Gold Foil

Chapter Five: A Heart Made of Ice

Suguru feels as if he's been plunged into a vat of freezing cold water with no way out. As he stands before the window, he's enveloped in the dark silence of the room and Gojou's questions keep circling around his mind, their sharp words pierce through his soul and poison his mind. Of course, Suguru knows that it was only a matter of time before Gojou finally confronted him about his actions on that fateful day. Even then, when Suguru thought he was prepared for when it happened- it still didn't quell the pain.

Deep down, he knows that he deserves a far less humane treatment than what he's been granted thus far. Suguru feels as if his only retribution would be if he goes up in an explosion or something equally grisly. For a fleeting second, he entertains the notion. Wouldn't it be easier for everyone around him if he were to die? A monster that wears the disguise of a man only deserves to be dead, after all.

With a sigh, Suguru runs his fingers through his hair and casts a glance to the bat plushie that's propped against his pillow. Smiling sadly, he strides over to the bed and gently picks up the plush. Its fabric is so soft under his calloused hands and without thinking, Suguru brings it to his chest to hug.

He'd been left to fester in the unhealed wounds that day at the village had given him. Silently, Suguru kept going through his daily rituals without any complaints about the inner turmoil that still continues to rage within. For so long, Suguru's saving grace was Gojou's continued patience and kindness. However, it seems that even that has been squandered away. It's always the same questions and it's always the same answers. Even with Gojou, he can't give an answer.

'Why? Why? Why?'

'I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.'

There was no rhyme or reason for his actions. He didn't go to the village with mass murder in mind. Suguru knows that it wasn't the answer but he was working through so much at the time. Between everything that happened with that cult, losing Gojou for the first time and almost losing his own life, having his eyes opened to the real world, Gojou doing solo missions and losing Haibara- everything piled up until his heart was consumed by a maelstrom of regret, anger, pain and mourning.

Seeing those innocent girls be treated like filth and garbage had been what pushed him far over the edge. For a year, Suguru did so well to toe carefully along the cliff's edge but Mimiko's and Nanako's treatment was a strong gust of air and he had toppled towards the churning ocean below.

Even now, Suguru suspects that he's still thrashing in the ocean. Gojou's questions from earlier only serve as the bricks that weigh him down.

He wonders how disappointed his past self would be at himself right now. The idea of him facing the child version of himself is heartbreaking. He was once a child that had stars in his eyes and high ambitions of a life full of success and a grandiose lifestyle. A dashing prince. An intelligent doctor. A brave astronaut. A patient therapist.

How betrayed and disgusted his younger self would feel if he was to stand face to face with what he is today. A broken, lonely man whose record only consists of letting a young girl get murdered and wiping an entire village off the face of the earth.

Suguru truly... hates himself.

"... Suguru, I want to talk about last night." Gojou speaks slowly, borderline cautiously. If Gojou had talked to him this gently in the past, Suguru would have laughed in his face. Their relationship was always built on wry quips and spars; to be treated like a fragile Fabergé egg would've earned a punch from Suguru. Both of them would've taken offense to how Gojou is currently speaking. Now, however, Suguru watches Gojou warily.

"I'd rather we don't." He answers, his tone is more curt than what he intended but there's no taking it back.

"We can't just keep pushing everything away."