Changes

13

Soft lips. Gentle hands on my face. Lips moving on mine.

Zac?

I'm in his room, at his parents house. He's kissing me, and...I'm kissing back? I'm clutching his jacket to keep him close.

"Zac-" I start, but his lips are on mine again, and I'm kissing him back. What's happening?

Zac suddenly grows taller, morphing into Ryder. We're in the grocery store, and Ryder has me pressed against the wall, kissing me roughly, my fingers twisted in his shirt.

But suddenly he's pulled away from me.

"Carlos?" I whisper. He's in front of me, and I don't know where we are anymore. An old looking house. Ryder's gone.

He frowns at me. I hate when he frowns. "Are you replacing me?"

"What? No. I could never."

"Oh yeah? Well, what about him?"

He points behind him, where I see Jackson.

"No...no, I didn't, I promise."

"Did you replace me?" Jackson asks.

"No. No, I didn't, I wouldn't, Jackson, I promise, I won't."

"But you like them." He says. "I guess it makes sense that you wouldn't want the guy dying in the hospital."

"Jackson-"

He slowly disappears, and I try to reach for him, but I can't.

"Jackson, no! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to, I promise..."

But he's gone.

Carlos shakes his head at me, disappearing, too. I realize I'm crying when he's gone. I drop to my knees, shaking and crying.

I don't know what's happening. I don't know why it's happening.

Someone yanks my head up suddenly, and I meet Aaron's eyes.

He snarls when I try to move away from him. His hand tightens in my hair. "I just wanted to talk to you. Don't you love me?"

I gasp as his foot lands on my stomach. I double over in pain, tears falling down my face. He kicks me again, yanking my hair.

"STOP!" I scream. "PLEASE!"

He kicks me again, releasing my hair. I try to stand, but he shoves me to the ground, pulling a knife from his pocket.

My eyes widen as he presses the knife to my wrist. It's not a deep cut, it won't leave a scar. But it still stings, and brings more tears to my eyes.

"Shut up." He snaps, slapping me.

He yanks my shirt up, and presses the blade to my stomach. This one cuts deep, and I cry out, trying to push him away.

"What's wrong, Jake?" He says. Blood seeps from the cut, and I try to stop it. "You love me, don't you?"

"Jake. Jake. Jake. Jake!"

My eyes fly open. Micah and Zac are looking at me with worried faces. I'm trembling and crying, and Zac reaches for my hand, but I flinch away. I see the hurt in his eyes, but look away.

"Zac," Micah says quietly. "Can you go get Lio?"

He nods, getting off the bed, and sliding out the door. Micah frowns as I sit up, pressing my shaking hands to my legs. "W-What happened?"

"You fell asleep in here." He says. "I didn't want to wake you. You woke us up, you kept saying you didn't do something, then you started yelling and shaking. Are you okay?"

I take a breath, closing my eyes. "Nightmare."

"What happened?"

I don't answer. I can't tell him.

Lio appears in the doorway, only in a loose pair of sweatpants.

"Jake, are you okay?" He asks as he walks over. Micah closes the door behind him, and Lio sits beside me.

I swallow. "I'm fine-"

"No you aren't." He says gently. "You've been panicking a lot lately. Please talk to me, Jake. I just want to make sure you're alright."

I nod, looking down at the bed. "Okay."

"What happened?"

"I-I didn't tell you, but...when I was with Zac at the party, to calm me down, he kissed me."

He lifts an eyebrow. "He kissed you?"

"He apologized, and said he hadn't known what to do. He said Ryder, Finn, and Micah would understand why he did it. And then...at the grocery store...Ryder kissed me to calm me down."

He tilts his head. "So, both of them kissed you. What's wrong with that?"

I tell him about the dream I had. He frowns when I tell him about what Aaron did.

"Jake, did Aaron hurt you?" He says.

I bite my lip, nodding.

"Why didn't you tell me?" He asks.

"I didn't want you to worry." I mumble.

"Jake, if he was hurting you, then I should be worrying. He's the one who left that scar on your stomach?"

He did. It looks like an arrow pointing towards my belly button. I could only hide it from Lio for so long, but I didn't tell him what it was from.

"I don't want to talk about him right now." I say quietly.

"Jake, this is serious-"

"Please."

He sighs. "Okay. What do you think about your nightmare?"

"I don't know."

"Do you like Zac and Ryder?"

I look down. "I don't know."

"Jake, it's okay if you like them."

"But Jackson-"

"You're not trying to replace him. I know that's what you think, but liking someone else isn't replacing him."

Isn't it, though?

"I don't know if I like them." I say.

Lio taps his fingers on his knees. "Ari told me once that dreams are unconsciously repressed wishes or wants. So-if they're right-you want to kiss Ryder and Zac again, and you're sure Jackson's going to..."

"Die?"

He sighs. "Yes. Jake, it's fine to like them. They're two cute boys that you're living with. You haven't seen Jackson, or heard any news about him, and you think you're moving on. It's okay."

"But it doesn't matter if I like them or not." I say. "They're with Finn and Micah, and none of them like me like that. What am I supposed to do?"

"You don't have to do anything about it." He says. "But it's okay for you to love again."

"But what if I do?" I whisper. "What if I do, and the same thing happens?"

He sighs. "I don't know. But you've got to at least try."