A Webbed Up Life

Team Red Crashes The Avengers (2012)

The Avengers stood back to back, as the Chitauri soldiers surrounded them.

Tony sighed. "Nice while it lasted guys. If any of you survive, make sure my funeral is the biggest, most awesome party ever. Maybe rent an animal-balloon guy."

Everyone ignored him.

Just when it looked like hope had been completely lost, someone yelled out.

"HEY GUYS, WHOEVER MANAGES TO STOP THE MOST OF THESE EVIL ALIEN THINGS GETS A FREE CHIMICHANGA, ON ME."

A certain Deadpool came slashing into the fray.

Natasha looked at him in shock. "Don't you only do murders for money?"

Wade stabbed a soldier with his katana, then screamed at it for defiling his soul.

Calmly, he turned to the Black Widow. "Look, lady, if the earth gets destroyed by Tom Hiddleston over there, there won't be any murders to do in the first place. Besides, the author is trying to make a point that if Team Red was involved in the first Avengers movie, things would've been a lot more comedic and chaotic."

An alien had managed to sneak up behind him, and stab him in the elbow. "You [REDACTED] son of a [REDACTED] [REDACTED] get your [REDACTED] over here before I [REDACTED] your [REDACTED]."

Wade proceeded to yank the knife out of his arm, and stab it in the eye.

Wade turns to glare at the sky. "It would be absolutely AMAZING and FEARLESS if the author decided to write in a certain SPIDER and DEVIL already."

Thor looks at Captain America in confusion.

"Lord Steven, who is this red-clad mortal speaking of?"

Steve just looks done with life.

"What's this I hear about chimichangas?" says a figure in red and blue who swings in on some sort of web, knocking out 10 soldiers at once.

"Spidey!" screams Wade.

"Deadpool!" screams Spider-Man.

"What am I, fried liver?" says someone clad in a dark red outfit reminiscent of the devil.

"DAREDEVIL!!!" scream Spidey and Deadpool in unison, with extreme vigour.

The Devil of Hell's Kitchen jumps a good 10 feet away from them and yells, "Never mind, let me be fried liver."

"I don't know. You remind me less of fried liver and more of braised lamb," said Wade thoughtfully.

*Skip to the scene where Loki is cornered by the Avengers*

Deadpool holds his katana under Loki's chin, looking like he was seriously contemplating slicing his head off.

"Innocent people DIED because of you." Wade said in a deadly voice, all of his trademark humour gone.

Spidey tapped Wade on the shoulder and said, "If you let the government take care of him, his punishment will probably be much more painful."

Daredevil added, "But if he ever shows up in public again, go ahead and shoot him."

Spidey's lenses conveyed a disapproving look.

Thor nodded.

"I will ensure that my brother does not attempt to invade Midgard once more."

Spidey turned to Wade. "I want a chimichanga."

Tony thought for a moment, then said, "Why don't we get shawarma instead?"

Bruce snapped his fingers. "Great id--"

As soon as Bruce had snapped his fingers, Deadpool had screamed and hugged Tony, Steve, and Natasha's feet. "Nooo, I won't let Thanos take you from this world! The movies didn't even have a happy moment with all of the superheroes bonding together."

At the Avengers mystified looks, Daredevil sighed. "It's better to ignore him when he gets like this."

The mercenary continued sobbing.

Spidey rolled his eyes behind the mask. "He does this every single time someone snaps their fingers. No one knows why. One time, Cable snapped to get everyone's attention, and Wade low-key went rabid."

"IT"S NOT MY FAULT THANOS AND CABLE ARE BOTH PLAYED BY JOSH BROLIN!"