Red Vs Blue: Agent New Jersey: The Blood Gulch Chronicles

S1E12: Down, But Not Out

Grif: "Sim- Where'd he go? Don't kill me, I'm too good looking to die!"

We cut to the roof of Blue Base, with Caboose and Carmine looking through their sniper rifles while Tucker stands nearby.

Caboose: "Man... He is really kicking their asses."

Tucker: "How come I never get the fucking sniper rifle??

Zeta: "You think I would trust a perv like you with a sniper rifle?"

Tucker: "I... Whatever."

Caboose lowers his rifle.

Caboose: "I'm really glad Tex is on our team and not theirs."

Tucker: "Sure makes things a lot easier on us."

Caboose: "Yeah. I think switching Tex for Church was a good trade."

Carmine: "At least with Tex here, we trade out one incompetent soldier for an actually good soldier."

Caboose: "Ya know, ya think so? You know, I was gonna say something but, uh, well you know, uh... nuh..."

Tucker: "Did Tex get in the base?"

Carmine looks through the scope of his rifle, seeing Tex enter Red Base.

Carmine: "Looks that way."

We then cut to the flag stand in Blue Base as the flag reappears there.

Male Game Voice: "Blue Team, flag returned."

Tucker: "What the...? Who said that?"

Church: (clears thoat) "Sorry, that was me. I, uh, I guess I had something stuck in my throat. Your flag is back, by the way."

Caboose: "Hey, it's Church!"

Church: "Yeah, it's me. Hey, Caboose."

Caboose: "Hey, Church, what're you up to?"

Church: "Caboose, ah-huh-huh, I'm not really here to make small-talk, okay? How'd you guys manage to get your flag back?"

Tucker: "Wh-What? Oh, th-that flag? We've always had that."

Church: "Tucker, who do you think you're trying to fool? Hey, wait a second... Where's Tex?"

Carmine: "Over at Red Base. Y'know, doing the job we paid them to do."

Church: "Oh great. This is so typical! What was the one thing I told you guys the last time I appeared?"

Caboose: "That Sidewinder is cold?"

Church: "What was the OTHER one thing I told you?"

Carmine: "Not to let Tex get involved."

Church: "Right. And what did you do?"

Tucker: "..We let him get involved."

Church: "And not just a little involved. How involved?"

Caboose: "Very, very involved."

Carmine: "Y'know what, Church? When you died, I became CO at this base, so what I say goes. And I saw absolutely no reason to not let Tex get involved here. So you do NOT get to berate my men for a decision that I made."

Church and Carmine stare each other down as we cut to Tex in Red Base. Sarge then approaches from their left.

Sarge: "Freeze." Lopez then approaches from the right, trapping Tex. "Drop your weapon."

Tex drops their gun.

Tex: "Hey, buddy."

Sarge: "What?"

Tex: "You really better hope the first one knocks me out."

Sarge then hits Tex with the butt of his shotgun, knocking them out. We then cut to the roof of Red Base where Grif is starting to get out.

Grif: "Ow, what the... My freakin' head. Jesus."

We see Simmons tending to Donut before he stands up.

Simmons: "He's hurt, Grif. He'll make it, but we need to get him some help fast."

Grif: "Yeah, yeah, hold on one second. What happened here? W- First Donut's head exploded, and then you fainted, and then some black thing showed up and started-"

Simmons: "Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. I did not faint, something knocked me out."

Grif: "Okay fine, keep lying to yourself. Whatever helps you sleep at night."

Simmons: "Man, just go find Sarge, we need to get Donut outta here."

Grif: "Yeah, sure. Oh, and uh, I'm fine by the way. Thanks for asking." Grif runs down the ramp.

Simmons: "Whatever, no one likes you anyway."

We then cut to the Blues, with Caboose looking through his sniper. He sees Grif enter Red Base.

Caboose: "Yep, he's definitely captured... Or dead... Captured or dead. ... Or captured AND dead!"

Church: "Oh, well that's just PERFECT!"

Tucker: "What!? What is your problem!? Why do you even care if he's captured? I thought you hated that guy anyway for stealing your girlfriend."

Carmine: "Would you stop calling Tex a he? She's a fucking girl!" Carmine's mouth clamps shut as Church and Tucker turn to look at him.

Caboose: "She?"

Church: "How the fuck do you know that!?"

Zeta: "Oh boy."

We cut to the inside of Red Base with everyone except Donut being present.

Simmons: "Sarge, we need to get Donut air-lifted outta here."

Sarge: "Could you put that in a memo and entitle it 'Shit I already know!' Get on the horn with Command!" (turns to Tex) "Well, look who's up. Rise 'n' shine, buttercup."

We see sparks fly from Tex's right shoulder as we hear the brief sound of a distorted voice.

Tex: (now sounding female) "Oh great... You broke my voice filter. You cock biting fucktards!"

Grif: "Ah-ha! I knew it! Only a chick could give me a headache this big!"

We fade to black as there is a brief moment of silence.

Tex: "...What's the matter? You never seen a girl before? How long have you guys been out here?"