billie || billie eilish

15

I don't see it until it falls out of my goldfish book, bounces lightly against my muddy Vans, and slides across the floor.
Billie's disappeared. But, still, I feel insecure reading the note. "Meet me in the forest when you get this," I read softly to myself. Blood rushes to my face. I'm scared and freaked out, but intrigued and seduced by the romance of it all.
"What's that?" Billie's sipping a latte, creating sweater paws with my hoody to bare the heat of the cup in her hands.
I stuff the paper into my jeans, shaking my head. "I have to go," I say, pushing past her. "We can work on the project later."
She's not having it, but I don't care. Yes, my heart hammers in my chest and my hands are shaking and I can't breathe, but I don't care.
She grabs my wrist. "I like you," she says. "You know that right? We're friends."
No, I don't know that. I don't know what anything is anymore. So, I just walk away from her. Leaving her, pretty and blue, in a place where she couldn't stand to be alone. In a place where she didn't fit as well as she let on.
I find Shay in a tree, a ways away from Billie's treehouse. He smiles at me from above, all goofy and fresh-faced. Like he wasn't at Billie's party. Like magic.
He helps me up and we sit in the quiet of the forest staring at the strip of city that we live in. Our neighborhood is a horizontal line against the blue of the sky.
We're sitting close. My legs are warm against his, but he's a little bit cold from sitting in the tree too long. I rub my thighs.
He stares, gray eyes wide and sparkling in the dim of the afternoon. "Are you cold?"
I shake my head, hiding my hands beneath my legs. My fingers burn against the bark of the tree, sizzling in agony. Shay bumps his shoulder against mine, a wobbly smile on his lips. He's melting into me. I can't decide I whether I like it.
"Are you okay?" he asks, looking at me. His stare is intense and pure as if he truly wants to know what was the matter.
I shrug, picking at the tree beneath us, head fuzzy from the cold. I sway my legs. Then Shay sways his legs. We laugh because it's all so stupid what happened last night. Us being so awkward.
"Can I make a video?" I ask quietly, my voice disappearing against the wind. But, just like last night, he hears me.
"Yes," he says. "For memories."
I capture his wobbly smile and his intense gray eyes and the way he stares at the skyline and the sway of his legs down below and our hands that are content with resting beside one another, not touching, but together.