Noel Khan Do It!

Acceptance

It's been six months now. Sean refuses to talk to me. My friends have tried to be supportive but they slowly faded out of my life. I tried to apologize to Sean; to beg for his forgiveness but he won't even look at me. I thought everything was going to end now. I thought I would just live forever in am empty dark abyss. I had lost all hope. That's why I am here.

It's called Camp Gay Away. It's where parents and family members send their children to be "straightened" out. I know what you're going to say, "Noel shouldn't you be embracing the new you?" and "Come on! Don't be a self hating gay!" but the truth is I don't want to do anything other than exist. I just want Sean back. I want my friends back. I want everything back to the way it was. That's why I'm spending my summer here instead of on a beach or something.

The camp itself isn't that bad. There are very friendly people here. Everyone feels the same so we all support each other. The councilors even go as far as trying to help us build our self esteem to accept who we are. If you ask me, it's more of a get away camp for gays. I met someone who has been very nice to me and has kept me fairly entertained here as well. His name is Nathan St. Germain. He's just as smart as Sean and just as sexy.

That's another thing. This camp has a lot of really cute guys. Some are even hot. The first week I was here I was in such a funk that I didn't want to even loom at anyone else. I thought about Sean almost all the time. Now it takes a lot to distract me from looking at these guys. Nathan though is by far the sexiest of them all. His eyes are so warm and inviting that you end up telling him everything. In fact, Nathan knows more about me than any else I know.

Tonight is going to be the night. Nathan and I are going to sneak off for a romantic rendezvous. We talked about it for a while and both agreed that this is the best and only opportunity we'll have to do so. I want to give Nathan a part of me that so far only Sean had. Maybe I am setting myself up to get hurt again but who knows? Maybe this will be the deciding factor in whether I accept who I am or revert back to who I was. Either way though, Nathan makes me feel safe. I miss that.

As the day draws to a close and the night slowly creeps in, Nathan and I share a kiss. Our lips meet and sparks ignite between the two of us. Never have I experienced this feeling. It was more than love. It was trust. I trust Nathan with every bit of my body and soul. He pulls away and looks at me with a grin on his face. His teeth bright and perfect reminded me momentarily of Sean's.

"Noel," he starts with a warm look in his eyes. "I have never known a guy like you. You are truly one in a million." We kiss one last time before going our separate ways back to our bunks. As I walk back along the stone carved path, my heart starts to beat so quickly I thought I was going to die. Nathan is the one. I can feel it. Between his down to earth demeanor and his eyes, I think it's safe to say I'm in love.

When I get back to my bunk I crawl onto the bed and thought about the past six months. Everything just fell apart for me after Sean left. My social life shot itself in the face and my grades suffered. Although let's be honest, my grades were never stellar to begin with. Things went sour quickly. I wonder what Sean is doing right now? Is he happy? Has he moved on? Then something hit me. Have I really moved on from Sean? I didn't want to at first but it seems like I have.

I hate that I've become this person. I hate that I now care about my feelings as well as others. Don't get me wrong, I was like this earlier not to the point of second guessing myself. I guess being blackmailed and humiliated by "A" really helped. Now that I think about it maybe I won! "A" hasn't contacted me at all these past few months. Is this a sign that I don't have to play that twisted game again?

I lay my head down and close my eyes. All this thinking has really made me tired and I can't take it anymore. I just want to sleep and meet Nathan in my dreams. Tomorrow is going to be the day. We are going to get to know each other much more intimately. No pressure is being placed yet so maybe that means this is natural and meant to be. In any case I let myself drift off to sleep in order to give my brain a chance to rest. Thinking is very stressful and so is analyzing everything.

When I wake up, I realized that Nathan and I did not do what I planned for us to do. I wanted to make hot love to him. Our bodies should have been rubbing against each other in an attempt to create enough friction to start a fire. I lay there thinking about how our time together. Whenever I'm around him, I can't seem to remember what my plans or intentions were before I got there. It's beyond okay though because he makes everything extremely entertaining for me. I giggle to myself before hopping out of bed and head to the sink.

Everyone in my cabin is still asleep which means that I haven't missed breakfast yet. I quickly get ready and pull on my Lacrosse sweater and walk towards the mess hall. Seconds after I leave the cabin, I hear the rest of my bunk mates waking up and rushing to not miss breakfast. The morning bell rings from the hill where the mess hall sits. Honestly I don't know why they call it a mess hall but I guess it has something to do with how it is always messy after we eat a meal there. Back to the present. I walk up the cobblestone pathway and when I get into the mess hall, Nathan is already there at our table.

He turns to smile at me and motions to the table. He had already gotten two servings of the food for us. I sit down next to him and we look around the room. Guys are slowly filtering in wearing their pajama bottoms and sleep still in their eyes. The girls are gathered around the salad station complaining about the lack of fresh fruit. Nathan and I exchange a knowing glance before we dig into our food. The table then fills with a clique of guys that usually only talk about cars. They ignore us most of the time and we're happy that they do. This may be a gay camp but we have no desire to associate with the cliques.

Nathan and I finish our cereal and stand up with our bowls hopping to spend the next ten minutes together before the morning activities. Nathan wraps his arms around my shoulders as we stand outside the hall looking at the sun reflecting off the lake. Since it is still early morning, the sun has cast a orange and red light on the lake and we can see that the canoes are already there waiting for us to take our morning row. The upside to this is that Nathan has to wear the tiny row shorts that make it impossible for him to wear underwear.

"Nathan," I begin as we enjoy the thought of rowing a canoe pressed up against one another. "I was wondering if you wanted to stay in contact once camp ends tomorrow." His sexy eyes look off into the distance and he smiles.

"Of course. We'll exchange Facebook links or something." I laugh out loud at the simple answers he manages to give me. "Oh I should tell you that I'm leaving tonight. My cousin Maya said I could stay with her. I have to get home and pack my stuff. The good news is I'll be in Rosewood so we can see each other all the time!" Nathan grins a wide grin and gives me a quick kiss. Before I can respond, the bell for our morning activities rings and everyone comes flooding out of the mess hall. I give Nathan a long look before splitting once again and head back to my cabin to change.

The second after I rushed back to my cabin, a beeping sound started. I look around the cabin in an attempt to find the source of the sound. I gave up after ten minutes and started to change. As I take my sweatshirt off I can still smell Nathan's scent. I hold it close and inhale deeply.

Just then the door swings open and one of my bunk mates stood there with fear in his eyes. "Noel come on! Something's happening at the flag pole!" He looked at me like it was crucial for me to be there. I nod and throw on a shirt as I follow him out. We run down the trail and I can see a huge crowd gathered at the flag pole. As we get closer I see Nathan standing with some of the councilors.

I come to a screeching halt as I look at what everyone is staring at. On top of the flag pole is a wooden owl that is supposed to scare off the other birds. This time the owl was replaced by a real owl. A dead one. Its blood ran down the pole and even got onto the flag. Then my eyes open in horror as I see there is writing on the flag.

YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE. PREPARE FOR MORE BLOOD!-A