Stigma || KTH

02 Daegu

I walked to this specific place and sat down on the ground. It was dirty and it soiled my clothes but that was the last thing that I could care about.
"Hi grandma." I whispered soflty and touched the ground and caress it as if it was a hand that I wanted to touch so desperately.
"Missed me?" I asked and chuckled. So many happy memories with her vanished within seconds.
"How have you been?" I asked and smiled to myself.
"Grandma," I said and sniffed. I started tearing up to the thought of my grandmother seeing me like this.
"It's getting worse. I already know there is no treatment but I'm taking medication. I'm trying my best to get better, just to make you proud." I paused to breathe since I was out of breath.
"You left and I never got the chance to make you proud, not even once. I'm aware that I need help but I'm not strong enough to face my own problems. I'm weak, grandma. But I'm trying to change, I really want to get better."
I sniffed and wiped my own tears. It almost felt like she was doing it for me.
"I know that what I do is unbelievable. If you were here you would scold me, hit me, even kick me out of the house. I would accept every punishment." I said and bowed all the way down and my head hit the ground. I respect her more than anyone. The only woman I ever trusted.
She tried her best to raise me but still I came out like this. A boy with a heartbreak trauma who also has bipolar disorder. I kill women my age because of this trauma. It sucks but that has been me for a while now.
It hurts to say I got used to it but I really did. You can't imagine how much hate I have for myself. I have no self control.
When I was young I was completely disgusted by the people who commited these kind of crimes.
When I did it myself it felt so bad, so wrong. I cried for hours. I tried to kill myself too and as you can tell I failed since I'm still here.
I'm afraid of trying new things such as relationships, trips, hobbys etc. I convinced myself to do this trip and come back to my hometown, to relax. To be completely honest, I wanted to visit the cemetery and talk to grandma more than anything.
I stayed there and talked to her for a little more, updating her for what she missed from my life since the last time I visited her and then I left the forest and walked back to my apartment.
After quite a while I opened the door of my apartment and my dog Tan came happily to greet me.
"Hey buddy!" I told him with a smile on my face, not a genuine one but whatever came out. I sat down on the floor and petted his head for a little, he was happily shaking his tail and was licking my face.
After I took off my dirty clothes from earlier and brushed my teeth I went straight to bed because I was exhausted and he followed me.
I sat on my bed and he did the same. I patted the spot next to me so he can sleep there. He sat and laid down beside me. I hugged him and after a while my eyes started to get heavy.

***

I woke up by Tan licking my face and I started laughing, he always makes my day with his happy personality. He stopped and got off of bed. My head felt so heavy and the headache was killing me.
I checked the time and it was 11 AM, I sighed and went to the kitchen. I grabbed a mug and poured some coffee in it. I took the remote control and opened the television.

"...Police is speculating that a possible serial killer may have struck again."

The reporter said and I sat down on my couch and turned up the volume to hear better what he was about to say. Tan found his comfortable spot and sat on my lap.

"We've all heard so many families that are mourning over senseless and random killing in South Korea the past few weeks, mostly in Seoul. Τhere are too many denunciations and disapperances of people. Unfortunately, yesterday we had one as well but this time in Daegu.
It was shortly before 1 am when police received a call from a girl named Park Yeona, who had been trying to find her 21 year old friend Cho Areum, really worried about her condition.
The police located her body next to the bus stop she usually takes the bus from with a wound on her stomach which, as the medical examiners informed us, was the reason for her instant death. The girl's funeral will be held tomorrow at 10 AM."

I muted the television and just stared at the screen with no emotion on my face. The phone suddenly started ringing and I checked the caller ID before picking up.
"Hey." I said monotonously when I answered the phone.
"It was you right?" he asked in a serious tone. I simply answered with a 'yes'.
"Again?" That's the word that I expected to hear but wished I wouldn't. "How many times do I have to tell you that you have to stop doing this? We have discussed it countless times and you continue the same!" he said and sighed.
I know he's right, of course I do. I just can't stop myself.
"Why do you keep doing this?" he asked me and then a knot formed in my stomach.
I paused and I felt like someone wouldn't let me breath. It felt like he had his palms around my neck, squeezing it tightly.
"At least tell me you will try to stop because I bet you can't promise." he said and I sighed again. "Okay." I told him, my voice barely leaving my mouth.
"Good." he answered me.
"When will you come back?" he asked. "I'll be there tomorrow at noon so I can eat with you guys." I answered him.
"Fine by me. See you tomorrow Tae." he said.
"Bye Jimin." I said before hanging up the phone.