Changes

21

I run.

I don't know why, or where, I just run.

I can hear people calling me, and feet pounding after me, but I'm fast when I want to be. And I want to be alone right now.

Gone. He's gone. He's not coming back. Never. I didn't even get to say goodbye.

Faces spiral through my head.

Carlos. Jackson. Gone. Dead. They're dead. They left me. Everyone always leaves me.

I don't know where I am. I don't know where I'm going. My bare feet pound on the ground as I run. They hurt, but I don't stop.

Gone, gone, gone, gone. They left me, they're gone, I never said goodbye.

I'm crying-I can't stop. I wipe tears from my cheeks but they keep coming. All I can see is blurred trees, but I don't know where I am.

They don't love me, they wouldn't have left if they did, it's my fault, I should've tried harder, it's all my fault.

I fall to my knees, wrapping my arms around myself, sobbing.

They're gone, they're gone, I'm never going to see him again.

I can't breathe.

They're dead, they aren't coming back, it's my fault.

I'm fumbling with my phone-I think I'm calling someone, but I can't see anything.

He's gone.

I can hear a voice in my ear, words jumbled. I'm breathing hard, tears streaming down my face.

Dead, Gone, Him, Carlos, Jackson, Dead, My fault, Dead, Jackson, Goodbye, Dead.

I'm talking to someone through my sobs-I can't make out the name on the screen, or what I'm saying.

They're gone, he's gone, I'll never see them again.

When I finally stop crying, I scrub at my eyes, and take in my surroundings. I'm on my knees in a grassy clearing, surrounded by trees. It's getting dark, but I can see fine.

Oh.

I'm at the spot we used to go to. I haven't been back since what happened with Carlos.

This is where Carlos left what he buried.

I look around. Where could he have buried it? It's been four years-the grass has grown back over the spot.

"Jake? Jake, where are you?"

Tim?

I stand as he appears at the top of the path. I go over, and wrap my arms around him, crying into his shirt.

"Oh-we're at the hugging point. Okay. Hi. Are you okay?"

I shake my head, and his arms come around me to pull me closer.

"What happened?"

I tell him. I tell him about what I read, and about Jackson. I'm crying again, but he lets me hug him without complaint.

"Let's go somewhere else, okay? I'll take you back to my apartment. Have you gotten any sleep?"

I shake my head, wiping my eyes. "No. I was trying to, but I couldn't sleep."

"Come on," He says. "I live close by."

I nod, letting him lead me to the path. While we're walking, my phone starts buzzing, and I pull it out of my pocket. There are a lot of texts.

"It's 10:00?" I exclaim. I've been gone for almost two hours.

Ryder: Jake, where are you?

Zac: Are you okay?

Lio: Jake, where are you?

Finn: Are you alright?

Lio: Please answer.

Micah: Are you okay?

Lio: Jake, please just let me know you're okay.

Ari: Lio told me what happened. Are you okay?

Finn: Jake, please come back, we're all worried.

Ryder: Please answer us.

Lio: Jake, please don't hurt yourself.

Zac: Jake, you're scaring us, just tell us you're okay.

There are lots more. It seems like Lio texted every minute, and I feel bad for worrying him, and all the others. I don't want to go back yet.

Jackson's gone. Now I HAVE to date Zac, Finn, Ryder, and Micah.

No. I don't have to. But what if that's what they'll expect? He's the only reason they hadn't said anything. Now they have no reason not to date me.

"Jake,"

Tim pulls my phone out of my hand, and glances at the screen. "Do you want me to call one of them? To tell them you're okay."

"I don't want to go back right now." I say quietly.

"That's okay. I won't tell them where you are."

I nod. He presses a few buttons, then the phone rings. I look over to see who he called. Lio.

He picks up on the first ring.

"Jake? Are you okay? Where are you?"

Tim makes a face. He doesn't really like Lio. "It's not Jake."

"What? Why do you have his phone? What happened to him?"

"He's fine. He's staying with me."

"Who are you?"

"A friend."

I hear people talking in the background, then Lio says, "Timothy?"

"Yep. He's perfectly fine, just tired. He'll talk to you when he wants to."

"Where is he?"

"He's fine. He just doesn't want to go back right now."

"What? Are you-"

"What? Sorry, can't hear you. What?"

Tim hangs up, and hands the phone back to me.

"That was rude," I tell him.

He shrugs. "I don't like him."

We reach the end of the trail, and my phone rings again. I decline it, but text Lio and Finn.

Me: I'm fine, I promise. I just need some time.

I turn my phone off.