Through the dark

Ugh home for the holidays

The rest of the flight is uneventful though I'm certain everyone on the plane is still starring at me like I've lost my mind.  To keep from falling asleep again I drink way too much coffee.  This in turn annoys Kate because I have to get up to use the restroom every half hour.  By the time the flight lands and we get our bags I have worked myself back into a state of numbness to get through the holidays or at the very least hopefully the next few hours.  I just hope that I can smile, hug and chat with my family as if everything is normal. I can't let them start asking me why I'm sad or scared because they just can't know. They would never forgive me.

Our brother picks us up from the airport he hugs us both tight which I would normally love but now the embrace makes my heart race so I brake free quickly. I hate the idea of hurting his feelings so when Tim looks at me funny I say.

"Geesh Tim you went a little overboard on that cologne didn't you?!" Then I fake a laugh.

"Ha ha you're hilarious" he says but seems to buy my explanation because his expression changes to more of a joking look.

He loads the suitcases into the trunk with the same enthusiasm and look of disbelief as the Uber driver had.  Tim and Kate talk the whole way to our Moms house only every once in awhile do they ask me a question to which I politely reply. Normally I would be upset that they are leaving me out however I finally see an advantage of being mostly overlooked by my family.  My mom raised the four of us on her own.  Tim, myself, Kate and Melanie are each only about 18 months apart in order with Tim being five years older than Melz as we call her.  Growing up the three of them just seemed to take turns being in the "spotlight" so to speak. We all played sports or did other extra curricular activities but each of them shined at theirs. Tim was a star wide receiver and academic standout earning a full ride to Florida where he graduated summa cum laude. Melz was an All American cheerleader and also excelled in academics. She had graduated early from high school earlier this year and went straight into college at Towson to study psychology. Kate was the star point guard on our high school basketball team and the lead in most of the schools productions all 4 years of High school. Her dream was acting hence our move to California. She fell in love with the stage her freshman year when she auditioned for a part in the school play so she could be close to a guy she liked. 

Needless to say my mom being a single mom who had to work hard to support us after our dad decided "four kids was just too much" meant she had to pick and choose what she was able to attend or not.  My siblings weren't like me; they thrived on the attention which meant someone had to take a backseat. It would eat at me from time to time but now I was counting on it. I learned that being noticed only ended in pain for me.  If I hadn't been hoping for his attention things wouldn't have gone the way they did.  But I don't need to think of that now.  Now I need to focus on getting through this holiday that I used to love so much without giving away anything.

We get to moms in just under an hour which felt like an even shorter time than that.  I was really hoping to have myself more together.  Mom comes rushing out of the house with Melz right behind her.  Tonight it will be just the four of us. I can handle the four of us.  Though I start to worry they'll ask a question that will break my facade so I do the only thing I can think of to keep the attention off of me.

"Hey Melz!  How is college life? My little sis with the biggest brains in the family!"  I say with a smile.

"It's nice of you to acknowledge my brilliance." She laughs wrapping me in a hug.  It's not quite as uncomfortable as Tim's but I end it as quick as I can.  I don't like to be touched anymore to have someone's arms around me.
My mom hugs Kate and says "You are all brilliant.  I didn't raise any dummies.  Now come inside it's Christmas Eve and I made a nice dinner"

We grab the bags making our way inside the house.  Tim and Melz whine at us for over packing; mom only comments she hopes it means we can stay longer.  Once our stuff is in our old room Kate and I wash up then sit at the table for dinner.  Mom says she made a nice dinner but we can tell she ordered from a local restaurant.  That was most of our "home cooked" meals because mom was either working or we were doing activities which didn't leave time for cooking. But it felt nice to have a familiar meal.  After dinner we cleanup then head into the living room.  It has always been a tradition for us to open one present on Christmas Eve; even in our late teens and early twenties mom couldn't resist. 

"Here I got you each something I want you to open tonight.  You'll have some for the morning and then of course when the family comes you will have those so don't give me that look." Mom says as she hands us the gifts. 

We open them together; I have to laugh at the matching PJs she got us.  This is nice this feeling of comfort and love.  For just a bit I'm starting to feel better. I forget my shameful secret for the night and enjoy time with my family. We catch up on what's been going on in each other's lives even though we all talk to each other at least once every few days living in three separate states we've missed each other. I keep my answers short but for the most part my siblings do the talking. At around midnight Mom says she's headed to bed.  My siblings and I stay up about another hour putting the presents under the tree before we head to bed.