Living In Denial

10

TW's:
-Slight homophobia

Clay's POV

I was happy to be gone from everyone but George after school. I had slept poorly last night, I had constantly been Googling about asexuality and homosexuality. I just immediately pushed my feelings for boys away again, I was probably asexual. I didn't feel the sexual attraction and sexual attraction to boys wasn't real.

I was walking home with George and after what happened in the changing room yesterday, I did everything to avoid staring at George. I was sure Sapnap told George what happened and I looked up.

'George?'

'Yeah?'

'I looked things up about asexuality and it feels similar, I guess,' I muttered.

'You don't feel a sexual attraction?'

I shrugged. 'I think so.'

'Clay, I don't want to be annoying, I promise you. Do you also not feel that sexual attraction to boys?'

'George, I'm just not sure what to think about it. It feels weird and fake.'

George smiled. 'It's not fake, Clay.'

'How can you be sexually attracted to boys?'

'I don't know, we can look it up if you want.'

'No, I'm not attracted to boys. I'm asexual.'

I looked down at my hands, but I remembered the quick heartbeat, the weird feeling in my stomach and my heated up cheeks again. I had imagined to kiss George, I had imagined to touch him, I imagined a lot of things I could do with him. Was that what sexual attraction was? I wasn't sexually attracted to George, right?

And again, I pushed the thoughts away and thought back about Evelyn. Why didn't I want to touch her? Could I be straight, but still be sexually attracted to boys?

'Can you be sexually attracted to boys and still be straight?'

'I don't really think so. If you imagine to do sexual stuff with boys, I don't think you're straight.'

'I don't imagine those things, but I was just wondering.'

George nodded slowly and looked at me. 'Whatever you are, it's fine.'

'I'm asexual.'

'That's fine,' George smiled and as I looked at his smile I felt my stomach go crazy again.

'George, what's that weird feeling in your stomach? People talk about it a lot.'

'It's called butterflies, I think.'

'When do people get them?'

'When they are in love.'

I felt my face heat up and looked down at my hands. I wasn't in love with George, I was straight. I was really straight.

George entered his house and let me go in first. After we drank some soda, we went upstairs and George turned his PC on. He waited for it to turn on and started turning around with his chair. I couldn't stop staring at him, he was adorable.

I was startled because of my own thoughts and I stared at my hands immediately. I wasn't gay, I had a girlfriend and I liked her a lot.

I looked back up to the screen which turned on and suddenly saw George panicking. His PC opened on a site and when I looked carefully I saw it was a gay dating site. There were chats opened with multiple guys and George clicked away as fast as possible. His face heated up fully and he stared at his hands.

His hands started to shake and he bit his lip nervously, scratching his skin after.

'Gay dating sites?'

George looked at me and stood up. 'Leave me alone.' He ran off as fast as possible and I looked at his PC, clicking on the site again.

For some reason it interested me a lot and I grabbed my phone to take a picture of the name of the dating site. I clicked away after and I stood up to walk to the door.

'George, come back.'

It took a while, but George came back upstairs. He was still staring at his hands and had a tear rolling down his face.

'Is that why you told me being gay is real?'

George just shrugged and I made him sit down on his bed. George suddenly burst into tears and I didn't know what to do. I laid my hand down on his shoulder and rubbed my thumb over it.

'Are you gay?'

'Y-y-yes,' George whispered.

'So you like boys?'

'Well, yeah. That's what being gay means.'

'Isn't that like- gross?'

George stood up and looked at me. 'Are you kidding me, Clay? I didn't want to come out, because you're a stupid homophobic idiot. Don't start telling me being gay is gross, it's not. I just fall in love with boys and not with girls. I'd rather kiss a boy and don't you dare tell me that's gross.'

'How do you know you're gay?'

'Because I fell in love with a boy and didn't feel attraction to girls, but I did to boys.'

'And you're not asexual?'

'I'm not, because I want to do something like that one day, but with a boy.'

'Like what?'

'Uh- I want to have sex someday.'

'With a boy?'

'Yeah, not with a cow.'

'I feel like two boys can't even have sex.'

'You're so uneducated.'

'I'm sorry, I just don't know. I've always been told that being gay is fake and I just believed it.'

'It's not like boys don't have anything it will fit in,' George muttered.

'How do you know you're sexually attracted to boys?'

'As I just said, I want to do it with a boy one day, if I find someone I want to do something sexual with them one day.'

'Do you uh- think about that?'

George shrugged. 'I've thought about kissing guys and touching them.'

I remembered how I thought about George kissing me and touching me and my face heated up. I wasn't gay, I was sure I would feel this with my girlfriend too. I was just going to think about George when we kissed, then I would feel that attraction right? Or did that make me gay? Of course it didn't, I was still kissing a girl, I just thought about a boy.

1007 words