Living In Denial

6

TW's:
-Slight internalised homophobia

Clay's POV

I had never felt worse than I did after this day. I felt extremely guilty for sending George away and letting him cry because of sadness. With that I replaced him with Evelyn, but all the kissing and stuff, I really disliked it. I kept kissing her in the hope I was going to like it, but even when she started touching my chest I didn't like it.

I looked at Evelyn sitting next to me on my bed and I was just so confused. Was this how love felt? If this was how love felt, it was literally worthless. I felt nothing for her and looked up at her.

'How does love feel?'

'Why? Well, what you're feeling for me.'

'But what am I feeling?'

'An attraction, I may hope.'

I constantly kept telling myself I liked her, but I genuinely felt nothing. 'Do you feel anything?'

'Why all these questions?'

I shrugged and laid down on my bed as Evelyn smiled at me. 'You're cute and so innocent.'

I nodded slowly and felt uncomfortable so I looked down at my hands. I couldn't resist my own thoughts anymore and thought about George again. How would it be to kiss him? I immediately felt a weird feeling in my stomach, a feeling I didn't feel with her. Maybe the weird feeling was something bad and I was supposed to feel nothing. I liked her, I was sure I liked Evelyn.

Was it the purpose to think about something or someone I liked during the kiss? I could think about George, I felt that feeling when I thought about him.

'Can I kiss you?' I asked.

She nodded and smiled as I pressed my lips on hers. I imagined myself kissing George and maybe it was wrong of me to imagine it, but it kind of worked. I didn't like George or anything, I just knew him better and that's why I could imagine it better.

I felt myself getting hot cheeks as I imagined kissing George and my hand cupped her face, still imagining it to be George's cheek. My stomach filled with butterflies and I was about to touch her chest as I realised this wasn't George I was kissing. I broke the kiss and she smiled at me.

'You finally kissed back normally.'

I nodded slowly and she smiled. 'You're face is red.'

I was definitely not going to tell her I had been fantasising about George while we kissed, but it did work at least. Even though it worked, it still felt really wrong. If I had to, I could think about George, but fantasising about kissing your best guy friend while kissing your girlfriend didn't feel normal.

'I might go to George for a little, I kind of had told him to hang out today. I feel bad.'

Evelyn nodded slowly and I just left her alone in my room, running downstairs. My mum looked at me with a weird look.

'What are you doing, Clay?'

'Is George gone?'

'Yes, he left crying.'

'Long ago?'

'A few minutes.'

I nodded and grabbed my coat as I ran outside to George's house. I genuinely felt so bad and knew I didn't want to have contact with George, but I still felt the need to. I ran for five minutes and saw George slowly walking with his paper in his hand. I felt even guiltier and grabbed his shoulders. 'Gogy, I'm sorry.'

George turned around and looked at me with tears rolling down his face. 'Clay?'

'I'm sorry, I would love to code with you. Would you still like to code with me too?'

George shrugged. 'It feels forced now.'

'It isn't, I choose to go after you myself, I feel guilty. I love coding, I just haven't been on this earth with my head, I'm sorry.'

George shrugged. 'I have just been looking forward to us coding together and you said you don't like it anymore.'

'I do still like it, I'm sorry.'

'Why have you changed so much?'

'I- it's just complicated. I don't know what's going on myself.'

'Try to explain it to me then, I'm your friend. At least, I think I am. It doesn't really sound like I am anymore.'

'You are my friend, I have just been feeling weird lately. I don't feel things the way I want to feel them.'

'What do you mean?'

'It's nothing, I guess. I just don't understand why everyone hyped love up so much. I don't really understand what they mean with some attraction to people, I don't feel it.'

George nodded slowly. 'There are terms for that, but I'm not going to fill things in for you. I would like to code with you.'

I smiled and we walked to George's house. George got a little bit happier and started explaining his idea to me with passion in his voice. I smiled at him and wanted to hit myself as I felt that weird feeling in my stomach again. I really didn't know what it was, and it was annoying me. I cared too much about George to let him go, but I wanted to get rid of this feeling.

'It's not that hard of a code,' George smiled.

'It isn't, I think we can do that easily.'

'Do you actually still like coding, Clay? I won't force you to like it, but it just makes me a bit upset.'

'I still love coding and still love being with you, I'm just trying to sort things out.'

'You can always talk to me.'

'So can you,' I smiled.

George nodded slowly and we walked the rest of the way in silence. When we arrived at George's place, we went up to his room and George turned on his PC. The next few hours we got completely lost in coding.

We had fun and I love being with him, but the weird feeling wouldn't leave. I didn't miss my girlfriend at all, but I missed George when I was away from him for a second. It was really confusing.

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