Living In Denial

11

TW's:
-Internalised homophobia
-Cheating

George's POV

I was genuinely so embarrassed after I had outed myself in front of my homophobic crush and we were sitting down in silence on my bed. Clay was constantly asking me short questions about being gay and I just answered it. I didn't want to make things even more uncomfortable than they already were at this point.

'George, so being gay is really a real thing?'

'Yes, Clay. It is, I fell in love with a boy and I can't see how that's fake.'

'But what do you find more attractive about boys than girls?'

'Everything, their body being one of them.'

'Body?'

'Well, chest and uh- you see.'

Clay nodded slowly and looked at his hands. 'Have you actually not had your first kiss yet?'

I nodded. 'I haven't.'

'Would you like to kiss a boy?'

'Depends on the boy.'

Clay nodded and scooted a bit closer to me, sitting down next to me with his back against the wall. I felt my stomach fill up with butterflies and saw Clay looking at his hands. After a while I saw his hand going down to my leg and he rubbed over it. He looked at me and then everything went quick.

He started leaning in and smiled as he cupped my face. He turned around and sat down on my thighs, leaning in even more. Without me even realising what was happening, Clay pressed his lips on mine.

I was genuinely so happy that I forgot about him having a girlfriend. I genuinely forgot and I cupped his face as I kissed him back. Clay pressed his chest against mine and I wrapped my arm around his waist as he held his hand on my chest.

I was sure he could have felt my extremely fast heartbeat, but I felt his going really fast too. His cheeks were warm, just as mine. Clay kept kissing me for seconds long and after a while he broke the kiss with a confused look on his face.

I suddenly remembered that he had a girlfriend again and I startled a lot.

'Uh-,' Clay started, he was trying hide the blush on his face.

'Oh gosh, you have a girlfriend.'

Clay nodded slowly. 'Uh- I uh-.'

'Did you feel something?'

'Uh- I- George, I have to go. I have something important to do.'

'But the code.'

'Tell this to no one.'

'I won't, Clay. Why did you kiss me?'

'I uh- it was the moment. Kissing a boy is uh- g-gross.'

'You seemed to like it.'

'I uh- just forget about this, okay?'

'Can we just code then?'

'Uh- I uh-.'

'I won't talk about it anymore.'

Inside I was cheering more than I had ever done. I was so incredibly happy, although I was scared as well. I genuinely forgot about Clay having a girlfriend because I was so happy, but now I realised I let him cheat on her with me.

Clay and I sat down behind my PC and I noticed Clay being really uncomfortable and nervous around me. I was nervous as well, but I acted like I just didn't remember anything of what had just happened.

We finished coding a while later and Clay looked at me. 'George, I want you to never tell this to anyone. Not even Sapnap.'

I shrugged. 'I won't, but you can't hide this from your girlfriend. You are just simply gay.'

'I'm not gay, I didn't uh- feel anything.'

'Oh, that's why your cheeks were so red and your heart was beating so fast.'

'I was just confused about what was happening.'

'What will lying about it bring you?'

'I'm asexual.'

'You can still be gay and asexual.'

'I'm asexual.'

'You said that.'

'That kiss didn't happen, okay?'

'Clay, you're actually such a dick. You're just playing with people's feelings right now, do you realise that? You're cheating on your girlfriend and you don't even think about me. You just kissed me, Clay. I didn't kiss you back for fun, you are my first kiss and you're just kissing me without a reason. I could have liked you, do you realise that?'

Clay stared at his hands. 'I'm sorry, I should go. Just tell no one, please.'

'You got me into such a messed up situation, Clay. Don't think about yourself all the time, I'm also here. I'm going to feel so bad.'

'You shouldn't have kissed back then.'

'I WAS HAPPY, I didn't think about you having a girlfriend anymore.'

'You were happy?'

'Please, leave me alone. Just go, you better solve this and quick, because I'm not going to be lying for the rest of my life.'

'I can't break up with her even if I would want to. I like her, I'm going to like her.'

'You don't like her.'

'I do.'

'Why do you feel nothing for her then?'

'Asexual.'

'When you're asexual you still have romantic feelings for people, just not the sexual one.'

'Then I don't have that either.'

'Clay, you're annoying. You're just gay, stop denying it.'

'I'm not gay, stop calling me gay. You're insulting me.'

'How am I insulting you?'

'It's gross.'

'You just kissed a boy, Clay. That's pretty gay to me, if I'm honest.'

Clay's face turned a bit red and he turned around to walk to the door. 'I will tell her someday that I cheated on her, but please keep it a secret for now. I'm sorry for what I got you into, but I hope you'll understand.'

I sighed and nodded slowly. All the happy feelings I just felt were gone. I was really happy that I kissed Clay, but why should I be happy? It would never happen again, he didn't like me and even if he did, he was too closeted to come out. He was homophobic and mean again and I had to lie until he decided to tell someone.

I looked at Clay leaving my room and laid down in my bed as I started crying my eyes out. I was so happy, but it was all gone now.

1018 words