An Arranged Affair

the reawakening

We sat around the coffee table, my fingers anxiously tapping on the table top.

They had slowly been weaning papa off his medications for the last 48 hours and his heart had responded well, and this morning they had started to wean him off the drugs that kept him asleep.

They were waking him up!

But we were not allowed to be there.

It was a slow agonising process and all we could do was wait, all we could do was hold our breaths as the emergency alarms went off and nurses and doctors rushed around to whichever emergency there was.

I looked at my mother, she had grown frail over these past few days, her eyes were closed and she was chanting harder than ever, her fingers almost flying over the beads of her rudra mala, she hadn’t eaten, hadn't drunk anything since the doctors had told us that he was being woken up.

After what seemed like an eternity one of the nurses walked up to us and asked.

‘Which of you is Victoria?”

I stood up and followed her down the hallway she indicated to.

“Rajneesh is awake and asking for you. It will not be a long visit, often when people wake up from a coma they are quite disoriented, but he’s asked for you a few times.

Now it will be quite a shock to see him, it’s not so traumatic when they are asleep but now that he's awake it will be harder. You will need to stay calm and keep him calm, we don't want him to stress his heart.”

I walked in slowly, almost afraid of what i was going to see.

Papa lay on his bed, his eyes were not focused very well, and he still had tubes all around him, in his arms, on his neck.

“ Papa?’ I asked quietly, almost afraid that he would not recognise me.

“ Beti? Is that you? Come here and give me a hug!” his voice was strained and hoarse. Probably from the breathing tube that had been down is neck for the past few days.

“ Oh papa! You are ok! You are going to be ok!” i said as quiet tears slid down my face. I had feared that I would never hear his voice again.

“ Beti , come close, there’s something I need to ask you.” he said , urgency in his voice.

“ Papa what is it? Do you need anything? I will get it for you straight away!”

“ No beti, you need to listen to me. Please get me out of here!”

“ Papa? I don’t understand! What do you mean? This is the hospital, you had another heart attack remember?”

‘ no, you don’t understand! You need to get me out of here!” his voice was harsh and hoarse.

“ But why papa?’

‘ Because this is the place people come to die.”

“ papa  you are not going to die! Please listen to me, you are in the hospital. The are taking very good care of you.”

‘ no you listen to me, you need to get me out of here.” he said angrily.

“ papa I cant, not yet, not until  you are better! But i promise you as soon as I can i will take you home!’

‘ YOU ARE NOT LISTENING TO ME!’  he shouted as best as he could, although it came out as a hoarse croak. The beeping of his heart monitor became faster and more persistent, louder as alarms went off.

“ Papa I cant take you home right now.” I said though my sobs. My chest heaved with suppressed emotion as I tried not break down in front of my father, he had asked me to do an impossible task, I was trying to stay calm and papa was not making it easy.

“ Miss , I'm going to have to ask you to leave. He’s getting stressed and I think we need to give him a sedative.” the nurse said as she ushered me out of the room. ‘ Come back in the morning, he will be better.”

Back in the waiting area I was enveloped by Phillip who had taken one look at me and knew something was wrong, and he held me tight as my sobs raked my body and finally subsided and I was calm.

Dr Rodgers came soon after and explained the same thing the nurse had told me, he was disoriented and not entirely lucid as he woke from his coma, and he had had a sedative to help him calm down and sleep for the night.

‘ i think it would be best if you all go home and get some rest. Tomorrow is a big day for everyone. Rajneesh will need you all rested and strong to help him with his recovery.”

In the quietness of our own room I stood in Phillips embrace, a fresh sea of tears and I remembered Papa, frail and sick,  he had lost so much weight and looked more like a corpse than my Papa. Not able to get over the events of the evening. I had come back in a mess of a state, grabbed the first bottle of wine I saw and promptly skulled back two very large glasses.

I didn’t care what it tasted like, how much it had cost, I was hurting in a way I never thought possible and all I wanted to be was numb.

But now in our room, in Phillip’s embrace I inhaled his cologne, felt the heat of his body next to me. I was hurting, my head starting to spin from the wine, but I was still hurting and I needed something to take away this hurt, so I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him into the deepest kiss I could manage, moaning as he responded and kissed me back, his hands trailing up and down my back, pulling up the hem of my maxi dress and grabbing my ass. There was already this dampness between my legs and I felt my core clench in anticipation, my body aching for only what he could give me.

I didn't hesitate when I reached for his shirt edge and pulled it out of his pants and hastily undid the buttons, my hands trailing all over his smooth skin and the hard muscles below but as I reached to unbuckle his belt he stopped me.

‘No Tori, not like this.” he said pulling my hands away, his breathing hard, and cupping my face with both his palms using his thumbs wipe my tears away. I hadn’t realized that I had been crying.

‘I don’t understand? Don’t you want me?”

“ I do want you, more than you know.” he grabbed my hand and placed it on his crotch, his erection leaving a considerable mound in his pants.  ‘But I don't want you when you are like this, uncontrollably emotional.” he pulled me down and sat me on the edge of the bed.

‘I don’t want you to make the same mistakes I did, trying to block out your grief with sex , alcohol and drugs only dulls the pain, it never makes it go away, when the high wears off, you will be left in an even deeper hole that’s harder to get out.

Now you are going to talk to me. What happened?”

I didn’t want to. I wanted to bury everything away. Get drunk and pass out so I reached for my glass of wine with the intention of finishing the whole god damned bottle and another if that did the trick.

“ nope, that’s not happening!” Phillip said prying the glass out of my hands. ‘ I already have my hands full with work and your dad in hospital. I don’t need to worry about a hungover you. Now what happened?” he said, his question was firm and gentle at the same time.

I fell back onto the bed so that I was staring at the ceiling.

“ Papa begged me to get him out. He said he was going to die there.” I said whispering, my voice so faint I barely heard it. “ he begged and begged and i could do nothing.” Fresh tears fell from my eyes and tricked down my ears onto the sheets below.

‘ he gave me everything, made me who I am, and I couldn’t give him what he asked. And he shouted at me, he’s never shouted like that. He’s so sick.
I’m a terrible daughter!” I cried out, my body heaving with all the emotion of the day, thick fat tears falling fast.

I wanted to lie there, wanted the earth to open up and swallow me but I felt myself being yanked up and being pulled into Phillips big strong frame. I buried my face into his chest as he pulled my legs onto his lap, sobbing uncontrollably and he held me there until I stopped crying, my body stopped shaking and held me until I fell asleep.