Stigma || KTH

03 Seoul

I woke up the next morning in a really good mood, nobody could ruin it.
Or that was what I thought.
I took my luggage which was full since I'm moving back to Seoul and I said my goodbyes to my friendly neighbor which I've been knowing since I was young.
I used to give Tan to Mrs Chung when I was away from home so he wouldn't feel lonely.
She was sweet and was always happy whenever I was giving him to her.
She is around her late 60s and her husband died so she lives alone.
I've been living in my grandparents old house for almost 2 months now.
We spent some evenings at her house drinking tea and she recited the whole story of her life.
I actually agreed to go to this mini tea party only because she begged to get to know a handsome young man like me better, as she said.
She told me about how she, her late husband and my late grandparents used to be really good friends and so many stories about them living their life to the fullest as teenagers with crazy adventures brought sudden tears to my eyes.
I may be a sensitive guy but I sometimes feel like I'm crossing the line.
I didn't share as many things with her as she did with me. I couldn't.
It wasn't a matter of trust but a matter of life and death. Only me and my very close friends know about my condition.
I don't like saying here and there that I have bipolar disorder. I used to do it when I was younger without thinking about the consequences or the bullying I might get afterwards.
I was, I would say, a fairly open child, playful, passionate and above all happy without guilt for anything in my life.
Everyone at school called me gay.
They obviously meant it as an insult but I never actually took it as an insult for some odd reason.
Okay, it wasn't flattering for a 10-year-old boy at the time, but surprisingly, it never felt particularly annoying.
I've always had a huge attraction to the opposite sex I was just not showing it.
Emotions have always been a major problem to me. When they were active they either couldn't be stopped, and I'm talking about pretty extreme situations that I don't want to think about, let alone refer to them, or I lost interest extremely fast, through no fault of the girl.
I have always considered life as something perfect since I was little.
My outlook on life changed when I met her.
This girl I still can't stop thinking about and probably never will.

***

I stop all the negative thoughts as I walk all the way to the bus stop from two days ago.
There was a caution tape that said crime scene do not cross in capital letters and that's exactly what I did.
There were a lot of people there, including some police officers and detectives that were trying to do their job but couldn't since the paparazzi were taking pictures of the scene and wouldn't stop getting in their way. I managed to take a look at the scene myself, Areum wasn't there anymore, of course. Her funeral was yesterday and a thought crossed my mind but that would be too much. I thought about going to her funeral and introducing myself as an old friend of hers but that would be crazy and especially dangerous, so that thought quickly left as fast as it came. Obvsiously that would be a terribly stupid idea.
  I would definitely become one of the suspects. And if they don't have any suspects yet, I'd be the first.
Finally the bus arrived and I sat on a seat next to the window. Τhe bus is almost empty with only two passengers on the front seats so I sit at the back and have more than half of the bus for myself.
I put on my earbuds and immersed myself in the nice and relaxing melody. I leaned my head against the window and relaxed with Tan on my lap in his usual relaxing spot.
The trip was an hour and 40 minutes and I finally reached my destination. Seoul.
I was born in Daegu but I grew up in Geochang. Me and my 6 friends live in a house here in Seoul that one of them owns from their parents.
I desperately needed a break because I was tired. I wanted to go and visit the cemetery so I stayed there temporarily.
I wanted to take a break from the world, but I guess that's the only thing I didn't do.
When I first got to Daegu, two months ago I took a lot of walks at the park with Tan and visited museums, I also found an old friend of mine there and drunk some coffee a couple of times.
But the last day was a really weird one. I got crazy again, started seeing visions and having serious mental breakdowns. This rarely happens. And when it does happen I always grab my knife and leave the house. It's like I'm in autopilot.
I'm trying not to think about it.
After quite a lot of time, I'm finally walking the streets of Seoul, kind of excited.
Have I missed Seoul's streets?
Yeah, you could say that.
I reached the house and rang the bell. "Coming!" I heard a familiar voice saying cheerfully. He opened the door and I was greeted with a big smile.
"Tan!" he said excited and Tan jumped in Jungkook's arms. I cleared my throat.
"Tan's owner is also here." I said in annoyance to my friend. "Oh my god Taehyung!" he said jokingly and hugged me. "It's been so long!" he said.
"We haven't seen each other for only 2 months." I said and giggled.
"Shut up." he said with a grin.
He broke the hug and let me in and I stepped inside without a second thought. Tan run inside the house and went straight to the kitchen. Smelling the amazing scent of Jin's cooking.
"Everyone! Taehyung is here!" Jungkook announced and then I saw them coming out of the kitchen.
All five of them.
"Tae!" Hobi said and hugged me. "Welcome home buddy." Namjoon said and rubbed my back like he always does. I hugged everyone and we all sat at the table to eat dinner.
We had an awkward silence that I wanted to break so badly.
It's not like we met yesterday, I know them for years. They were by my side when my classmates were bullying me, especially Jimin. He couldn't help me with the guys that were bullying me, I let Yoongi handle this but he helped me mentally. He was the shoulder that I cried on after school.
The silence broke by Tan, who decided to take his little toy in his mouth and play catch with Yoongi. Jin took his chance and spoke.
"So," Jin started and everyone looked at him. "care to explain what happened two days ago at Daegu?" He said while facing me. Suddenly all eyes were on me.
So that makes 12 eyes all on me. Tan was busy catching his toy.
I cleared my throat. "What are you talking about?" I said and I continued to eat my food, knowing exactly what he talks about.
"Don't play dumb!" Jimin said.
"He told us you two talked on the phone yesterday." Yoongi continued while pointing at Jimin.
The others preferred to stay silent.
Jin sighed since I wasn't replying. I bowed my head in shame and didn't dare to look at anyone's eyes.
I heard a sigh again this time but from Hobi. Not a sigh from annoyance but a "what am I going to do with you?" sigh.
I always disappoint them. They always have something to say about me. Honestly, I would do the same if I had a friend like me.
I still don't know how, even when I bring this shitty version of myself out, they still accept it and continue to love me and care about me.
Namjoon put me out of my thoughts when he stood up and faced me. I was scared to be honest. I may already know that Namjoon isn't scary when he's angry but I had a reason to be afraid this time.
He came all the way in front of me and he hugged me tightly. Half of the boys seemed shocked and the rest knew that this was about to happen.
It wasn't that unexpected. They already know the weakness he has for me.
Hobi stood up as well and did the same. He stood over me and started patting my back gently.
And there goes the part that I cry.
I sniffed and wiped my tears. When Namjoon and Hobi broke the hug and I opened my eyes I realised that the table was now empty with everyone over my head smiling at me.
I was smiling widely at them and they laughed. "Okay guys I didn't cook all these just so you don't eat them! Sit down and eat before it gets cold." Jin ordered us.
"Yes." we all said in unison.

