Stigma || KTH

04 Psychotherapy

  I still cannot believe that I actually agreed to go to psychotherapy. Jin has his ways of persuading me.
  It was 1 PM and Jin was talking on the phone with a girl who happens to be a psychologist and Jin's friend. My day couldn't get any better.
  "Okay Iori see you soon, bye." Jin said and hang up the phone. I was sitting on the couch and he came and sat next to me.
  "Alright, I booked an appointment for this afternoon so you need to get ready young man." he said and I groaned in annoyance.
  He sometimes acts like he's my dad.
  "It's early, I don't have to dress up at 1 PM when my appointment is in 6 hours." I told him. "Hush boy." he said and stood up.
  He just can't admit he's wrong. Ugh, this guy is testing my patience.
T

his morning I went out and bought a newspaper from a convenience store nearby.
  The girl's death made the headlines of all South Korean newspapers, as I saw which made me feel weird. It's the first time this happens and I'm terrified of being found.

***

  "Good evening, we are here for the appointment with Ms Sakoh iori." Jin said politely to the receptionist.
  "Yes just a second." she said and typed somethig fast on her keyboard.
  "Kim Taehyung right?" she asked politely and I nodded my head awkwardly.
  "Great, her office is this way." she pointed at the firm brown door next to the waiting room.
  "Thank you." Jin said and bowed out of respect.
  We approached the door and Jin knocked a couple of times before a sweet voice said "Come in."
  We stepped inside the office and Iori was sitting across the door.
  "Welcome." she said politely and bowed.
  "Jin! Long time no see!" she told him with a big smile on her face and Jin smiled back and they made a friendly handshake.
  "Hello Taehyung, please come in and sit." she showed me the comfortable couch and I sat down across her.
  "Jin, I'm sorry but you have to step outside, you can wait him in the waiting room if you'd like." Jin nodded.
  "Of course. Iori, It was nice meeting you." he said. "Me too! Goodbye." she said.
  "Taehyung, I'll be outside in the waiting room, okay?" Jin said and then he left the office and closed the door behind him.
  Her office was large enough to be considered a studio apartment.
  Maybe I'm exaggerating a bit.
  The walls were painted a soft beige that from a distance you could also mistake it for white. The window was closed and the radiators were running with the room temperature being just right for such cold weather.
  As soon as I entered this space I smelled mint, maybe it was basil. I don't deal much with these things anymore, I don't have time, but I'm not an all-knowing person either. However, a quite welcoming smell.
  The office also had these little details that make someone relax and feel comfortable when they're entering. She had put some small pots with different types of cacti, yes I'm not an all-knower but I know them anyway.
  Lots of books and above all diplomas pinned up in various parts of the room which surprisingly didn't make the place look loaded.
  Besides diplomas, it also had some works of art that I immediately recognized as soon as I stepped inside. I immediately recognized "The Luncheon: Monet's Garden at Argenteuil" and Van Gogh's "Sunflowers". I didn't recognize the others since I'm not Namjoon who's obsessed with art in general.
  There was also a comfortable dark blue sofa where the patients sit. Directly opposite the sofa was Iori's wooden desk with a simple black chair. I noticed a box of tissues on her desk and it made me wonder why do I have a feeling like I'll need this box one day.
  After checking the place one last time I realised she did a good job decorating the place.
  "So Taehyung, how are you? How was your day so far?" she asked while checking some files she had on her desk and I rolled my eyes. "Fine." That answer didn't stop her and she kept asking me questions even when she saw that I wasn't in the mood.
  "What did you do today?" she then looked at me. "Jin woke me up at 10 am. I ate breakfast, I went outside and walked around as I usually do with my dog and then played some video games until lunch time. And now here I am." I said.
  "Great." she smiled at me.
  "Have you done anything exciting the past week?" she asked me and then a cold sweat washed over my body and I looked completely nervous. I immediately thought of the victim that I killed the other day and my hands started trembling.
  I've killed before and it's the first time I'm this nervous. Not even my first kill was this stressful.
