Stigma || KTH

07 Trauma

  "Hello?"
  "Hi, it's Taehyung."
  "Oh, Taehyung," it souded like she spat whatever she had in her mouth. She didn't expect me calling her.
  "Hello. Is everything alright?" she asked me. "Yeah, everything is fine. I just talked it out with Jin and decided to attend today's appointment and I wanted to let you know." I told her.
  "Wow, that's amazi- I mean, that's good news." she said and I giggled. "Taehyung, I'm sorry that I wasn't able to answer the phone last night." Iori told me and I laughed.
  "It's fine. I'm okay now, no need to worry. Besides I got the help I needed by your colleague." I told her.
  "My collea-? Oh!" she paused and laughed. "She's my sister, not my colleague." she told me. "Oh sorry then." I said.
  "Nevermind, thank you for letting me on." she said and I said "No problem."
  "Do you feel okay now?" she asked me. "Yes, I am. We'll discuss everything face to face."
  And with that the call ended and I started getting ready for today's appointment.

***

  "Welcome Taehyung, please sit." she told me while pointing at the dark blue sofa across her.
  "Now tell me, how have you been doing?" she asked me. "Well if you exclude what happened yesterday, in general everything is fine." I responded.
  "What caused the panic attack last night?" she asked me and I swallowed my saliva.
  "Overthinking." I simply responded. "I see.." she said. "Was it something specific, or just random thoughts?"
   "Random thoughts." I answered and swallowed again and I felt my throat dry.
  "Excuse me, can I please get a cup of water please?" I asked Iori. "Of course." she said.
  She took the telephone that was connected with the secretariat telephone in her hands.
  "Mihi, can you please bring a cup of water in my office? Thank you." she said and hung up.
  "You know Taehyung, I'm curious about your ex girlfriend." she said and my eyes widened. "What do you wanna know?" I asked and tried to seem calm.
   "I have to know pretty much everything so I can help you completely and be sure that you'll be fine without my help afterwards. I guess you already know that there's no cure about your condition." she told me and I nodded. "Yes, I do know." I said.
  We then heard a knock on the door. It was Mihi with the cup of water I asked for. "Here you go." she said and placed the cup of water on Iori's desk and then left her office.
  I took the cup and drank all of it with one breath and she didn't say anything. I placed the cup back at the desk and looked at her.
  My adam's appple was visible and I was gulping all the time because of stress. She noticed and repeated her words more calmly.
  "Her name was Lee Hyunjae. We were in the same class in high school. We started dating when we were seniors and broke up 2 years after. One day I got a phone call from her brother and he told me that she's dead. Me and her brother used to be really close friends but he suddenly stoped talking to me. To be honest, I still don't know till this day why he called me. To let me know? I'm not sure since we never spoke again after that call." I said and she noted every single word just like last time.
  "That's odd." she commented and I nodded. What I said was true actually with the only detail that I knew the reason behind her death.
  "How did you felt after the phone call?" she asked me. "Empty." I answered monotonously and she nodded.
  "Is this maybe the reason behind all the panic attacks you've been getting?" I shrugged and she sighed. 
  "I'm sorry for the question that I'm about to make but why did you guys broke up?" she asked me while looking into my eyes, waiting for an answer.
  "She was cheating on me, she did that a couple of times and we had a huge fight after. I knew she was cheating on me but I never said anything. Until the day that I found them fucking in my own house. I gave her some spare keys so she can come whenever she wants but I guess that was a bad idea. One day I remember her talking with someone on the phone and she called him 'babe' and 'love', nicknames that she never called me. I then thought she was talking to her best friend so I let it pass. But later I finally managed to put the pieces of the puzzle together. She indeed gave me hints and made me realize how stupid I was." I finally let those words out of my chest.
  The knot that I had in my stomach was slowly loosen, but it will probably never be completely untied.
  She stood up from her chair, she approached me, bent down and grabbed the box with tissues.
  She took a tissue and wiped my tears which I hadn't realized I had and that they were flowing towars my jaw. Why was I even crying at the first place? It's been years since then.
  "Taehyung, let it out, whatever you have locked inside of you. Open the cage and let out every deep thought you have that makes you miserable." she told me while her hand was on my shoulder, comforting me. She was looking at me in the eyes and she was talking from inside her heart, I could feel that.
  She made me feel better but I don't think that's how a psychologist and patient's relationship should be. She's not allowed to be so close to me and comfort me the way she does.
  I think she doesn't really care about the rules and she does everything she does because she truly want to help.
  I eventually stopped crying. But the sad part is that if I'll let everything out it'll be over.
  I'll go to jail, for once and for all. I'm afraid of this. I'm aware this will happen and it terrifies me.
  Iori came to a conclusion that probably the break up was the reason of Hyunnjae's death but she didn't share her thoughts with me and left me clueless.
  An alarm suddenly started echoing through the room and we both jumped. It was the alarm that meant that the meeting is over.
  "I usually give my personal phone number to my patients after the third or forth meeting but I guess you got it from Jin." she said and I chuckled. "Yeah, I did." I answered.
  "It will sound weird but would you like to go out with me?" she asked and that shocked me actually.
  That's definitely not how a psychologist and a patient's relationship is. That's totally against the rules.
  Don't get me wrong. She seems like a nice girl. She's kind and friendly but that's probably just professionalism. Jin has been talking about her non stop. "I know you like her deep down" is what he tells me from yesterday but I really don't.
  I don't have feelings for her, at least yet. But I guess she feels something for me, I don't know what though.
  She liked my trauma?
  My disorder?
  What did she like about me?
  "Do you ask that to all of your patients?" I asked her playfully while smirking at her. "What? No!" she said and laughed.
  "Well, I have your number. I'll give you a call when I'll decide." I answered her while playing it cool. "Awesome, I'll wait." she said before I left her office.

***

  "Are you stupid? Why didn't you say yes?" Jin asked me.
  "This is your chance to start something new after so long, don't let that chance pass." Namjoon said. "Guys are you sure?" I asked scared. "I don't want to be hurt." I answered honestly.
   "Iori is an amazing girl. She and my younger sister were friends so she used to visit our house every single day. We lost contact since I moved with you. Let me tell you that she's funny, clever and an amazing person to be around. She also cooks." Jin told me.
  "See? You should definitely give her a shot. You never know." Namjoon said.
  "Guys, I'm not looking for a wife. I don't really want to start a relationship either." I told them.
  "You'll get to know eachother first and then you'll decide about this." Jin said and I said a simple okay.
  "Well? Will you call her?" Namjoon asked and I sighed while nodding. "Yay!" they both said and Jin handed me the phone with a smile.
  "C'mon do it now." he said and I answered "Fine." kinda annoyed.
  "Hello?" she answered the phone.
  "Hey, it's Taehyung."
  "Hey. Did you decide?" she said with an obvious smile on her face, I could feel it.
  "Yeah I did. What time do you leave work?" I asked smoothly. "I leave work at 8." she said excited, even Jin and Namjoon heard her and laughed.
  "Great, I'll be there to pick you up." I said and the guys did a thumbs up gesture.
  "Cool, see you tomorrow. Bye." she said and I hang up the phone and found Namjoon with Jin smiling like idiots, that made me smile back.