Through the dark

Lost girl

Once I'm off the elevator I run straight back to my office run in and lock it. I crouch down on the floor in a full-blown panic attack when I hear a knock on my door. It's Brad I hadn't realized that he was still in the office.

"Hales what's going on? Are you ok? Hales open the door!" He says worry straining his voice.

"Just a sec!" I try to say but it comes out in hiccups. I hear him trying the door knob again.

"Haley open the door please. I'm worried. What happened?" Now I hear him fumbling with keys. I know he has a master key to the doors so I get up and try to calm myself down at least wipe my face off. He manages to open the door just as I steady my breathing. He runs straight to me wrapping me in a huge hug. I flinch in his embrace so he lets me go but stays close with a worried expression on his face.

"Haley please tell me what's going on. This isn't like you. You've been off for months. Please what's going on" Brad pleads

I can't tell him what happened. I'm disgusted with myself and embarrassed and ashamed. I can't tell anybody what happened I feel so bad because I know he's worried but I don't know what to say. So I lie...

"Oh Brad I'm so sorry. I don't mean to worry you. It's really embarrassing." I start. "You know when I went out for my birthday?" He nods. "Well and please don't freak out but I was mugged." Telling everyone that I was mugged is better than explaining that I let myself get rapped by some guy because I thought he was really a great guy.

"Oh Haley why didn't you say anything? Why are you upset now? Did something else happen?"

"I was embarrassed and didn't want you guys to feel bad about not going. Then just now I wasn't paying attention getting into the elevator and started to trip. Someone grabbed my arm to steady me and it just brought me back to that night." Half truths help me lie better. Brad must be buying it because he says "You poor thing you should have told us. Of course I feel bad. Come here and let me hug you. It may not make you feel better but it will make me feel less guilty."

I walk over to him letting him wrap his arms around me.  I am tense though I do feel some comfort from his hug.  I don't know if it's telling him the half lie or the fact that I know Brad is without a doubt not going to hurt me but I manage to let him hug me for a few moments.  After he lets go he tells me he is going to walk me to my car, drive me home and hire more security.  Even though I protest he doesn't want to hear it.  He calls Greg from the parking garage to let him know he is going to leave his car and that he will need to drive him back to retrieve it.

When we get home Brad fills Kate and Greg (who was at my apartment when we arrived) in on what happened while I go change. I throw on a yellow knit top and faded jeans. Throwing my work clothes in the hamper. One plus of being a hermit is my apartment especially my room is very tidy. When I come out it feels like I'm in an intervention the way they're all seated around the living room.

"Is this where I confess I'm an alcoholic and need rehab?" I ask sarcastically

"Hales you should have told us what happened!" Kate states as she hands me a glass of wine.

"Well it was embarrassing and nothing could be done."

"What did the thug take?" Greg asks. He told me once before that when he lived in New York he was mugged on the subway. I feel a little bad as I'm sure my lie brings up bad memories for him.  The problem is if I was honest I would never get over the shame.

"Just a couple bucks. It was just more frightening then anything. I'm sorry I didn't say anything but it's over now. I don't want to dwell on it. I know I've been a little lost lately I'm really sorry." I say in a rush. I really don't want to talk about it. The more they press the more likely I will breakdown.

The look on my face must have been enough because the subject was quickly changed. We spent the rest of the evening eating Chinese food and watching "Friends" reruns. The next day Kate and I called Tim, Melz and Mom to go over plans for the trip. Kate of course told them about my being mugged which sent mom into a tizzy, Tim got mad and Melz said she would send pepper spray with the next care package she and mom sent. I just listened trying to keep up my lie so that the truth wouldn't come out as that would truly make them disgusted with me.

As promised Monday morning Brad was at my door to take me to work and there was indeed added security. I felt a tad guilty for him spending the extra money but told myself that the extra security would help someone. I'm not sure if Ryan was trying to avoid me or if I was just getting better at avoiding him but I didn't see him again. Time went on with my holiday in Europe coming ever closer. Brad had gotten us tickets to see Manchester United against Aston Villa as well as tickets with meet and greets to One Direction at Manchester Arena everyone else was very excited.  I however was dreading it all.  I had been "more myself" as Kate liked to say since I told the lie of what happened to me.  I guess getting some of it off my shoulders helped.  There was still guilt and shame but it didn't eat at me every moment.  It helped that I had pepper spray as promised by Melz and extra security that I could hide near in case Ryan did show his face. 

By the morning that would begin our trip I was slightly less reluctant to go and a bit excited to know there would be an ocean between myself and Ryan. Brad surprised us by explaining that he had sort of invited himself along for the trip after talking to Mom about it. At least I wouldn't be sitting next to strangers on my long flights. I had been having less nightmares over the past few weeks so I am not afraid to go to sleep now. However it would be nice to know that if I did Kate and Brad were there.

We all gather our suitcases by the front door so that Brads driver can put them into the car when he arrives. There's a lot of double checking things and Greg fussing over missing Brad for two weeks. Once the car arrives we are off to LAX with are pre checks complete and Brad paying for first class we are through security and boarded in no time. I don't sleep most of the 5 hour flight to JFK my nightmare tugs at me when I do.  So I'm grateful when Brad gently nudges my shoulder to let me know he's there.

Tim takes Kates seat next to me when he boards I'm guessing he's feeling overly protective of his little sister. Once we are somewhere over the Atlantic and I've eaten some dinner I drift off to sleep once more. This time I am taken back to that room where I'm trapped trying to get away from him.  I startle myself awake just as we begin are descent into Manchester. I gather myself together and disembark the plane.  Ok Europe here we come...