billie || billie eilish

6

Landon Orion

Billie didn't want to work on the film that Saturday, although we had only worked on a vision board, because she had convinced me that it meant it was our day off. 

She pulled me through the forest that afternoon, boots smacking mud up into the foggy air. "What are we doing here?" I asked her. My Vans were mud crusted, my jeans stained green. "Billie?" 

Her closed palm was sweaty against my pulsating wrist. I nibbled my lip. There was a part of me that wanted to rip my hand away—I couldn't stand the feeling of her skin against mine without wanting her to never let go of me. I needed to resist before I became addicted to the feeling of her. 

Billie stuffed me into the tree house with her totebag. Then she climbed in behind me, closing the door. She switched on the fairy lights. 

Billie sat down in front of me. I wrapped my arms around my body, tucking myself deeper into the beanbag that had fast become my refuge. "What are we doing here?" 

"I know you said that we weren't friends," she began saying, unpacking her totebag. A discoloured Twilight lunchbox with stroop waffles wrapped in cling film and a bunch of red grapes inside. I broke a few grapes off the branch when she offered. 

She touched a crimson grape to her pendulous lips, suckling the translucent flesh. Oh, God. I turned away, face burning. "But, I'm having a party and you're kind of invited. Yay!" 

A party? I couldn't go to a party. Not a a party with real people and dancing and socialising. 

I was Landon Orion—the girl who drank tea by herself at the back of cafés. I promised I wasn't going to make any new friends at Bluebell High—not after what happened with Grace. 

I wasn't crying but my eyes were wet and everytime I closed them they burned. Billie sat beside me on the beanbag, patting at my tears. 

"What's the matter?" she said, leaning into me. The smooth skin of her slight shoulder caressing my naked collar bone. I nibbled my abused lip. 

"You don't have to go if you don't want to," she said, "I mean... I just thought that maybe it would be fun to forget about school for awhile... I'm sorry." 

I turned away from her, embarrassed. Why was she doing this to me? One moment I wanted to stay as far way from her as I could and the next...

"I-I'm only having a few friends over," she reassured, the watermelon bubblegum on her breath reminding me of my childhood. Long, boring afternoons in the backyard with Grace, pulling at the tall grass and talking about nothing in our mother tongue. "There's a full moon tonight—we're going to watch the stars." 

I imagined laying in the muddy forest on the decaying leaves, staring up into the potent midnight, stargazing. Grace envied the stars, said that she wanted to become an astronomer and study constellations. She'd never get to gaze at a sky of stars ever again. "I don't know," I said. "I just..." 

I wiped my damp eyes. I was over it. I wasn't going to hurt about it anymore. Grace was gone and I needed accept it. "No, I'm okay. I just need a minute. It's okay—the party I mean. I'll go."