***

"Pst guys!" Hoseok tried not to wake up Taehyung and Yoongi. "What? What is it?" Jimin asked Hoseok and he went over his way and the rest of the boys followed him.
"We really need to talk." Hoseok said and then Namjoon and Seokjin nodded, already knowing what's going on.
"About what?" Jungkook asked not giving that much of attention. "Taehyung." Seokjin simply said and all the attention went on him.
"What about him?" Jimin asked them curious.
"I know it's not the first time he does this but," Seokjin said and paused and looked at Namjoon so he can continue for him. "Don't you think we need to help him?" Namjoon asked the rest of the boys.
"How can we possibly help him? We talked to him multiple times!" Jimin said opening his arms to show the quantity.
"Yeah, but we haven't tried-" Hoseok paused because he knew the reaction he was ready to receive, "psychotherapy." Jimin's and Jungkook's eyes widened and looked at Hoseok as if he was a ghost.
"Are you serious?!" Jimin asked as if they were insane. "We can't do that! Besides, he'll never agree." Jungkook told them.
"I know Jungkook, but what else can we do to help him? We have to try even if there'll be no change after all. They are professionals, they studied this and they obviously know a lot more than us about this." Hoseok said. He seemed angry like someone was cutting the last string of his patience.
He loves him, a lot and that's the reason why he's acting this way. He's trying his best to find a solution about it even if there is no treatment and he might simply never change.

***

I tried my best to sleep but nothing happened at all. Yoongi was snoring softly next to me while hugging Tan.
I just wish I was normal like them.
I wish I could sleep whenever I wanted. I wish my mood didn't change whenever. I wish I could focus more at things. I wish I wasn't losing interest or pleasure in activities I once enjoyed and so many other things that this stupid disorder has.
After all this overthinking I decided to go back in the living room since staying next to Yoongi and watch him sleeping peacefully made me jealous that I wasn't able to just close my eyes for a little.
I stepped outside of the room and I was slowly reaching the living room. "...don't you think we need to help him?" Namjoon asked. "How can we possibly help him? We talked to him multiple times!" Jimin said.
I was really confused.
I went to the kitchen since everyone was having their back on me and continued to eavesdrop. I took a glass of water and started drinking it.
"Yeah, but we haven't tried phychotherapy." Hobi said and then it hit me.
Ι spat out the water and almost chocked myself from shock. I almost dropped the bottle as well but luckily no one noticed my presence.
"Are you serious!?" Jimin asked shocked. "We can't do that! Besides, he'll never agree." Jungkook told them and he's absolutely right.
"I know Jungkook, but what else can we do to help him? We have to try even if there'll be no change after all. They are professionals, they studied this and they obviously know a lot more than us about this." Hobi said and I sighed. They are once again right. I know they are.
I stepped inside the living room and Jimin with Namjoon were the first who noticed me. They both stood up from their sits and came my way.
"Are you okay? Why are you awake?" Namjoon asked me curious.
"Is it insomnia again?" Jimin asked me but I ignored both of them and I passed by them and they looked confused.
"I don't want to go. I don't want to go for phychotherapy, there will be no solution. There is no treatment after all. Going there won't change a single thing. There are no pills I can take so this fucking disorder can leave me. I'll stay like this forever." I was basically yelling at Hobi and Jin.
"But Tae-" Hobi started but Jin cut him off immediately.
"Taehyung!" Jin yelled to get my attention and make me stop talking.
"We care about you and as you can see we are doing everything we can to help you with your condition. I guess you don't give a shit about that." I gasped.
Jin's words really hurt my heart. I swear I felt something breaking in there.
They are the only people that enjoy my presence and I still can't believe how after everything I've done they still count me as their friend.
I love them.
I know it sounds cliché but I really do love them.
It's not something I say often but I try to show it as much as I can. "No Jin I-" I started but he stoped me.
"If no, then you'll listen to us and you'll agree to do this. It's for your own good okay?" Jin said and I bent down my head and I sighed. "Okay." I whispered and Jin was the only one who was able to hear it.
He took a step forward, he lifted my chin with his index finger to bring my eyes at his eye level.
When I looked at him, I saw in his eyes a good and a faithful friend.
A friend who cared and still cares about me, for my own good.
A friend who was upset about me not being able to sleep when I was 19 years old and stayed with me awake all night until I fell asleep. And if I couldn't sleep, he wouldn't sleep either.
We watched movies, we shared stories we've never told anyone before, we told jokes to eachother so he doesn't get bored.
I never got bored of his company.
I never got bored of anyone's company.
All six of them have a special place in my heart that is so hard to replace, that's why I will simply don't.