as long as i'm here / / billie eilish

chapter 18 - nightmares come true

when we arrived at home Billie and i headed to her room immediately. Maggie started cooking dinner. it was 10 o'clock.

"mom is making us food. do you wanna take a bath before than?" she asked me and i let out a small okay.

she went to the bathroom to prepare the bath and i laid on her bed, curled in a fetus position. i felt horrible for putting her whole family into this. i knew i was gonna hurt her sooner or later. and i did it. i was sure this hurt her a lot. i could see it. she seemed so worried. i didn't want her to worry about me all the time.

"you good?" she asked when she got out of the bathroom and sat next to me.

"stop asking this question" i whispered facing the wall.

"sorry, you're right" she apologised "the bath is ready. do you want me to join you?"

"please"

we got up from the bed and went into the bathroom. i sat on the toilet lid and she help me take my clothes off. she took hers off as well and got into the bath. i sat in between her legs.

the moment was so depressing i couldn't even think about how hot she is or how i'm usually turned on when i sit in between her legs. at that moment i was just numb. Billie was my girlfriend and i liked her a lot but i couldn't stand seeing her getting through any kind of pain because of me.

"sorry for putting you through all this bullshit" i whispered and rested my head on her chest. she wrapped her arms around me and held me tight. "don't ever say that again"

"Billie you don't understand, i can see that this whole situation hurt you and it's all my fault. you are in pain because of me. i told you it's hard to date someone when they're in the wrong mindset"

"baby, you're my girlfriend and i would do anything for you. that's why we have each other. well, yeah i am hurt because it sucks to see you in so much pain but i really want to help you"

i turned around so i could face her. "dating me ruins you, don't you get it?" i said raising my voice slightly. "you can't fix me".

she sat up and wrapped her arms around be, pulling me in for a tight hug. "i know you had a hard day today but that's exactly why you have your girlfriend. i'm here to help you and take care of you. i love doing this for you, i love being by your side. please don't even feel like you're a burden to me"

"i know but it's just-" i paused for a second, trying to find the right words. "sometimes it's hard for me to accept this kind of words. it's hard to believe that people actually care, you know?"

"i know baby, it's okay. now come here and lay on me". i sat in between her legs again and closed my eyes trying to relax. she started massaging my scalp and i finally felt safe. i had missed this feeling.

after we finished with our bath we got dressed and joined her parents for dinner. even though i had stayed with them for a few weeks it was the most awkward dinner ever. no one wanted to brought up what had happened earlier and tried to talk about random stuff. i felt so guilty for putting an entire family into this.

we went to Billie's room when we were done with our food.

"Skylar" she called me when i sat on her bed. she was standing in front of me. "the Doctor at the hospital told me you need to start therapy as soon as possible"

"yeah, i know" i muttered.

"i called my old therapist, Mr. Olszanski, and he said he can see you tomorrow morning if you want"

"that would be nice, thank you Bil". i didn't dare to stare at her. my gaze was focused on some random item on the floor.

"of course baby. you have to be there at 11. i'll drive you there"

"can we go to sleep now? i'm tired" i asked because i wanted to avoid any questions about what i did. i didn't want to talk about it.

"of course" she laid in bed with me and held me tight. my head was on her chest and her hands were running up and down my back, massaging it. i slowly drifted to sleep.

_________

"i hate you for putting me though this. look at what you've done Skylar. you hurt me, i'm in so much pain. i can't stand it anymore, i'm sorry" Billie yelled at me. she was standing at the edge of that bridge i tried to jump off a few weeks ago. she had a gun on her hand.

"don't do it Billie please. if someone has to do it, it's me" i screamed but she placed the gun on her head. "don't pull the fucking trigger. don't point your head. kill me. i deserve it. don't hurt yourself because of me please"

"i'm sorry but you destroyed me Skylar". she closed her eyes and pulled the trigger.

"Billie don't do this" i yelled and opened my eyes. i was still in her bed and she had just woken up next to me because of my screams. there were no bridges, no guns. i hugged her tight and sobbed in her arms. "i'm sorry" i kept saying again and again.

"shhh, it was just a bad dream Skylar. you're okay now, don't worry" she spoke softly.

"it wasn't just a dream" i cried. "i'm scared it's gonna be real soon"

"what do you mean?" she asked confused.

i stopped for a second and debated whether i should tell her the truth. i decided not to do it because i didn't want her to worry more than she already did.

"it was just that therapy was awful and the therapist kept insulting me and shit" i lied.

"you don't have do worry about that baby. i've been seeing Mr. Olszanski for years and he is amazing at his job, plus i'll be at the waiting room all the time. go to sleep now. you need to rest"

"goodnight baby, sorry to wake you up"

"it's okay Skylar, goodnight" she said and kissed my forehead.

_________

i woke up at the sound of Billie's alarm clock. it was 9:30am. i was honestly surprised we woke up so early because Billie isn't much of a morning person.

"good morning" she said with a raspy voice.

"good morning Bil"

Maggie had made breakfast for us and left it in the kitchen. her and Patrick had left the house earlier. after we finished eating we went to get ready.

i was brushing my teeth when Billie entered the bathroom without knocking.

"you wanna go see Finneas and Claudia after therapy?" she asked.

"it depends" i answered "if we talk about what happened yesterday, no but if no one mentions a word, yes let's go"

"i'm sure they understand how sensitive the topic is and won't say a word but if you ever feel ready, we may need to talk about this. the two of us"

"not yet though" i mumbled.

we both put on fresh clothes and got in her car. she said the therapy centre was just 15 minutes away. i kept my eyes closed for the whole ride, not wanting to face the reality.

the car stopped.

"we're here"

A/N: sorry for being kind of inactive guys but i am hella busy with school exams these weeks. i finish school on june 11st so i will have more time to write and post after this.

thank you for voting, commenting, adding to your read lists etc.