Helmut Zemo One-Shots: Zemo x Reader Because I Know Y'all Are Thirsty AF

The Beard: Gay!Zemo & Lesbian!Reader

A/N: I was going to write the second part of Warm Mornings, but then suddenly got real uncomfy. I'll write it later when I'm *high* again. 

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"Who the fuck is that?" 

Zemo looked to where Sam was staring. "Oh. That is my wife, (Y/N)." The two men behind him looked between the two of them in shock. Barron Zemo, who was still getting revenge for his family... married... and to a young woman that didn't quite seem his type... 

"Hello, dear. I'm assuming our guests are the ones who broke you out?" Her accent was distinctly Sokovian, but the air about her wasn't that of a typical citizen. Her facial expression barely changed, and when she smiled it was more motherly than anything else. 

"Yes. Now scoot over so we can sit down for the flight." 

The woman just shook her head, patting her lap instead. Zemo sighed, then moved to where he was laying across the seats, head in his wife's lap and feet on the plane wall. "Your obsession with playing with my hair is humorous, but a little concerning at this point." 

"Shush, Mr. Fur Coat. I haven't seen you since my last visit, and the guards stopped letting me in your cell after they realized I was just playing with your hair." Oh. That's. Not inappropriate knowledge, but feels like it is. 

Bucky frowns in his seat. "You guys have a weird relationship. You look act more like family than a couple." He was met with Sam's 'Don't ask questions' look. Maybe he was afraid Zemo actually did marry a family member. 

A snort comes from (Y/N). "You didn't tell them, did you Hel?" She gets a playful swat from the man. She boops his nose in return. "Come on. These are men of the Avengers, yes? They know plenty of out-of-the-ordinary people, and all of their varying relationships." 

This is where Bucky wishes he hadn't said anything. Because it was really starting to sound like they are family. Zemo wouldn't marry inside his family, right? Royalty doesn't do that anymore, right? 

The man grumbles something out, then nods. Sam cautiously speaks. "So... what hasn't he told us...?" 

"That the Winter Soldier and Falcon are more of his type than I am." 

Oh. OH. That makes sense now. But also not? 

"Zemo, didn't you have a first wife?" 

The baron frowns. "What I know now doesn't change the way I cared of her and my son. Or the fact that I will get justice for them." If anything, he looked offended. His sexual and romantic preferences didn't change the fact that he loved his late wife. Maybe not in the way a husband should've, but he still loved her deeply. 

Wanting to change subject, Sam asked about the couple. "So, why are you two married? And how did you even meet?" 

(Y/N) smiled gently, going back to playing with her husband's hair. "We both prefer our own sex, but what's left of the barony is expecting a new heir at some point. Someone to help rebuild." She looks up at the Americans. "And we met in EKO Scorpion. I was in the second round of women recruits to join. The men didn't like me being there, but Helmut said I had to say because I was one of the best on the team. We became good friends. Even dated for a little while before he met Heike. I discovered my distaste for men long before he discovered his distaste for women." 

A scoff comes from her lap. "Explain your ex-fiancé, then. You got engaged after Carl was born!" 

"You fool. I was going to marry him for money. His sister was much better looking, and he was aware of the relationship she and I had." She rolls her eyes. The banter between them flowed naturally, like childhood friends. 

"Of course you still ended up with a rich husband. Sly gold-digger." 

"Shut the fuck up, bougie twink." 

"I'll tell your Madripoor girlfriend that you're being mean again." 

"She doesn't even like you. And your robot boyfriend is watching." 

"He's not my boyfriend." 

"Tell that to your night recordings." 

"You can clearly hear me saying 'Jason', not James." 

"It's clearly James, in between sobs of 'I'm so sorry' to 'you're the only super soldier I'd let rail m-' "

She laughed loudly as a gloved hand covered her mouth. 

"That was one time, and it wasn't even recent." He removed his hand, but not before pinching her nose. 

"It was four months ago. Four. Months. I had guards calling me at three in the morning asking if your sleep terrors were always so sexual." 

Across the aisle, Sam and Bucky were just staring at them with mixed emotions. It was like they weren't even there. Cute for the Sokovians, but disturbing for the Americans. Now Bucky has to decide whether to be disgusted or take the opportunity to fuck the smugness out of Zemo. 

Either way, this plane ride was interesting.