All I Never Had

Chapter One

Gracie ~

How is it that I'm 22 and expected to magically become an adult capable of adult decisions in a matter of seconds? I'm nowhere near ready to make major life-altering decisions like this. Marriage? Are you kidding me? Thirty seconds ago my biggest stress was studying for finals, now I'm expected to make a single choice that will impact my entire future? I'm not qualified for this.

But here I am with my high school sweetheart down on one knee in front of me...and every single person we know watching us as if we were caged animals in a zoo.

Caged...how fitting.

I guess I should choose my words more carefully. Colt is my high school boyfriend, but he's far from a sweetheart. There are lots of words I would use to describe him, but sweetheart definitely wasn't one of them. In high school I would have described him as lost, grieving, compassionate, kind, but that was five years ago. Now the only words that would adequately describe Colt are impatient, unmotivated, harsh, drunk...abusive.

I suppose we're called high school sweethearts because it's considered sweet that we've been together for so many years, and after being together for so long marriage is the natural next step. So why does this feel so wrong? So forced? I should be happy, ecstatic even, but I feel like I'm going to be sick instead. Maybe it's because we are nowhere near the people we were in high school and have no business getting married, so why am I still standing here?

Colt's hand tightened around mine, squeezing my knuckles at an unnatural angle until they painfully popped beneath his grasp.

Shit, how long have I been standing here contemplating my answer? Too long I guess.

I brought my eyes up to meet the gaze of every person we knew gathered around us, smiling with anticipation. Smiling as if they were witnessing something amazing and beautiful.

Why do they look happier than I do? Am I even smiling?

I turned my gaze down to Colt whose brows had lowered into a hard line as he looked up at me.

Now I don't feel so bad because he's not smiling either, or maybe he's not smiling because I'm not smiling.

This isn't how this moment is supposed to feel is it? Why do I feel like I need to run? Probably because I should, but I can't. What would he do to me if I did?

My head spun and spewed questions that I didn't have the answers to and didn't have time to sort through as eyes burned through me from all directions.

Another hard squeeze from Colt who was losing what little patience he had left. He cleared his throat and glared up at me, allowing me to read his facial expression perfectly. Colt was silently warning me not to embarrass him and I knew better than to call his bluff.

The world closed in rapidly and my blood started pounding in my ears making it hard to concentrate or even breathe for that matter. I swallowed hard against my panic and the pain in my hand from Colt's tight, threatening hold.

Everyone was staring at me waiting for me to say yes. It's what I'm supposed to do right? They say that this is every girls dream, to marry their high school sweetheart and they can't all be wrong can they?

Jeez I'm taking too long, smiles are fading and I think Colt might actually break my hand if I don't answer him in the next five seconds.

My throat fought against the single word that I tried to force out, strangling me and scraping painfully against my windpipe as I finally answered the hateful man kneeling in front of me out of nothing more than self preservation.

"Y-yes."

Loud cheers erupted around us from our friends and family but my heart sank down to my toes and my stomach knotted.

Colt slid the ring forcefully onto my finger and I looked down at the tiny diamond as if it were prison shackles, chaining me and ever-connecting me to Colt. A life sentence with an abusive drunk - a death sentence.

What the hell did I just do?