  She noticed the nervousness and she knew that something was off. "Is something wrong?" she asked me with curiousity. I brushed off a question immediately and I talked to her about my visit to the cemetary.
  "I visited the cemetary my grandparents are burried in." and her smile faded completely.
  "I'm sorry for your loss." she said and I shook my head. "No, that's okay." I said and smiled and her smile came back. "Tell me some things that make you happy."
  "Well, I like hanging out with my friends." I said that and she wrote that down on one of the papers. It really felt like I was a 12-year-old kid and I was writing an essay at school.
  "I know these questions may seem childish to you but since it's your first time here I had to make them." she said and clapped her hands.
  "And now that we're finished, please tell me the reason you're here." she said and I sighed.
  "I searched once about the symptoms that I have and I realised that I may have bipolar disorder." I answered her honestly and calmly this time.
  "And what kind of symtoms do you have?" she asked me while writing on the paper in front of her.
  "Well I have insomnia, thoughts of death and suicide, mood swings, panic attacks and poor concentration, I sometimes have halluciantions too." She raised her eyebrow. "What kind of hallucinations exactly?" she asked while writing down every single word I said.
  I stayed there silent, I can't tell her, she'll think I'm crazy. She can lock me up in a psychiatric hospital if she wants too. "It's okay if you don't want to answer." she said and moved on to her next question.
  She asked me if I had any past trauma. "You don't have to answer that either if you don't feel comfortable enough, of course."
  She could read me like and open book and that made me more nervous than I already was.
  I immediately thought of this girl.
  Hyunjae.
  My first relationship and my first ever victim.
  She could tell that I was extremely nervous so she tried her best not to push me. I wanted to help myself.
  "You know, the thoughts of my ex triggers me sometimes." I said out of the blue and she raised her eyebrow again. "Have you guys kept in touch?" Oh god how do I say this?
  "Actually, she's dead." Her eyes widened because I don't think she expected something that deep.
  "May I ask how? Do you know the reason behind her death?" she asked and I looked down. When I lie to someone, I just can't look at their eyes while saying it, it makes me feel like I will screw everything up.
  "Possible suicide. We still don't know neither the reason nor the way. Her family wanted to keep that private." I said and then met her eyes again. Her face was hard to read.
  "I'm really sorry for everything you've been through Taehyung." I nodded to her saying "It's fine." We kept talking but not for long since the appointment came to an end and I had to go.
  I got tired, it made me feel like I was in an audition and I had to answer some type of a quiz.
  "Thank you so much for opening up to me I hope I'll see you again. And of course the first appointment is free." she said and stood up wearing a polite smile that made me smile back.
  I stood up too said my goodbyes, left her office and closed the door behind me with the smile still on my face.
  Jin heard the door opening and stood up from his seat. "Hey, how did it go?" he asked. He saw my smile and smiled back.
  "Meh, it was okay. She was nice though." I said and Jin nodded. "Good to hear." he said. "You'll tell me the details in the car. Let's go." he said and touched my shoulder softly.
  We were about to leave when the door of Iori's office opened and revealed her trying to find us.
  "Jin!" she shouted to get Jin's attention.
  "Can you come in for a second please?" she asked with this sweet smile you couldn't say no.
  "Sure. Tae wait here, I'll be back in a little." I nodded and he stepped inside her office.

***

  "What did she want?" I asked him. He didn't leave his gaze from the road, he just answered me saying "I'll tell you when we'll be back." I said nothing and just turned my gaze back to the road.
  "You didn't mention she's Japanese by the way." I said and he smiled. The traffic light turned red so he was able to look at me. "Sorry, didn't know you would be intrested." he said and giggled. My eyes widen. "Hey!
  That's not what I meant!" He made fun of me and we both started laughing.
  Basically, when you leave me and Jin alone you'll find us a laughing mess, he is never getting boring.