A Heart That Beats True

January (Part 2)

DISCLAIMER: as you know, this story is absolutely fictional and so are the characters!

There is a very tiny, almost insignificant difference between loving someone and being in love with them, or so he has learned in the past few months. He hates to be that man and compare what he feels now to how he felt years ago, but sadly, it is out of his hands to do so.

He didn't know Hande when she dated Murat, she has made it clear several times that by the time that she met Kerem, her relationship with her ex had reached a point where they just weren't happy.

They talked about their past months ago, before they even kissed at her house that night that changed everything, when they were still friends that were inseparable, trying not to fall for each other but failing completely.

But he wonders how different their relationship was to what Kerem and Hande now have, he mostly wonders because it is so different what he has had in the past.

Sue him, he's curious.

He always wants more, so he wants know if she feels the same way.

***

"I mean, I loved him." She's trying to be as honest as she can, even if sometimes saying it out loud makes her nervous. She isn't dumb, whatever they have at the moment can become something else, but that's her favorite part about Kerem; he makes her feel safe to say and do whatever she feels. "We were engaged, you know? Our engagement lasted all of two days."

Kerem frowns at that, shifting uncomfortably as he sits on the floor, his back leaning against the coffee table in the living room while they share some of the cookies that he made at his apartment.

"But you never...announced it?"

Hande thinks about it for a second, almost as if trying to find the right words to explain herself. "Do you ever agree to something that you aren't really sure that you want just to make other people happy."

It doesn't take him long to shake his head, his eyes not leaving her face even as Hande looks down. Of course he doesn't know, if she has learned something is that Kerem doesn't care what people think; he does what he does, he loves who he loves.

"Murat is ten years older than me, I don't know if you knew that." Hande begins, almost as if she wants him to understand. "He was married once before, we had been together for three years. All I could think was...if I had been with him for that long, surely getting married made sense, it was the next step for any regular relationship. I think he proposed because he knew that we weren't doing good, you know? We weren't as happy as we used to, we weren't who we used to be."

"So, it wasn't a one-sided break up? It wasn't just you who stopped feeling that way?" Kerem asks gently.

Hande looks down at her lap, shrugging. "No...I mean, yes, it was. He knew it wasn't the same, but he didn't want to let go...he said we could work on it. And I just said no, I didn't want to keep doing it. It was exhausting, and I just...You know, I think when he proposed I realized it would never change. I know that I'm supposed to feel a certain a way with someone to be with them for the rest of my life and it just...wasn't like that with Murat. It never was."

He is studying her face as she finally looks up at him, locking their eyes and reaching over to take a cookie from the plate that was placed right next to his head before she speaks up again, "I guess I didn't want to believe that love felt like that...I think love has to feel like you can't get enough, like you can't breathe without them."