Living In Denial

4

TW's:
-Internalised homophobia

Clay's POV

I was annoyed with myself and everyone else at the same time. I was constantly pushing away those annoying thoughts I had about George, but they didn't seem to leave. I just kept telling myself I liked girls, not to mention I've told myself I like Evelyn so much now, that I genuinely started believing it.

Of course I didn't want to kiss George, that would be disgusting, he was the same gender as me. Even though I told myself that, I've never wished to kiss someone more than I've wished to kiss him. But then again, being gay wasn't real.

It might have sounded weird, but I imagined touching George and after that I had imagined touching Evelyn. I absolutely in no form of way felt anything when I thought about Evelyn, but my face heated up by the thought of touching George. I just knew George better and I was still shy around Evelyn. I was absolutely sure I would want to touch her once I was less shy.

But then I was wondering about other things again. I had never really felt any attraction to girls. I found them pretty, but it stayed that way. I had heard some boys in my class talk about how much they liked a girl's body, but I couldn't imagine it. I liked George's body- I immediately stopped myself and I stared at my hands.

Liking boys wasn't real, I had to push it away. Maybe I just had to flirt with Evelyn a lot and then I would fall in love. It was that simple and I just had to do it that way. In the break I would sit next to her instead of George and I would maybe take some steps. I wanted to get rid of these feelings as soon as possible, so I could better just flirt a lot with her immediately.

I tried concentrating on English, but after a few minutes my thoughts went back to George again. I started comparing him with Evelyn again and looked at him sitting next to me.

We swam together a few times and his chest was pretty attractive. He was thin, but he still had the outlines of some muscles. As soon as I realised I was fantasising about George's body again, I quickly looked up and started staring at Evelyn. She was in this class too and I smiled at her when she looked behind her.

I constantly kept telling myself that I liked her a lot and started thinking about her instead of George. Even though I tried really hard, I didn't feel the feeling in my stomach that I felt when I thought about George. It was just because I knew George better, I was going to get to know Evelyn really well and I was completely sure I would think about kissing her then.

The class ended and after another class we had our breaks. We sat down by a table and I sat next to Evelyn, smiling at her.

'Hi,' I smiled.

'Hey, Clay,' she said back.

I immediately didn't know what to say anymore and awkwardly stared at my hands. 'Uh- how are you?'

'I'm good, and how are you?'

'Good. Uh- we could like- go to a quieter place?'

'Sure,' Evelyn said.

George looked at me with a weird look and I stood up with Evelyn, leaving to a quiet place. We sat down next to each other and I knew I would have to flirt with her now. I had to forget about George and had to push it away. I wasn't gay.

'You're really pretty,' I said. I had repeated that sentence so often in my head that I actually started believing the fact I found her really pretty and cute.

It was just a weird phase, I liked girls and I definitely liked her. Right?

Evelyn smiled at me and held her hand on my knee. 'So are you. You're very attractive.'

I giggled and smiled as I locked my hand with hers. I still felt uncomfortable, but I liked her. I was sure about that.

'We can meet up after school?' Evelyn asked.

I thought about George, but I still nodded. I liked Evelyn and wasn't allowed to think about George. I had to push away those weird thoughts and then I would have to choose Evelyn over George.

I knew Evelyn for a while now, but we had never talked. This morning she came up to me and sat down next to me. It was really uncomfortable, but I just started flirting with her and kept continuing that. I liked her, I was sure.

Suddenly Evelyn and I both looked at each other and Evelyn smiled at me. I could feel her hand go up to my face and I got really nervous. George came back in my mind again, but I pushed him away and looked at Evelyn. I had to kiss her now, I knew she wanted that. I wasn't gay and I was going to prove that here.

I leaned in and pressed my lips on Evelyn's. Evelyn kissed me back immediately and I pulled her closer by her shoulders. Even though I wasn't gay, I was still sad that my first kiss was with Evelyn and not the person I had so often thought about.

I immediately pushed that thought away too, I was kissing Evelyn and I was still thinking about George. I had to forget George and just push him away a bit more each day, until we weren't friends anymore. I liked girls, I liked Evelyn.

Evelyn and I kissed for a slight ten seconds and then we broke apart. She was smiling at me, but I was busy wondering why I didn't like it as much as I thought I would. Everyone always said kissing the person you liked was amazing, but for me it was just uncomfortable and I wouldn't even do it again if I could choose.

Evelyn smiled. 'I would love to do that again sometime.'

Did she actually like it? How can you like that? I felt nothing, was I supposed to feel something?

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