Red Vs Blue: Agent New Jersey: The Blood Gulch Chronicles

S1E3: The Rookies

We come back up on Grif and Simmons, once again on top of their base. From behind them, a soldier in red armor comes up the ramp.

Simmons: "Hey, that's not exactly what happened."

Grif: "Yes it is. You said, 'I'm not going to the Vegas quadrant," and then the next thing I know you're in an escape pod headed for-"

Red Soldier: "Excuse me, uh, sirs."

Grif: "Sirs? Ah crap."

Red Soldier: "I was told to report to Blood Gulch Outpost #1 and speak to whoever's in charge."

Grif: "Sorry man, Sarge is at Command getting orders. Ain't nobody in charge today."

Simmons: "Actually, Private, he left me in charge while he's gone."

Grif: "You are such a kiss-ass."

Simmons: "Also, he told me if I had any trouble from you I should," Simmons clears his throat and speaks in a horrible impression of Sarge. "Git in the Warthog, and crush yer head like a tomato can."

Grif: "That's the worst impression I've ever heard."

Simmons: "Okay rookie, what's your story?"

Donut: "Private Donut reporting for duty, sir. I'm ready to fight some aliens."

Grif: "Couple things here, rookie. First off, Private Donut? I think somebody needs a new nickname. Secondly, what's with the armor color?"

Donut: "This is the standard issue red."

Grif: "Yeah, I know. Listen: only two kinds of people wear standard issue armor: officers and recruits. And since you're not threatening to gut me like a fish, you're probably not an officer."

Donut looks at Simmons.

Donut: "Well, he's wearing red armor."

Simmons: "No, my armor is maroon. Your armor is red."

Donut: "Well, how do I get a different color armor?"

Simmons: "I bet the blues don't have to put up with this kind of crap."

We now see the blues and their new rookie, Caboose wearing standard issue blue armor, looking at their new tank.

Caboose: "So I say to the guy, 'How're you gonna get the tank down to the planet?' And he goes, 'I'll just put it on the ship,' and I go, 'If you've got a ship that can carry a tank, why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?'"

Tucker: "Hey, kid."

Caboose: "Yeah?"

Tucker: "You're ruining the moment. Shut up."

Caboose: "Oh. Okay. You got it man!"

Carmine: "Lay off the kid, Tucker. He just fuckin' got here."

Church: "You know what? I could blow up the whole goddamn world with this thing."

We now go back to the reds.

Simmons: "Okay, Private Donut, here's the deal."

Grif: "I just refuse to call him Private Donut!"

Simmons: "We've got a very important mission for you. You think you can handle it?"

Donut: "Absolutely!"

Simmons: "We need you to go to the store, and get two quarts of elbow grease."

Grif: "Yeah and uh, pick up some headlight fluid for the Puma too."

Donut: "The what?"

Simmons: "He means the Warthog."

Grif: "You do know where the store is, right, Rookie?"

Donut: "What? Yeah, yeah, of course I do. Sure, no problem."

Simmons: "Well, get going then."

Donut starts to run across the base.

Grif: "Other way."

Donut turns around and starts running the other way.

Donut: "I knew that. Just got turned around, that's all."

Simmons and Grif watch as Donut starts running across the canyon.

Simmons: "How long do you think until he figures out there's no store?"

Grif: "I say... At least a week."

As Donut runs through the canyon, he stops and turns to face his base.

Donut: "Elbow grease... How stupid do they think I am? Once I get back to base with that headlight fluid, I'm gonna talk to the Sergeant."

We now go back to the blues who are still with their tank.

Tucker: "You know what? Forget what I said before. We can definitely pick up chicks in this thing. Probably two or three chicks a piece."

Church: "Oh man, listen to you. What're you gonna do with two chicks?"

Tucker: "Church, women are like Voltron: the more you can hook up, the better it gets."

Carmine: "You fuckin' disgust me."

Zeta appears over Carmine's shoulder.

Zeta: "Agreed."

We now go back to Grif and Simmons.

Simmons: "You think we were too mean to the kid?"

Grif: "Nah. He'll just wander around on the cliffs for a few hours. What's the worst that could happen?"

We now see Donut approaching blue base.

Donut: "Finally, there it is... Oh sweet! They sell tanks!"