you."

I let out a sigh, leaning back in my stool. "He needs to stop. Even Roni and I had to split to stay hidden better. They are watching him to find me, they know if anyone can it's Jethro and his team."

Ducky places his hand over mine, "He's surrounded by us but he's all alone right now Arabella. He's not going to give up until he finds you, Jethro has already lost so much. He'll be listed until he finds you again."

I flick my eyes to the drinks above the bar, studying their names to occupy my racing mind, "He can't find me."

"I already have."