Living In Denial

13

TW's:
-Mentions cheating
-Mentions homophobia

George's POV

I didn't want to go to school the next day after what had happened between Clay and me, but I had to so my parents wouldn't get to know anything about it. It was my fault too, I should have pushed him away. I was just way too happy that he was actually kissing me and I would have loved to do it again.

I walked to school and sat down on a bench when I arrived there. I was just ashamed about myself, I had kissed my best friend thinking he was in love with me too and now I was stuck. I couldn't tell anyone about it and it was already breaking me. I let him cheat on his girlfriend and had to act normal around him today.

I knew I had to forget about him, but after our kiss I had fallen in love even more. How he gently kissed me and cupped my face, he was my first kiss ever. Somewhere I was happy about him being my first kiss, but I was more sad about it. He kissed me without any reason and just left it like that.

I had to talk about it, but I couldn't. I would feel bad for telling someone, but it was genuinely eating me alive. I looked up as I heard footsteps and Clay and his girlfriend walked closer. Clay didn't say much next to a small nod and sat down next to me.

'Hi,' I whispered and looked down at my hands to avoid my face heating up by looking at him. I could only think about the kiss between us and it disgusted me when I saw him kiss his girlfriend.

'I'm going to the toilet,' I muttered and stood up to quickly walk off. The bathroom was empty and I stood in front of the mirror with tears in my eyes. I barely slept this night and couldn't keep this a secret, I'd rather die than keep this a secret for months.

I wiped my tears away and looked up when someone walked in. It was Sapnap and he smiled. 'Oh, are you crying? Oh gosh, what happened?'

Sapnap ran to me and wrapped his arm around me. 'Come, let's go somewhere quietly.'

I nodded and we walked to a quiet place, sitting down on the ground. I looked at Sapnap and sighed.

'Before I start, please don't tell this to anyone and I'm sorry that I've hidden this from you.'

Sapnap nodded and I smiled. 'Let's start with this, I'm gay.'

Sapnap just smiled and let me talk, I really appreciated that and it made me feel comfortable to not have him judge me.

'I'm in love with Clay for ages now and uh- basically he was with me yesterday and I accidentally outed myself. He kept asking me things about it and he uh- kissed me. I was so incredibly happy that I forgot about his girlfriend and kissed him back, realising what had happened after that. He said he just randomly kissed me without any meaning and I'm just so sad. I'm in love with him and he just played with my feelings.'

'Oh gosh, I'm so sorry. That's horrible, has Clay told his girlfriend?'

'He hasn't and he wants me to lie about it and hide it. I just cant, I can't hide the fact he cheated on her and I also can't hide that I'm heartbroken about what he did.'

'That's terrible, I'm so sorry. I won't tell anyone, I promise you. You can talk with me about it.'

'I was so happy and now I'm just sad.'

'How long have you kept this a secret for?'

'We kissed yesterday, but I know I'm gay for a year to a few years now. Do you like me less?'

'I don't like you less in the slightest.'

'Would you rather never hug me again?'

Sapnap answered by giving me a hug and smiled. 'I don't care that you're gay. You're my best friend and I'm not leaving you because of that.'

'I was scared you were going to be grossed out if I ever touched you in a friendly way.'

'Not at all, I'd only be shocked if you kissed me, but I would be shocked if a girl kissed me as well,' he giggled.

'I won't kiss you, I won't be the same as Clay. If I kiss someone, I like that person and I will ask for permission.'

Sapnap nodded. 'That's a pretty usual thing to do. What can I do for you?'

'Please tell me I'm not in the wrong. I wouldn't have let him cheat if I wasn't that happy.'

Sapnap wrapped his arms around my shoulder and pulled me close. 'It's fine, George. I understand that you were really happy to have him kiss you. You didn't purposely let him cheat on her, I know for a fact you would have pushed him away otherwise.'

'I would have for sure, but I was so happy. He kissed me so gently and I wished the moment had never ended, but when we broke apart I realised what had happened and it broke me. We coded something after that, but Clay left a while later and I just cried for hours.'

'Shall we hang out today after school?'

'Do you want to?'

'Yes, of course. I don't know as much about coding as you guys do, but you can show me the thing you've coded.'

'Do you want to see it?'

'I would love to!'

I smiled and we stood up. 'Okay, I can show you after school.'

Sapnap smiled and we walked back to Clay and his girlfriend. Clay still had his arm around Evelyn's shoulders and he looked up at me. I smiled back weakly and sat down next to Sapnap. Sapnap started showing me some funny videos to cheer me up and when the bell rang I had never walked away from Clay this fast.

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