Through the dark

Sleeping is the worst

I wake up drenched in sweat again. My sister doesn't even come to check on me this time but I don't blame her. I had hoped that the wine had relaxed me enough that it would hold the memories that have become my nightmares at bay but I was wrong. The first few nights of screaming Kate would come running into my room of the condo we share in Thousand Oaks but every time I would tell her I was fine. I wouldn't give her any details or allow her to comfort me so eventually after nearly three weeks she gave up. I don't want her or anyone to know my shame I just want it to go away so if I don't talk about it then it didn't happen. I look at the clock it's only 3 AM but I know I won't be able to go back to sleep so I slip out of my bed and grab the last couple of gifts I need to wrap. Christmas is in two days; we leave for the airport this morning to fly back home to where most of our family lives in Maryland. I hope Kate at least gets some more sleep I have been feeling bad about my nightmares waking her as well.

When I hear her alarm go off I take that as my cue to go out and start the day as now I won't be the cause of waking her any further. She won't ask me about the nightmare which is perfect as I will act as if I didn't have one. I got dressed for the day around 5 wearing a pair of jeans and a oversized Ravens hoodie with a tank top underneath. I tied my dark blonde hair back in a high pony tail just to get it out of my face that way I won't have to deal with it. We will be in a airport or on a plane a good amount of the day though mainly it's because I don't care how I look anymore. Kate joins me in the kitchen an hour later in a pair of black leggings paired with a light pink VS top. She has her make up done to perfection keeping her auburn hair styled as if she is going out instead of traveling. But that's Kate she is model ready every day no matter the situation.

"Hey thanks." Kate sighs as she takes a small sip testing the temperature of the coffee before she takes a bigger drink.

"No worries. When should we head out? I hate traveling so close to Christmas I know it will be packed." I sigh as I drink the final drops of my cup.

"I'm set to go when you are so we should set up an Uber now. Besides I was willing to leave earlier but you changed plans on me"

She's right after that night I didn't want to go home right away.  I changed our tickets to a week later so I could let the numbness take over.  I didn't want to see my family; to be honest I still don't.  But it's Christmas our first living on the opposite coast.  My mom would have been devastated if I didn't come home not to mention it would raise suspicion with the rest of my family.  So here I am going through the motions just letting the numbness hold me together while hiding the pain and shame I feel.  I keep telling myself I just have to get through this holiday then I can go back to working or staying home so I can avoid people.

"Look it's ok don't worry about it.  Our family is a lot to deal with you were right to keep the time frame together short."  She says smiling when I didn't answer because I am too lost in thought.

"I think if the family wasn't so big it wouldn't be so bad.  The five of us is bad enough adding in Aunts, Uncles, cousins and Gram good grief it's like a circus". I say trying to play along with her reasoning for my behavior.

"Hey I would be perfectly fine with just the five of us but you know more family means more presents"

I smile a fake smile that she accepts as real making my way over to start grabbing our bags to put them down in the lobby while we wait for the Uber to arrive.  We are only going home for a couple of weeks but with the presents we have for everyone we manage to have 2 suit cases each plus our carry on bags.  Just as I have the last one sitting by the door I hear a honk from our impatient Uber driver.  He cast a look over all the suit cases looks at the two of us and huffs as he starts to load them into the trunk.

We make it to the airport then through security with an hour to spare before our flight.  This allows for Kate to grab some Starbucks while I find a seat near the terminal for us to wait.  The time passes passes as we watch families rush to and from the planes around us it all feels like an out of body experience as I am locked into this pain.  With each minute that ticks by each person who gets close to me in this packed terminal I feel myself starting to crack.  Finally we hear them call our flight and start the boarding process which is a game of hurry up then wait.  Once we are on the plane I feel the drain of the lack of sleep and the rush of our early morning take over my body.  I must of fallen asleep because the next thing I feel is Kate shaking me frantically calling me.

"Hales wake up!  It's just a nightmare!  I'm here!  Open your eyes!"

My eyes fly open taking in what's around me letting me get my bearings. I am in my seat on a very crowded plane next to Kate who has her arms around me while what seems like everyone on the plane is starring at me. I pull out of her embrace as sadly even her touch makes me feel uncomfortable.  It is then that I see a sweet but terrified flight attend is standing next to me. She asks if everything is ok a I nod in response while pushing the sweat off my forehead.  It's bad enough to have this happen in my own bed at my own place however on a crowded plane in mid air on a very long flight is just overly embarrassing.

Sure during the day I think about what happened though I have gotten a lot better about keeping myself busy so busy I don't have much time to think.  At night is when I can't fight it because my memories come flooding back like it is happening all over again.  I relive every single second, every detail of that night over and over again.  I can't escape my nightmares I knew that I'm kicking myself for not having an double shot or maybe even a Red Bull.  Most people prefer to sleep on a long flight but for me sleeping really is the worst.